On to Part One: The Poems
Back to the Introduction

Always in Vogue

A. Cast List and Scene One p. 68
B. Scene Two p. 71
C. Scene Three p. 73
D. Scene Four p. 76
E. Scene Five p. 79

A. Cast List and Scene One p. 82
B. Scene Two p. 85

A. Cast List and Scene One p. 89
B. Scene Two p. 92
C. Scene Three p. 94
D. Scene Four p. 96
E. Scene Five p. 98
F. Scene Six p.100

A. Cast List and Scene One p.103
B. Scene Two p.107
C. Scene Three p.109

A. Cast List and Scene One p.112
B. Scene Two p.114
C. Scene Three p.116
D. Scene Four p.117
E. Scene Five p.122
F. Scene Six p.125

A. Cast List and Scene One p.131
B. Scene Two p.134
C. Scene Three p.136
D. Scene Four p.137
E. Scene Five p.140

A. Cast List and Scene One p.141
B. Scene Two p.143
C. Scene Three p.145
D. Scene Four p.147
E. Scene Five p.148

A. About the Author p.151
B. On Christmas Eve p.153


Cast of Characters

Jennifer Grant: the main character. She's an above average student. She is attractive but extremely uncertain.

Sergeant Edward Grant: Jennifer's father. He's a simple man but a good one.

Mary Grant: Jennifer's mother. She's a kind and fair person.

Sammy Grant: Jennifer's brother: He's a small boy with glasses and obviously high intelligence.

Zuleima Jones: one of the most popular girls at school. The actress could be either black or white but impeccably dressed.

Wendy Breese: one of the mental lightweights. She's a good person even if easily misled.

Sally Kim: a short, straightforward kind of girl, plain-looking but clever. She needs and wears thick glasses.

Thelonius McDougall: a nerd. He is ungainly tall and better at computer games than his classes.

Lance Bicleps: the hero of the school track and wrestling teams. Lance is considered the best-looking boy in his grade.

Andy Whirl: Lance's best friend. Andy is plain but likable.

Drack and the Dreadnaughts: the greatest rock and roll band in the world, in their opinion anyway.

Guard #1: Drack's main protection

Guards #2-4: Drack's followers

Announcer: a voice offstage


Setting: A room is filled with boxes. Jennifer Grant is sitting in the midst of them with her head in her hands. Her mother enters the room. Jennifer rests her head on a big stuffed dog.

Mrs. Grant: If you keep looking at those boxes long enough, they're liable to start talking to you.

Jennifer (not moving at all): Aw Mom.

Mrs. Grant (shaking her head): Jennifer, is something the matter with you? I mean ever since we came to this airbase, all you've done is mope. This isn't normal. (She puts her hands out and tries to get Jennifer to rise).

Jennifer (rising, but her whole body remaining as limp and passive as spaghetti): Aw, Mom.

Mrs. Grant: There. See. You're standing.

Jennifer (with no enthusiasm): Aw, Mom.

Mrs. Grant: Stop saying that!

Jennifer: Aw (with a hint of a smile) Mother?

Mrs. Grant: Well, that's an improvement, I guess. Now why haven't you unpacked all your things? Don't you want to hear your stereo? Don't you want to read your magazines? Don't you want to......

Jennifer (starting to come to life): Why should I bother? I unpack it today; in three months, we move again. I might as well leave it right there, ready to go.

Mrs. Grant: Jennifer, you know you're not being fair. Do you think your father wants to make us move all the time. Do you think he asks for these assignments?

Jennifer (starting to move and snapping out her words): I don't know. Really, I don't. I do know that whenever I like it somewhere, like Edwards or Travis, next thing you know, the movers are coming. I feel like some kind of teenage gypsy! Besides (she sits down in a heap), I miss Susan.

Mrs. Grant: Well, it wouldn't be so hard, Jennifer, if you'd just loosen up a little. You're harder on strangers than base security.

Jennifer (angrily): Well, I can't help it if that's the way I am. I don't always trust people, and I don't have that much time....

Mrs. Grant (cutting her off): Time? You don't have much time? Look at yourself, right now. You're sitting on your bed brooding instead of going out and meeting people. Why don't you go down to the Youth Center? Sammy unpacked three days ago, and he's been down there every single day. He's already made some friends.

Jennifer: Sammy would be happy anywhere there's a computer terminal.

Mrs. Grant: Well, what's wrong with that? Maybe there are people down there that would want to do things with you-if you gave them a chance.

Jennifer (frowning): I don't know.

Mrs. Grant: Come on. You don't think that Susan is the only nice person in the world, do you? Now (gathering enthusiasm as she takes Jennifer by the hand) get out of this room before you drive yourself crazy.

Jennifer (acidly): It may be too late for that.

Mrs. Grant: I want you out of here in five minutes-that's an order (Jennifer raises her hand in a mock salute and her mother solemnly returns the gesture. Her mother walks out the door.)

(Jennifer gets up and walks over to the nearest packing crate and opens it up. For a moment she looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching and then rummages through in a violent action. She pulls out a pad of paper and a small radio).

Jennifer (holding the pad over her head and writing furiously): "Dear, Susan (she pauses between each word). Life-here-is-dull. Every-one-is-boring...Japan-is-expensive..My"

Mrs. Grant (from offstage): One minute Jennifer, and then I send in the Marines.

Jennifer (looks offstage and then tosses the paper over her shoulder. She turns on the radio, which plays the background for the song):
Look, look at me.
Can you see,
What I want you to see?

Look, look at me.
Can I be,
What you want me to be?

(Answering voices on the radio sing "aaaa".)

Shine, shine like a star.
Can you tell me,
Where I'm going tonight?

Bright, bright as you are,
Can you lend me,
Just a drop of your light.

(Answering voices on the radio sing "aaaa".)

Awww, look,

Mrs. Grant: Jennifer! Jennifer (scrambling to her feet): Coming mother or going, or something like that. (The curtain falls.)


Setting: This is going to be the Youth Center, and that will not be easy. An imaginary pool table or ping pong table would be required along with some computer terminals. The kids at the center would be dressed in shorts and summer style clothing. There could be some kind of "Coke bar" at the end of the stage. Four or five students are visibly discussing but making no audible sound as Jennifer and Sammy enter the stage. Sammy is wearing long pants, the only person so dressed in the entire room, and his heavy glasses would make him look out of place except that he's wearing shades over them.

Jennifer (to Sammy): Let's go over it again.

Sammy (carelessly): Whatever you say, Sis.

Jennifer: No if you mention that stupid video game..

Sammy (brightly): Five Easy Pieces?

Jennifer (hissing): That's the one. What happens?

Sammy: You slug me.

Jennifer: And if you do ANYTHING that might embarrass me?

Sammy: You slug me.

Jennifer (preparing herself): Good, now let's go. (She walks forwards towards the other students as though there's ice on the floor. Sammy walks behind her, fitting his feet into her footsteps, and suddenly he spots Thelonius. He rushes past Jennifer tossing his clip-ons in his pocket).

Sammy: Thelonius. Did you win?

Jennifer (mouthing the strange name): "Thelonius"?

Thelonius: Hello, Sammy, (pulling a gigantic magazine out of his back pocket), I got the latest edition of COMPUTER CONNECTION.

Sammy: Well how did you do last night? How many puzzle-eaters did you wipe out in your game of (he glances purposely at Jennifer) FIVE EASY PIECES.

(Jennifer cringes and shakes her fist at Sammy).

Thelonius: Well, I couldn't get the last piece, I (suddenly he seems to notice Jennifer and his eyes travel from head to toe), my, my, my (sighing), my!

Sammy (perplexed): You're what? I thought you told me you had five Songdeamons and two Quoteminers left in that game. Now, the puzzle was about philology?

Thelonius (still taken aback): I-used-my-Quoteminers-to-come-up-with-the-first-line....

Sammy (pointing to the terminal): What's the matter with you? Come on (he pulls Thelonius with him), let's play a game, right now. (As Sammy drags an unwilling Thelonius over to the table, a pair of girls approaches Jennifer. Cautiously they look her over from head to foot).

Wendy: I haven't seen you here before. Are you visiting or did you just move here?

Jennifer (cautiously): My name is Jennifer Grant. I just got her from Travis, in California. What is wrong (she points to Thelonius) with that boy?

Sally: Oh, Thelonius? Hormonal imbalance. He's probably fallen in love again. He does that a lot. I hope you're good at saying "No" or "Get lost."

Wendy: When did you get here?

Jennifer: About a week ago.

Wendy: How do you like Japan so far?

Jennifer: I hate it!

Sally: Have you been anywhere so far?

Jennifer: No.

Sally: Then how do you know you hate it?

Jennifer (closing her eyes slightly): There's a feeling you get from certain countries, a kind of heat that fries away part of your brain like an oven. I don't have to feel that heat, I just look at the dials.

Wendy (marveling): Wow, that's deep. What does it mean?

Jennifer: Um...

Wendy (cutting her off): Shh. Here they come.

Jennifer (not bothering to lower her voice): Who?

Wendy (raising her eyebrows as though everyone in the world should know): Why, Zuleima Jones and Sharona Adimas, the two most popular girls in the whole ninth grade.

Jennifer: How can they be the most popular girls in the school if the school's not even open yet.

Sally: Zuleima's popularity stays with her, like cheap perfume, and the boys flock around the odor.

Zuleima (visibly sauntering and speaking with a somewhat assumed Southern accent): Well, howdy there.

Jennifer (cautiously): Hi.

Zuleima: I haven't seen you before (like befo'). Who are you?

Jennifer: My name's Jennifer Grant, and I just got here from Travis Air Force Base.

Sharona: What rank is your father? My Daddy's a colonel.

Zuleima (quickly): My father's a major.

Sharona: And what rank is your dad?

Jennifer (apologetically): My father is just a staff sergeant.

Sally (yawning): Well, my dad is just a security policeman, but boy, his dog, Fido, will kill you. (She springs towards Zuleima): Ruff! Ruff!

Zuleima (ignoring Sally's distraction): "Grant, Grant" I think I heard that name before.

Sharona (rubbing her chin): I think I did too.

Sally (mocking them): Seems like he was some kind of military man, like, like, the commanding general of the Northern Army in the Civil War.

Zuleima (pointing across the room to Sammy): There. Isn't that boy named Grant?

Sharona (calling sweetly): Thelonius? Thelonius?

Thelonius (bolting up as though called by an angel from Heaven): Yes?

Sharona: What is that boy's last name.

Jennifer (interrupting): That is my 'little brother,' Samuel.

Zuleima (still looking at Sammy): Isn't he kind of a NERD?

Jennifer (uncertain of herself): Well, eh, he (she pauses and looks at the four girls, awaiting her judgment). Okay, he's kind of a nerd, but he gets almost straight "As."

Zuleima (not impressed): Oh how "nice." Are you a "straight A" student, too?

Jennifer (considering): Well, uh, not exactly.

Sally (sighing): Not all of us have the skill to avoid those embarrassing "As."

Wendy (enthusiastically): I got an "A" one time.

Sally: Even teachers make mistakes.

Zuleima (to Jennifer): So what do you do? Do you play any sports?

Jennifer: I was on the volleyball team for a while. I play a little tennis.

Zuleima (in response to no question, running her hand through her hair): Well, I used to be on the swim team, but I really don't have the time any more.

Sharona: It takes a lot of time to be a cheerleader.

Sally (nodding): I wondered how they'd get that into the conversation.

Zuleima (to Sally): Don't you have somewhere you ought to be going-like to the beauty parlor?

Sally (smiling): I don't think so. Besides, you probably have them booked for the next week.

Sharona (to Jennifer): You know, my doctor said that I shouldn't swim too much. It'd probably ruin my figure.

Sally (shaking her finger): Tsk. Tsk, what a waste to let swimming ruin your figure when you have all those boys waiting in line to ruin it.

(Sharona steps forward and takes a swing at Sally, who retreats. Zuleima tries to restrain Sharona. Sally takes off her glasses and puts up her fists in a "Three Stooges Style" mockery of the other girl's fighting stance. Suddenly, Sharona wrestles away and chases Sally off the stage).

Wendy (pointing off stage): Look, it's Andy and Lance. They're dreamy.

Jennifer (confused): Who and whom?

Zuleima (obviously posing): Hi Lance.

Lance (less enthusiastically): Hi Zuleima.

Wendy (whispering loudly): Lance is captain of the track and wrestling teams and Andy is, well, uh, he's Lance's friend.

Andy (nodding): Hi Zuleima, Wendy, and...(he looks at Jennifer)?

Jennifer (visibly taking a breath as her eyes remain glued to Lance): Jennifer Grant.

Lance: Do you have a bro-

Jennifer (impatiently): Yes, he's a nerd. Yes he's my brother.

Lance (a little taken aback): I wasn't going to say that. He seems okay to me.

Zuleima (thrusting herself between Lance and Jennifer): Jennifer and I were just talking about cheerleading.

Andy (moving his head so he can talk around Zuleima): So you're a cheerleader, too?

Jennifer: No, I play in the band.

Lance (moving so he can talk over Zuleima's other shoulder): Really? So do I. I play the trumpet. What do you play?

Jennifer: I play the trombone.

Zuleima (to Lance): Isn't that kind of a BOY'S instrument?

Lance (turns away): Yeah, I guess it is.

Jennifer (almost pleading): I-I know, I was going to quit-

Andy (missing what's going on): I don't think you should. Do you like playing it?

Sharona (having apparently banished Sally, returns on stage and makes a big show of leaning both her hands on Lance's shoulder): Were you all talking about the concert?

Jennifer: What concert?

Zuleima (making a point of putting her two hands on Lance's other shoulder): Oh that's right. You're NEW, aren't you. The Youth Center's sponsoring a trip tonight to the Tokyo Arena to see Drack and the Dreadnaughts.

Jennifer (taken aback): Drack and the Dreadnaughts? Drack and the Dreadnaughts!

Andy: It's only Y5,000. We got a group discount.

Zuleima (yawning): Well, we're all going, but you probably have something do tonight, right?

Lance: It'd be a nice concert to see.

Jennifer (suddenly coming back from the stratosphere): Oh, oh, I'd have to get my parents' permission for something like this.

Zuleima: Well, you'd have to pay right now. I think the booth (she points to the desk) closes in a few minutes. But (obviously taunting) if you need permission from your "Mommy" and "Daddy"....

Jennifer (looking desperately): I don't have any yen. I don't even know what yen is!

Andy (reaching into his pocket): Well, my parents gave me Y10,000 bill, and I've got the change here. I can loan you the money, if you think it's going to be okay.

(Andy holds the bill out, and there's a freeze. The two girls are frozen to Lance, and Andy's hand is extended. Zuleima's and Sharona's eyes are angrily fixed on Andy).
Jennifer (to Lance):
Can you tell me that I love you,
Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
Can you tell me that I need you,
Why is it that I feel so new.

Your eyes sing me a song,
I want so much to sing along.
Can you tell me if you're happy,
Is that what you were gonna say,

Can you love me, can I love you,
Why is it that I feel this way?

(As Jennifer grabs the yen, her eyes remain glued on Lance, and scene starts to roll again. Sally slowly sneaks up behind the group.)

Zuleima (sighing): So you're going tonight.

Jennifer (firmly): Yes, I'm going.

Wendy (a little awed): Your parents will give you permission-just like that.

Andy: Then you'll be here at five?

Sally (behind Sharona): I wouldn't miss it!

Sharona (hearing Sally's voice): You little brat.

Sally: Looks like we're in for a bumpy night.

(The curtain falls.)


Setting: This is the Grants' living room. Jennifer is in the middle of the room. She is fidgeting and anxious. She is examining her watch over and over again. Her mother is sitting in a chair reading a book. Every once in a while, Mrs. Grant appears ready to speak to her but doesn't.

Jennifer (looking off stage): Daddy (she rushes forward to greet her father).

Sgt. Grant (hugging her): Whoa, take it easy. You're gonna take my breath away.

Jennifer: Did you have a good day at work?

Sgt. Grant (considering and still holding her): So-so.

Jennifer: What did you do?

Sgt. Grant (frowning): Jennifer, I told you before, I don't think it's right to talk about work at home. All the stuff I do has a security clearance.

Jennifer (petulantly): Well, all the other kids-

Sgt. Grant: I don't care about the other kids. I have a duty to perform to my government.

Jennifer (moving off): Well, I think it's dumb. If everybody else talks, the "bad guys," can figure it all out anyway.

Sgt. Grant: That's not the point. Security isn't the most important thing; it's honesty. When I enlisted, I promised my government to keep all information about my job a secret. If I talk about it, then I'm not being true to myself. (As he takes his suitcase into another room, he continues) If you don't keep promises to yourself...

Jennifer (obviously finishing his quote): "....then you're not worth anything." (She searches around seeing as the conversation has ended). I went to the Youth Center today.

Sgt. Grant: Yeah? That's great. Did you meet some nice people.

Jennifer (considering): Yes.

Sgt. Grant (to his wife): See, what'd I tell you. She snapped out of it. She always does.

Mrs. Grant (not convinced): You were right, Dear.

Jennifer (moving closer to her father and speaking): Do you think that you could let me go to a concert?

Sgt. Grant: Maybe. Maybe I could, but I'd have to know who's playing and what kind of a crowd is going.

Jennifer: Well, the Youth Center bought some tickets, and it's only 5,000 yen.

Sgt. Grant: Mary, would you get your calculator and see how much that is. It's gonna take me a long time to get used to this "funny money."

Mrs. Grant (shrugging): It's about $40.

Jennifer (quickly): $3750...(her parents both look at her quizzically)...about.

Sgt. Clark: That seems like a lot of money.

Jennifer: Well Zuleima Jones and Sharona Adimas and a lot of other people are (she corrects herself)...everyone's going.

Mrs. Grant: Is Sharona Adimas Colonel Adimas' daughter?

Jennifer (slowly): I don't know, I guess so.

Sgt. Grant: No wonder they're going. They've got that kind of money to throw away.

Jennifer (moving closer and trying to pout): Please, Daddy.

Sgt. Grant (trying to be reasonable): Come on, now, give me a minute, please. Who's playing at the concert?

Jennifer (gritting her teeth): Drack and the Dreadnaughts.

Mrs. and Sgt. Grant together: Drack and the Dreadnaughts!

Sgt. Grant: You mean with the spikes and the motorcycle boots and the leather?

Mrs. Grant: the video with a funeral parlor?

Sammy (entering the room): Yeah, you know Drack and the Dreadnaughts: "You brought me back from, You brought me back from, You brought me back from the dead. Duff duff da.."

Jennifer (seeing the jig is up, silently waves Sammy to stop. She raises a fist when he sticks his tongue out): They're-just the warm-up. The main group is (she pauses) Sonny and the Soulsonics.

Sgt. Grant (calming): Really? I didn't think they'd toured in years.

Sammy (surprising at her obvious lie): Sonny and the ...(as he sees Jennifer's silent warning, he pauses). Yep, Sonny and the Soulsonics.

Sgt. Grant (adding the pros and cons on his fingers): Well, if it's Sonny and the Soulsonics, I guess, I can come up with the money, and it is with the Youth Center.

Jennifer (nodding eagerly): Yeah, with adult chaperones. Please. Please.

Sgt. Grant (sighing): Alright, when is the concert?

Jennifer (wincing in anticipation): Tonight.

Sgt. Grant: Tonight? How are you expecting to get the tickets to a concert that's tonight? I can't go get the yen now.

Jennifer: It's alright. I already bought the...(she pauses, aware that she's made a major blunder)..ticket.

Sgt. Grant (angrily): You bought the ticket without even asking me first?

Jennifer: But you just gave your permission?

Sgt. Grant (getting up): That's not the point, Jennifer, and you know it. You went behind my back, and then you were going to lie about the tickets.

Jennifer (desperately): I didn't lie though. I told you I bought them, and asked your permission.

Sgt. Grant (walking to the other side of the room and then offstage, muttering): I can't talk to her. I can't talk to her.

Mrs. Grant: You know, you hurt your father, Jennifer.

Jennifer (standing up also): Hurt my father? Hurt him? Look at how he's hurt me, dragging me around the whole world, making stupid rules, forcing me to do things behind his back. That's the only way I can get any freedom. Now I can't even go to one stupid concert.

Mrs. Grant: The concert is not the issue, Jennifer.

Jennifer (increasing in volume): The "issue"? The "point"? The point here is ME. You both just want to control me, don't you? You want to tell me what to say, tell me what to do, tell me how to think, tell me who to meet. You treat me like a eight-year-old!

Mrs. Grant (acidly): When you act like this, you sure seem like an eight-year-old.

Jennifer (angrily): I am not a baby! Do you (calling across the room in the direction of her father) hear me: I AM NOT A BABY!

Sgt. Grant (crossing back across the room): Are you yelling at your mother?

Mrs. Grant: Jennifer!

Sgt. Grant: Jennifer!

Jennifer (mocking them): Jennifer!

(She steps forward as they freeze and does the following song in nursery rhyme style.)

Everybody wants a dolly,
They can call their own,
And sits upon their beddy bie,
And never talks or moans.

Hey, I'll be your dolly.
Say, I'll be your toy.
Hey, I'll be so jolly,
And fill your little world with joy.

Everybody wants a dolly,
To dress in brand new clothes.
With hair that need no curling,
That they can fill with bows.

Hey, I'll be your dolly.
Say, I'll be your toy.
Hey, I'll be so jolly,
And fill your little world with...

Sgt. Grant (interrupting): Jennifer, I am speaking to you.

Jennifer: I understand that, (mocking) "sir."

Sgt. Grant: And I don't want any backtalk from you.

Jennifer (saluting): Yes, "sir."

Sgt. Grant (his eyes almost glazing): And if you say "sir" to me one more time, I swear I will...

Sammy (appearing from the other room tossing a ball into the air and missing each catch): Dad, you were going to show me how to play catch. You said you were going to...

Sgt. Grant (momentarily distracted): Alright, Sammy, in just a few minutes. One (he breathes between numbers) Two. Three. Alright, Jennifer, now you listen to me, and DO NOT say a thing.

Jennifer (appearing ready to speak, just nods).

Sgt. Grant: You are not going to this concert. Further, you are on restriction for the next two months: no going anywhere, no doing anything with anyone.

Mrs. Grant: But Edward, didn't you say this morning that she was spending spending too much time in the-

Sgt. Grant: I don't care what I said this morning. The point is that she cannot get away with lying or with talking back. Right?

Mrs. Grant (sighing): Yes Dear.

Sgt. Grant: Now (he rises), put on your best dress.

Mrs. Grant: Why?

Sgt. Grant: We've got a dinner to go to tonight.

Mrs. Grant: For whom?

Sgt. Grant: Some Colonel Leer. They're giving him a farewell dinner tonight.

Mrs. Grant: We have to go?

Sgt. Grant: Command performance. Starts in an hour. Sammy (he suddenly remembers his son), that's right, I can't play today(Grant exits.)

Sammy (tossing the mit over his shoulder): That's too bad.

Mrs. Grant (starts to get up and motions to Jennifer): Dear, you must obey your father. (She exits).

Sammy (wiping his brow): Wow, Sis, sometimes I think you don't even have a circuit running upstairs. Couldn't you see how mad Dad was getting?

Jennifer (petulantly): They're wrong. That's all. And I'm going tonight.

Sammy (startled): How?

Jennifer: Didn't you just hear? They'll be gone. They won't know where I am.

Sammy: But they'll be back long before you get home from that concert.

Jennifer: I know.

Sammy: But then...(considering)..You must be crazy.

Jennifer (clenching her fist): Now I HAVE to go.


Setting: The seats are all arranged in a row. The kids are entering on stage, and there's an assorted musical clatter in the background.

Wendy (taking the first seat): Wow, this is great.

Sally: You'll really love it when the actual show starts.

Zuleima (sitting next to Sally and whispering in a very unaccented voice): One crack from you, and I'll make you sit next to Sharona.

Sally (drawing back firmly): "Crack"? Who me?

Sharona (motioning to Lance): Here, you sit down right between us, Lance, and you won't miss a thing.

Sally: If he sits down between them (she sees Zuleima staring at her), I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it.

Lance (shrugging): Okay, but where's Andy gonna sit?

(Sharona motions on her left side, not very interested. Jennifer, after looking around self-consciously, sits to the left of Andy).

Thelonius (turning red as he speaks to Jennifer): May, I er um.

Jennifer: Sit down.

Thelonius (slamming himself in the chair): Thank-you.

Sharona (to Jennifer): Here, Honey, I've got a present for you.

Jennifer (looking at it): This is an I.D. (She holds it up to look at it). How did you...

Sharona (yawning): My Daddy, the Colonel, has pull, and so do I.

Thelonius (reading): This says you're twenty-one.

Zuleima: Well, happy birthday, girl.

Wendy: Why would you want an incorrect I.D., like that?

Sally: Maybe she can vote for Dan Quayle?

Sharona: How else are you gonna get backstage. You know how Drack's roadies all check I.D.s. You are going backstage, aren't you?

Jennifer (gulping): I guess.

Zuleima (smiling): Sure, you want to meet Drack and the Dreadnaughts, don't you?

Jennifer (slowly): Yes.

Zuleima: Well?

Sharona: Since you're on the end, Thelonius, why don't you get us some refreshments? Maybe Jennifer will go with you to help.

Thelonius: Me, go with Jennifer, to get refreshments?

Sally (pointing): He's getting better. That was almost a complete sentence.

Lance (getting up): Come on. I'll go with you. (Both Zuleima and Sharona start to get up). No. I'M just going to the bathroom. (The two girls sit down and look dejected).

(The three kids go off the left side of the stage. Meanwhile the curtain does not fall. The people in the seats stare forward. As the imaginary music starts, the seated group start to groove as though hearing the music).

Voice of the announcer (from the back of the stage): Ladies and gentlemen. We're proud to announce this evening's opening group: The Edible Dinosaur (the seated group cheers and then appears to move to the music).

Jennifer: Boy, those guys are loud.

Lance: They're not very good either.

Thelonius: What do you want me to do?

Jennifer (pointing): You stand in the Coke line, and I'll stand in the food line, and Lance can (they get behind several extras on stage).

Lance (laughing): I don't really have to go to the bathroom, but I need a break from those two. They can be such a pain.

Jennifer (surprised): Really? Then you don't like them?

Lance (shrugging): Who knows? Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

Jennifer: Do you like-me?

Lance (shrugging again): I don't know. I really don't know you yet.

Jennifer: That's not an answer. You just don't want to say. You don't think I'm pretty.

Lance: I didn't say that.

Jennifer: Well, then say it.

Lance: Say what?

Jennifer: Say that I am pretty.

Lance: Okay, so you're pretty, but that doesn't mean that I like you.

Jennifer: What does it mean?

Lance: I don't know.

Jennifer (grabbing the food): Well, you're supposed to know this kind of stuff. Boys are supposed to know who they like.

Lance: Well, I know Andy likes you, Thelonius too.

Jennifer: But do YOU?

Lance (shuffling his feet): I don't know. Can't you give me a day or two?

Jennifer: No, I'm sentenced to imprisonment for at least a month, maybe two or three, and maybe worse. Look, will you go backstage with me to meet to band?

Lance: Zuleima and Sharona are only daring you with that. You ever heard about the way Drack treats girls, and you with a phony ID? Tell me you're not going to go backstage.

Jennifer: I'll go backstage by myself unless you answer my question: Do you like me?

Lance (pausing): I don't know.

Jennifer (petulantly): Well, then, I'm taking their dare. You've got to the end of the concert to decide.

Thelonius (rejoining them): Here are the drinks.

Jennifer: GOOD!

Thelonius (smiling): Thank-you.

Announcer (speaking offstage as the three kids rejoin the group on stage): And now our main event tonight, back from Detroit, on the tail end of their Total Scumbags Tour, Drack and the Dreadnaughts (Massive screams from the audience as three men walk forward and deposit a coffin-shaped box on the front of the stage.)

Announcer and loyal fans: Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to bury another victim of love killed by an ungrateful sweetheart.

Drack (rising out the coffin):

Your face was better than ether,
Your eyes are greener than Death,
Your lips are like a morticians.
You sigh and I feel your breath.

Don't send me off to the undertaker,
Just take those wires from my head,
Not ready for the incinerator,
Send Guns and Roses instead,

You brought me back from,
You brought me back from,
You brought me back from,
The Dead

(Long trombone lick...)
Back from the ----(there's a freeze.)

Jennifer (standing up and walking forward):

There's an angel flying overhead,
His voice is crying in my ear,
Through the darkness he may be dead,
But still my song is what he'll hear.

Come fly with me,
Come try with me,
I know that you don't know me, but I know you.
Come fly with me,

Come try with me,
There's nothing better you can do....

(As she reaches his side, she combs the curls back out of his hair and molds the sneer on his face into a smile.)
There's an angel in a coffin box,
A sun is rising 'bove a grave,
Touch my hand, and I'll raise you up,
It's not to late to be saved.

Come fly with me,
Come try with me,
I know that you don't know me, but I know you.
Come fly with me,
Come die with me,
There's nothing better you can do....

(As she sits down, the song resolves into the final chorus. She pointedly points at Lance who raises his hands in confusion and shrugs his shoulders.)


Don't send me off to the undertaker,
Just take those wire from my head,
Not ready for the incinerator,
Send Guns and Roses instead,

You brought me back from,
You brought me back from,
You brought me back from,
The Dead (The curtain falls.)


Setting: This is Drack's dressing room back stage. There are a few benches, a guitar strewn here and there, a few empty bottles of alcohol, several posters for the group, and a prominent plastic skull. No one is on stage as the curtain rises. Offstage there is cheering.

Jennifer (entering): Is anybody here? (She walks in cautiously as though afraid to touch anything). How do I look? (She stares into a full-length mirror, slowly unbuttons her top two buttons, shakes her head, and visibly tries to look older).

Drack (walking into the room and tossing his guitar, seeing Jennifer): So? Sit down.

Jennifer (gingerly): My name is Jennifer, Jennifer (she paused for a moment) Smith. Jennifer Smith.

Drack (stumbling over something. Jennifer rushes forward to try to help): Get away from me.

Jennifer (shyly): I was just trying to...

Drack (interrupting): See the skull? Go bring me the bottle and the pills inside it.

Jennifer (scrambling across the room grabs the two things. Halfway across the room, she hauls and starts to read the labels on both): What is this?

Drack: Shut up and give it to me. (He sits down on the couch).

Jennifer (still reading and wincing): Here.

Drack (when she reaches him, he awkwardly grasps her wrist, reaches for the bottle, takes a swig and then pops an indefinite amount of pills. He chases that with another swig): Come here.

Jennifer: But..

Drack (forcing her into a long, brutal kiss before he pushes her away): How old are you, anyway?

Jennifer (keeping her distance and circling): Twenty-one.

Drack: Ha! Come here.

Jennifer (moving further): I-

Drack: Come here!!

Jennifer (taking two gingerly steps): Coming.

Drack: Hell (he waves her off), not fast enough. Help me find a black case in here somewhere.

Jennifer (as she's looking): Black case?

Drack: Yeah, my glasses. I gotta take a look at you. You sound like some fourteen-year-old BABY.

Jennifer (finding the case just as he says "Baby.") I'm no baby. (She puts the case inside her purse). I just can't seem to find them around here, Drack.

Drack (shaking his head and rolling his eyes): Stop calling me that stupid name, My name is Jack, (he appears to be thinking). Wait, what is my last name?

Jennifer: Craigman? That's what ROCK WEEK says.

Drack: Well (he motions), come on. I don't care about the glasses any more. Let's get this over with. Maybe it'll help me sleep.

Jennifer (standing up): You don't want to know anything about me?

Drack: No, I don't. Now let's stop wasting time, and do this. I wanna get a burger (he starts to take off his jacket).

Jennifer (thinking aloud): You don't care at all about me. You don't even WANT to care about me.

Drack: Will you stop talking please. I'm still hearing that bass line ringing in my ears. Is it "yes" or "no"?

Jennifer: I don't know.

Drack (lying): Then stop bothering me and get out of here. I've got a long trip ahead of me. Hey look (he sits up suddenly), it's blue: blue dots.

Jennifer (realizing he's not paying much attention): You don't care about anything, do you?

Drack: Blue dots and pink circles going 'round and 'round (he waves his hands in circles). This is a new vision. I've never seen this before.

Jennifer (crying):

Why can't you hear me calling.
Why can't you see me cry?
I'm only here for a day,
And I wish you'd tell me why.

And can't you here me screaming,
'Till the wall come tumblin' down.
Why can't you feel me hurting,
My mind's spinning round and round.

Guard #1 (rushing into the room. As he does, Jennifer deftly pulls the glasses case from her purse and drops them back on the floor): Boss, are you alright? That girl looks young.

Drack: Blue, green, like the sea. I'd like to see the sea.

Guard # 1 (looking down): Boss, what are you doing with your glasses on the floor. Here (he puts the glasses on Drack), you see now.

Drack (making funny faces): Wait-a-second (he hits himself to gather his attention and seems to be mostly there. He points at Jennifer). You are just a kid. Goddamn it, another frame-up!

(Jennifer starts to get up and leave, but the guard grabs her wrist).

Guard # 1: Let her go, Boss?

Drack: I don't know. Let me think. There's gotta be a camera here somewhere (pointing up and wrenching his hands). They can lock people up for child molestation. Still (he considers), that could help my reputation.

(There are sounds of a commotion, and Sgt. Grant fights his way on stage amid three body guards.)

Drack (alarmed): Oh no, they've called out the Army on me. Boy (he makes camera motions with his hands), what a video that would make.

Jennifer (wrenching herself free from the guard): Daddy!

Guard # 1: Let them go, Boss. I mean if we hold her, we're talking about kidnapping!

Jennifer (drawing herself up): I'm no kid (the guards holding her father make no attempt to loosen their grip). I'm a young adult.

Drack: Well (he rises from the couch and walks drunkenly over towards Sgt. Grant), what's it going to be? You want money, a percentage of my next contract? How much? I know what you are-a cheap blackmailer. I understand your kind.

Guard # 2: You want us to rough him up?

Drack: No, I want him to tell me what he wants.

Sgt. Grant (to Drack): You can TRY to rough me up all you want, but it won't make difference. I'm not afraid of you.

Guard # 2: Just one punch, Boss. I'll change his tune.

Drack: I understand this guy. I know what he wants.

Sgt. Grant: You don't understand me, you don't understand Jennifer, and you don't know anything 'cause you're a NOTHING.

Guard # 1 (springing forward): You better watch what you say.

Jennifer (slowly drawing away from her father): Daddy, wait a second. You didn't come here to rescue me, did you? You came here to punish me for disobeying you and going to the concert...

Sgt. Grant (sighing): Um (he pauses, acknowledging the truth of her assumptions). Jennifer, I came to take you home.

Jennifer (dazed): I'm not sure I want to go home yet (as she says this Drack pops a couple more pills). What "really matters," "the point" is that you just want to keep me under control.

Guard # 2 (motioning to Jennifer): You wanna keep the little girl awhile, Boss?

Drack (shaking his head in a circle): He called me a "nothing." Girls form a line outside my dressing room just to look at me, and he calls me a "nothing."

(There are offstage noises and Andy, Thelonius, and Lance burst onto the stage followed by Wendy and Sally. The guards shift to restrain the boys.)

Lance (being held by a guard): Is that guy (he points to Drack) trying to do something?

Drack (to himself): Five millions brats have my picture pasted on their walls, and he calls me a "nothing." I can BUY this man, and he calls me a nothing.

Thelonius: You can't BUY anybody.

Sgt. Grant: Jennifer, tell me that you'll come home. Jennifer, you mom is home worrying about you. Jennifer, (he pauses), we love you.

(Zuleima and Sharona walk on stage. They view the scene before them, the boys being held by a guard, Jennifer circling in a daze, and seem a bit shocked).

Zuleima: Jennifer what are you...(Drack starts to stumble towards her). Come on, everybody to the bus.

Sharona (backing away also): Come on, everyone, we've got to get out of here. If I'm not home by twelve, my parents will KILL me.

Guard # 1: Boss, it's getting awful crowded in here. Tell us what to do. Tell the little girls to scram; they'll listen to you.

Drack: Not a "creep" or a "weirdo," no he called me a "nothing."

Andy (being held by another guard): Say the word, Jennifer, and we'll help you out.

Jennifer (pointing to the three boys): No, you don't care either. You're just playing out a role. The strong boys save the "girl in distress."

Guard # 4: Come, on Boss. Make a choice here. I don't want to be involved in kidnapping. That's a Federal rap.

Drack (staggering): Like a pill exploding, green, into black, a nothing, nothing?

Sgt. Grant: Jennifer, please, I won't punish you.

Jennifer (shocked): Try to BUY my obedience? Give a dog a treat if she fetches a stick?

Wendy (pointing to Drack): He's not so dreamy any more.

Sally: Come on Jennifer, snap out of it. Tell your dad you love him, and we can all go home.

Jennifer (circling): It should all be so simple, but it's not. It's like Sammy's video game. There's five easy pieces to the puzzle, and all you've gotta do is put them together, and only the computer tells you the answer (she raises her hands to no one in particular), but the answer is supposed to make SENSE.

Sgt. Grant: Please, Jennifer, I love you. Listen to me.

Drack: A nothing?

Guard # 1: Boss?

Wendy: Jennifer?

Guard # 2: Drack?

Lance: Jennifer!

Sgt. Grant (in anguish): Jennifer!!

The cast (repeating several times, not in unison): Boss! Drack! Jennifer?

Drack (last): Nothing!!!!

(Final freeze and Jennifer walks forward. She slowly examines all the frozen positions of the other figures. Then she walks to the edge of the stage to address the audience.)

Shine, shine like a star,
Can you tell me,
Where I'm going tonight.

Bright, bright as you are,
Can you lend me,
Just a drop of your light.

(Answering voices on stage sing "aaahh."

Look, look at me,
Can you see,
What I want you to see.

Look, look at me,
Can I be,
What you want me to be?

(Jennifer drops her head on her shoulder. There's a pause, and then the curtain lowers.)

XII. SON OF RAPMAN (Or Back to the Rapture, Pt. II)


Nathaniel Tobias Rappicinilleski: son of Rapman

Commisioner Thornton: recently released from Sappy Acres

The Chief: Head of Gotham's regular police forces.

Rockin': Rapman's usual sidekick and heavy metal man

Disco Don: an evil, perverse villain with a thing about disco

Henchman #1(Dummy): a particularly stupid criminal

Henchmen #2-3(Dummy): even stupider criminals

Announcer: a voice for justice

Store Owner: an innocent by-stander with an attitude

Dum Doll: Don's scattered-brained femme fatale

Scene One: There is a single table with a prominent black phone on it and a tape recorder. The Chief, dressed in either a suit or blue uniform and hat, is sitting at the table which is loaded with files. The announcer enters the stage.

Announcer: It is yet another stressful day in Gotham City as the Chief sits examining the files on the latest crime wave.

Chief (looking up to see the Commissioner enter the stage): Commissioner!

Commissioner (the two shake hands): It's good to see you, Chief.

Chief: (awkwardly) How do you-er, eh?

Commissioner (proudly): Five months in Sappy Acres was all it took. I'm psychologically fit as a fiddle, and I'm back at the job. Now (overenthusiastically), let's solve some crimes!

Chief (suspiciously): You mean the Mayor returned you to being police commissioner after five months in a mental institution?

Commissioner: Why not? After all they elected him, and he's been to jail.

Chief (shaking his head): Well I'll be nice to you and not even mention the word Rap-

Commissioner (calmly): It's alright. I'm okay. I've undergone extensive treatments in the special ward with Dr. Grandmaster Psyche. I'm ready. Bring on the beat. Pa-Pa-Pa.

Chief: That's the problem Commissioner. You see the Rapman is on special assignment to the Japan Police, and there's been a massive crime wave. It seems some sick-minded fiend has been robbing all the record stores, stealing all the CDs, and leaving these (he holds up a piece of cardboard with "Disco Don" on the cover).

Commissioner: Albums?

Chief: Worse. Extended play remixes of- Well I'd better play the tape.

Voice on tape:

Om, Pa, Om, Pa, Ow, Pa, Ow Pa
Disco-shake your booty;
Give your horn and drum a little tooty.
Disco-give me your money;
Shake your thing and make it kind of funny.

Don't let the dance rot and rust.
Move your body and shake off the dust.
Scramble cross the dancefloor like a dog in heat.
Dance so hard you're killing ants with your feet.

Disco in front of your friends.
Truck on down and shake around your rear end...

Commissioner (as the tape suddenly cuts out, he catches himself still moving): Er-eh-That's sick.

Chief: The robber, who calls himself 'Disco Don,' has already taken five men out of the case!

Commissioner: Murdered them?

Chief: No but we won't see them for hours. You see he sent them free coffee and donuts. We've got to stop this man.(At this point, two men enter the stage. One is dressed in a baggy shirt, gigantic glasses and wing-tipped shoes. He carries a big attaché case. He carries a massive book in his hand. The other wears an old t-shirt, a peace sign tied around his neck, and a pear of ragged jeans. The Chief immediately points to them.) It's Rockin' and, and (he stutters)...

Son of Rapman (extending his hand): My name is Nathaniel Tobias Rappicinilleski.

Rockin': Establishment freaks, this is Rapman's son.

Commissioner: It's good to have you on our side. (Aside to the chief) Maybe we can cut down on overtime.

Nathaniel (shaking the Commissioner's hand): I'm pleased to proffer my metalegal services at a premium.

Commissioner (shrugging his shoulders): I'm sure. Are you a crimefighter like your dearly departed father?

Nathaniel: I'm profoundly drawn towards the soluvation of dilemmas involving warped and illegalistic mentalities.

Rockin'(translating): He thinks crime's a bummer.

Chief: What kind of training have you had?

Nathaniel: I majored at Ripp U. in criminology, psychology, parasitology, and a oneotherology.

Commissioner: What are all those subjects?

Nathaniel (shrugging his shoulders): How should I know: I didn't study Latin.

Commissioner (rising): And then do you-rap?

Nathaniel: You have to trandescend the boundaries of our linguistic barriers to illuminate this concept of "rap."

Rockin' (translating): The fuzz has to fill him in.

Commissioner (pointing): Hit it, Chief.

Chief (very badly):

Well I'm Rapman, and I'm here today
To stop the er, er, crooks from getting away.
I'll get the bad guys or something like that.
That's why I wear this Rapman hat.

Nathaniel (shaking his head): I'm led to consider that you interpret that putrid piece of poetry as passing for musical?

Commissioner (turning his head): Can you do better?

Nathaniel (taking his violin from its case, facing the audience, and singing operatically):

Simplaro con el pastrami,
Micheleni rata mi mommy,
Sistaron contemptouso,
Miceand men enmi expresso.

Sifta runes piano matullo,
Donabe a bigga foola.

(As he proceeds, everyone on strange cringes in musical pain.)

Commissioner (interrupting by asking of Rockin'): What does all that mean?

Rockin': How should I know, brother? Nobody understands opera.

Chief: He's saying (obviously translating): 'My pants are so tight. I wish I hadn't ate all this pastrami. It's getting me heartburn. Oh, (he suddenly notices the other three are staring at him) in the police academy we had to study Italian and Irish.

Commissioner: Here, why don't you (grabbing all the files on the Chief's desk), try out your education.

Nathaniel (enthusiastically but weighed down by all the papers): I'd be engorgurated. (He starts singing as he leaves the stage):

Enmy casa dona me cello
Havecar isbetter thannone....

Rockin'(to the audience): Where's Iron Butterfly when you need them?

(The curtain falls to the tune of "Inna Gadda Da Vida").


Scene: There is a little counter set up with two tables with a number of poster for imaginary acts, like Michael Jackson, The Fruithouse Five, and Wimpy Warpole. Behind the desk, there are rows and rows of CD boxes. A couple works the desk. The announcer enters the stage.

Announcer: Meanwhile sinister and silly events were going on at Dork's Disk Store.

(Three men enter the stage, all wearing polyester bell-bottomed pants and tight polyester shirts. The leader, Disco Don, wears enormous, bright colored, horn-rimmed glasses, an a wide-brimmed hat, and high platform shoes. The three carry toy guns. Doll is wearing a tight skirt and a blonde wig).

Henchman #2 (pointing the gun at the store keeper and pronouncing "r"s like "w"s): Your money or your wlife!

Storekeeper (turning around): Honey, it's for you!

Henchman #3 (angrily): No, not your wife, your life!

Storekeeper (shrugging and taking some play money from

beneath the counter): You're sure you won't reconsider-

Disco Don(facing the audience and taking henchman #1 by the shoulder): Can't you see it now, Henchman #1, we'll steal every CD in the city and replace them with this: (he holds up an album cover with his picture and the title Disco Don Does Disco!). It'll be a polyester revolution and bring back disco! (He laughs maniacally as the other henchman start to put out more albums by Disco Don).

Henchman #1 (stupidly): But why are we stealing the money, too?

Don(suddenly releasing his shoulder): I may be insane, but I'm not stupid. Doll?

Doll (making a little curtsy): Yes, Disco Donny?

Don: Let's hit it.

(They all start dancing in unison as they sing.)

Let's do the disco with Disco Donny.
Go to record stores and give him all your maney.
He'll have you dancing 'round and 'round your disco floor,
You'll like it when you're dancing out the door.

(They suddenly halt and do a leaning back John Travolta style break).

We're gonna shake you down and takey all your cash-
Till you're so poor your living off the trash.
You'll be on the street robbing with your noogie,
Just so you can buy a disco shirt and boogie.

(They freeze. This is a perfect photo op.)

Rockin (entering the stage with Nathaniel, reading from a book, as he walks, at his side): Peace, love, and revolution, man. The trip's over.

Nathaniel (suddenly looking up): Peculiar passage of tonalities, I must observe.

Henchman #1 (to Don): Is that guy speaking English?

Don: I recognize that man with the ragged clothes. That's Rapman's buddy, Rockin.'

Rockin' (agreeing): That's the scene. Now lay down the bread 'cause The Man is on the way.

Henchman #1 (to Don): Is that guy speakin' English?

Don (starting to move forward): It'd ensafetize you to surrender your munitions to my associates and me.

Rockin': My main man here is Rapman's son.

Don (folding his arms across his chest): Well go on then. Show us some of your "family talents."

Rockin' (to the audience): Oh no.

Nathaniel (takes out the violin and begins):

Simplaro con el pastrami,
Micheleni rata mi mommy,
Sistaron contemptouso,
Miceand men enmi expresso.

(By this time, the bad guys are in pain).

Rockin'(stepping close to Nathaniel): Not groovy. You just sang those lines in the last scene.

Nathaniel (pointing to the audience): Do you see all those people?

Rockin': I dig.

Nathaniel: Most of them paid half price to see this show.

Rockin': Bad scene.

Nathaniel: When they pay full price, I memorize a full opera. Now, if you don't mind:

Halfa mi braina
Gonna o me paina
Saya see wimpy
Ridya me blimpy.

Don (exasporated and cringing): What is he saying!
Rockin'(shrugging his shoulders): Who knows? No one understands opera.

Henchman #1: He's saying (translating) "The moon sets slowly on this Italian villa. Your black eyes and hair resemble spaghetti with meatballs. (Slowly everyone's eyes focus on him.)

Don (smacking Henchman #1): Will you shut up!

Nathaniel: It'd behoove you to discease attempts to flee.

Doll (sighing and running her hands over her body): Ooh, I just love it when they talk dirty like that.

Don (shrugging his shoulders): Get them.

(The robbers move forward, and there's a fight. Each time someone swings, they say "Pow," or "Oof," except Nathaniel who says "Mi" or "Fa," and sings a note. Finally, he is knocked off his feet when Henchman #2 hits him saying "Rap! Rap!" and he falls to his knees, falling off stage, saying "Pa! Pa! Pa!" quietly. All the henchmen fall except #1 and Dolly. They shield Nathaniel so he cannot be seen.)

Rockin'(tearing off his peace sign and holding it in front of him like a weapon, moves forward singing):

Inna Rockinferno like a firce,
Something gone burning inna lyre.
Flowers exploding like dynamite,
Rocking black and blue all night.

Don (to Henchman #1): What is he saying?

Henchman #1: Search me. No one understands heavy metal.

Don (picks up an album, and, after struggling with Rockin', hits him over the head. Rockin' falls): Here's some heavy plastic for ya!

Rockin'(smiling stupidly as he starts to fall): Woodstock on my head, mama.

Doll(pointing off stage): Boss, something strange is happening. That Nathaniel guy's changing his clothes (suddenly smiling); what a sight!

Henchman #1 (Nathaniel emerges on stage, pulling suspenders over his white shirt and tossing his book and tie in different directions. He pulls out a pair of dark glasses and slips them over his eyes): He looks just like-

Son of Rapman:

Tell all the criminal's I'm going to ruin their day.
And that Gotham isn't any place they oughta stay.
I'm feeling pretty mad, and every second I get meaner;
I'll clean this old city like a Hoover vaccume cleaner.

Dolly: He sounds just like-

Son of Rapman (moving forward and making a move that floors Henchman #1):

You think that you can get away with robbing proper folks,
Playing lousy music, and telling rotten jokes.
Well I'm here to make sure that justice doesn't fail.
And put your disco booties in the Gotham City jail.

Dolly (moves forward and starts to make a karate chop. Then she falls down): Oh, lock me up, please!
Don (holding the album in front of him): I don't who or what you are, but you won't escape this my steel, edged EP disco album. Nobody (he hits Son of Rapman on the head but the album simply folds like a piece of paper-which it, of course, is.) messes with Disco Don.

Son of Rapman:

Well my heart is made of steel, and my head made of stone.
And the rhymes I'm shooting can go right through a bone.
It takes more than just weapons to mess with super me
'Cause I am descended from a petrified family tree.

Don(as being pinned): It's-it's-it's.(The Commissioner and chief enter the stage, and everyone starts to rise up and point at the figure)-Rap-

Son of Rapman (putting on his cap that says "Son of Rapman"):

I'm warning your criminals not to be bad,
'Cause this young man's even meaner than his dad.
Stomping out crime is my way of having fun,
So you'd better not mess with the Rapman's son.

(The other two lawmen, after putting cuffs on the criminals, move over towards of Rapman as he finishes).

Cause I'm Rapman's child, and I'm on prowl,
To find the find the criminals and I'll make them crawl,
I'll make the big city a nice-to-live-in place.
And I'll the keep the cockroaches out of everyone's face.

Commissioner, Chief, and Son of Rapman (rap style):

Commissioner: Now there's a moral to this story,

Rockin': That shouldn't go to waste.

Chief: That's to not commit a crime

Son of Rapman: Or to sing in bad taste.

Commissioner: So keep that radio tuned

Rockin': To the music that's tough

Chief: And don't do wrong

Son of Rapman: Or your life can be rough.

Good guys: 'Cause we're Rapmen, and we're here today.

To stop the criminals from getting their way.

We'll scrape the scumbags offa every back street

'Cause the Rapmen are too tough to defeat.

The End.



Colonel Gerald Adamson: local head of intelligence and operations at Lakota Air Force Base, a fair, dedicated officer.

Mr. Tom Geneson: a special agent assigned to the base with the wits and the manners of a sharp knife.

Lieutenant Aram Mathies Deliasson (aka Andy): the missing man.

General White: the "old man," commander of the base.

Rita Woods: Adamson's personal secretary whose voice is only heard on stage.

Lieutenant Sandra Baines: a friend of Andy's

Captain Barnes: head of Methodist First Church, a kindly, fair man.

Sergeant Thomas Levinson: neighbor to Andy.

Mr. Ames: the barkeeper at the Officer's Club.

Mrs. Johnson: the barmaid at the Officer's Club.

Yozakai Kurochi: a Yazuka, a Japanese Mafia boss.

Yuki Ome: mistress #1 at Yozakai's club.

Sandra Adamson: wife of the colonel.


Setting: This play will require a split set. On stage left will be a table with two to three chairs, a coffee pot, and various assorted papers around along desk. On stage right will be changing scenes as the various anecdotes in the play are illustrated. The General and Colonel in this scene are in uniform. Mr. Geneson has his hair slicked back, stonily, into place and carries an attache case. He's wearing a black suit enlivened only by his black tie and dark glasses so that not much of his features can be seen. He enters stage left with the Colonel.

General (showing Mr. Geneson inside the romm): Here you are Mr.-What is you name again?

Mr. Geneson: Geneson. Tom Geneson.

General: Now I'm going to leave you two alone to take care of this business. Mr. Geneson, I can assure you that Colonel Adamson is the man best man in the Far East in charge of intelligence...

Mr. Geneson (cutting him off): I'm the sure the Colonel will give me all the help I need. Now, if you'll excuse us, there's a war going on.

General (a little surprized and confused by this irreverent response): Well, then, carry on (he leaves).

Mr. Geneson: Call in Baines first.

Colonel Adamson (pausing and looking at Geneson): Mr. Geneson, I'd appreciate it if you'd at least tell me why we're having this investigation.

Mr. Geneson: You will see, Colonel, and when I'm done, it'll be up to you to take care of the matter. So watch, look, and learn.

Colonel Adamson (straightening his tie): I'm an officer who does his job, and my job here is intelligence, and I can assure you, our base's security has not been breached. Now I don't know what they tell you in Washington, but here we have procedures...

Geneson: You resent them calling in an outsider? If you had done the job, I wouldn't be here. They pay me to get THE JOB DONE, not for anything else, and done quickly. Now, do you have the files I requested.

Adamson (hesitating): Some of these files are on civilians; I don't have the authority to...

Geneson (thrusting out his open hand): Give them to me.

Colonel Adamson (sighing): Alright, alright.

Geneson (taking them): Good. That's the way, one step at a time. Now, I want you to get Lieutenant Baines.

Adamson (to his phone): Rita?

Rita's voices: Yes?

Adamson: Would you ring Lietenant Baines?

Geneson: The Hell with that. Tell her to get over here fast (Geneson starts looking through the thick piles of information. He snarls at a couple of sheets, mutters some cusswords, crinkles them, and tosses them in the trash. Adamson is visibly horrified). Dammit Adamson, half this information is lies and miscalculations.

Adamson (moving towards the trash): Wait, half those are official government documents-

Geneson (throwing another piece in the trash): Really? How interesting. Now I have a list of people I want you to get (he draws it from his own attache case), and I want you to have them waiting out in the hallway.

Adamson: I don't see that point-

Geneson: That doesn't matter. Do it, Colonel.

Rita's voice: Colonel, Lieutenant Baines is here to see you.

Geneson (interrupting): Good! Send her in (he looks at the Colonel standing with the list in his hand). Don't "dog it;" that is the military word for wasting time, isn't it, Colonel?

Colonel (hissing as he walks out): There had better be a point to all this.

Geneson (ignoring him): Send in the Lieutenant.

Lieutenant Baines (walking in): Who are you, and what is all this about?

Geneson (taking out a piece of paper and starting to write down something): Who I am is not important. What I am doing is important. You're going to answer some questions.

Colonel (re-enterring): I've taken care of the summonses, Mr. Geneson (he sits down angrily).

Lieutenant Baines (to Geneson): I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to see some credentials.

Geneson (taking out a piece of papers holds it out under her nose. She looks at it gulps and gently thrusts his arm back): Now I want some answers. Question #1: Where is Lieutenant Aram Mathies Deliasson?

Lieutenant Baines: Who? Oh (thinking), you mean Andy?

Geneson: Who?

Baines: That's what everybody calls the Lieutenant, "Andy."

Geneson (shaking his head): Well, where is this "Andy"?

Baines: I don't know, s-(she stops herself before saying "sir.")

Geneson: Isn't it true, Baines, that you work with this "Andy" in your section.

Lieutenant Baines: No, sir, I do not. I don't know what his section is. I only met him a couple of times at the "Rec Center," and he never talked about his assignment at all. He was (she smiles) not much of a talker.

Geneson: When was the last time you saw him?

Baines: I don't know, sir.

Geneson (looking up): What do you mean you "don't know, sir"? Either you see a man or you don't. When is the last time you definitely saw him.

Lieutenant Baines: I mean, I'm not sure, sir. It was night time. I was coming back from a graveyard shift, and I could swear I saw-

Geneson (impatiently): When is the last time you, "for sure," saw him?

Lieutenant Baines: That's easy. That was in ballet class.

Colonel (looking sideways): ballet?

(Baines gets up and moves towards the other side of the split stage. As she gets there, the curtain rises and there's a line of girls dressed in work-out suits and one man dressed similarly. As the classical music starts, the dancers move unison, except the man who's hopelessly bad. As Baines gets to the edge of the stage, she sheds her uniform and the audience sees her dressed in a workout outfit also).

Instructor: And one and two and halt.

Andy (panting): Wow.

Baines (laughing): Did you enjoy it?

Andy: I can see why so many men that do this are gay. You wear those tights long enough...

Baines: I hate to tell you this, but you are really, really bad.

Andy: Well, I told you, I never tried this before.

Baines: Do you feel better now? Is all the stress gone?

Andy (rubbing his kness): Now, I have pain instead of stress.

Baines: Well, come on, put your pants on, and we'll go get a drink.

Andy (somewhat discomfitted): Thank-you-no. Just being here for a while was enough to clear my mind. I could forget about everything for a minute.

Baines (frowning): Everything. Is something wrong at work?

Andy (hurriedly): Oh no, nothing's wrong. Everything is just fine. Fine. Now, I've got to go.

Baines: Are you sure?

Andy (as he walks away, he starts to sing. Baines puts back on her uniform as he continues to sing strains of the song): Da-Do-Da (and then he exits).

Geneson (writing as Baines retakes her seat): SWAN LAKE?

Baines: Yes, SWAN LAKE.

Geneson: You know that's a Russian ballet.

Baines: Of course it is. Do you think I'm stupid just because I'm in the military!

Geneson: Now what is this all about this "Andy"? You seem to have been on very good terms with him.

Baines (hesitating): Well, I'd just see him around and talk to him. Like I said, he was a good listener, and that's hard to find.

Colonel: Did you find him attractive?

Baines: Andy (she chuckles)? No, Andy was the kind of guy you'd laugh with but never get interested in.

Geneson: What if I told you he is suspected of undermining the national security?

Baines: Andy? Not likely. Now would you tell me what this is all about.

Geneson: That will be all, Lieutenant.

Baines (a little worried): Andy, didn't do anything wrong. He's not in trouble?

Geneson: You seem more than professionally alarmed by that possibility. Are you sure you never.

Baines (standing up): NO. Am I done?

Geneson: Yes.

Baines: Yes (she hesitates), alright. I wish you could tell me where he is.

Geneson: Believe me, I wish I could tell you too.


Scene: The action runs continuosly. There can be a break here or the show can run without one.

Colonel: Geneson, I can't say I approve of the way you talked to that officer. You do not have authority to interrogate members of this command like that about their personal lives. I wish you'd restrict your questions to the subject.

Geneson: Colonel, sometimes personal lives are tied very closely to professional ones. We can't afford any slips.

Colonel: Well, I will remind you to follow the procedures.

Geneson: Colonel, I will follow the procedures only so far as the procedures will go (he hits the page button). What is the name of your secretary?

Colonel: Rita.

Geneson (sounding not so commanding): Rita. Send in the Chaplain. Chaplain-

Rita's voice: Brown, sir?

Geneson: Yes, that's the one. He's a Baptist, right?

Rita's voice: No, sir, he's a Methodist.

Geneson: Close enough for Jesus. Send him in.

Chaplain Brown (bowing slightly to the Colonel, he extends his hand to Geneson. Geneson hesitates and shakes his hand stiffly): I'm Chaplain Brown.

Geneson (indicating a seat): Fine, I'm Mr. Geneson.

Chaplain (to the Colonel): Why have I been requested, Colonel?

Colonel (shrugging his shoulders): I'm afraid I can't tell you Reverend. It is about (seeing Geneson's warning glance) a member of our community.

Chaplain: Oh. Not in trouble is he?

Geneson: Let me ask you some questions, Reverend. Have you ever met a man named Aram Mathies Deliasson?

Chaplain: I've met many men on this base, and some, I've only seen their faces. I'd like to get to think I'll meet all of them before long, but I don't recall the name.

Colonel: He might call himself "Andy"?

Chaplain (shaking his head): Still no. (He looks at the photo that Geneson draws from his attache case). Oh yes, I do recall him. I only met him once.

Geneson: And yet, you remember him? He must've made a strong impression, or you must have one Hell of a memory.

Chaplain (wincing at the word "Hell"): He did make a strong impression on me because I met him on such a strange occasion. You see, he came to me to confess.

Geneson: I'm not much on God, I'm afraid, but I thought a person could only confess to the other guys, the priests.

Chaplain Brown: That's what's so strange about it. (He gets up and walks to the other side of the stage. The curtain rises and there's the minister's office. Church type music is playing in the background.)

Andy (entering with his cap in his hand): Can I come in, your Reverence.

Chaplain: I'm not a "your Reverence," but please sit down.

Andy (stiting down): Okay-sir. That's nice music you have there.

Chaplain: Thank-you. I wish our church choir was that good, but that would take a miracle.

Andy (absently): Yes, a miracle.

Chaplain (looking at him): Is there something on your mind? What did you say your name was?

Andy (thinking): Pious Aeneas.

Chaplain (raising an eyebrow): Hm. What is it you wish to talk about?

Andy: I don't know much about religon; I've never much needed it. I've heard though, that if you did something really bad, you could go into a church booth, admit what you did, and be forgiven. That's what I want.

Chaplain: "Pious" that's what the Catholics believe, that someone can come along, and because of his position with the Church and God, relieve you of your pain. Now, my church believes that your misdeeds are between you and God.

Andy (slumping): Then you can't help me (sighing); I should've known.

Chaplain: Nooo. I didn't say that. I said that only God can forgive you. If you have wronged somebody else, though, I think you should try to right that wrong. If you have wronged yourself, you should try to heal yourself. As a minister, I am here to help you and give you advice and tell what the BIBLE says, but you alone have to decide what you have to do and let God worry about forgiveness.

Andy: It doesn't sound very easy.

Chaplain: Nothing ever is, except in God's wisdom. Now if you to go to a real confession, there are Catholic priests,...

Andy (shaking his head): No, I don't think that would help now. What if I gave some money to the Church (he looks around); it sure looks it could use it.

Chaplain (smiling): If you truly want to give, please do. It's tax deductible, but it you think you can buy God's forgiveness...

Andy: No (putting his hand on his chin), there are things, I know, that cannot be bought.

Chaplain: Yes. Now I'm ready to hear what you want to tell me, and I'll try to help, but I've got to give you a warning: U.S. law protects the sinner's right to privacy in a confession but does not recognize that right in a conversation between minister and sinner.

Andy (getting up): No, I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone anything. All I've got left is the pain.

Chaplain: Try to heal yourself, and if you've hurt others, try to heal them also. There are no easy answers.

Andy: I wish I'd known that before I started. Everything would've been so different (he leaves, and as the curtain lowers the Chaplain crosses the stage back to his seat).

Chaplain: I wondered, at the time, if he'd done something wrong.

Geneson: And yet, you didn't report anything to the base intelligence officers of this whole conversation?

Chaplain (frowning): No.

Geneson: So you knew a man was probably guilty of some kind of crime, and yet, you did nothing.

Chaplain: So you're wondering why I didn't report on a conversation that didn't take place? That seems a questionable premise.

Geneson: Yet your every word in the last ten minutes tells me that you knew this man was involved in some kind of evil.

Chaplain: Most men are involved in some kind of evil.

Geneson (leaning forward): Such as yourself, not reporting a possible criminal?

Chaplain: That's between me and my God.

Geneson: And yet, you didn't even really volunteer to help by hearing this man. By warning him about the "rules and procedures," you essentially told him that you didn't want to know, were afraid to become involved.

Chaplain (uncomfortably): I did what I felt was best.

Geneson (making a hands gesture): You just "washed your hands."

Chaplain (running his hands over the cross on his robe): How could I have known that then; he said nothing to me.

Geneson: Still you are a man paid to judge the moral strength of others. You had some idea of what this man was capable of. Did you tell the Colonel, here?

Chaplain (more distressed): Please leave me alone. I find this conversation very dull.

Colonel (pursuing reluctantly): You are aware, Chaplain Brown, that as a member of the Armed Forces, you are, just as I am, liable to disciplinary actions for any failure to fulfill the obligations necessary to ensure National Security, and we are involved in a war.

Chaplain: We're always involved in a war, whether on the battlefield or...

Geneson: Do you know what it means?

Chaplain (suddenly looking up): What?

Geneson: Pious Aeneas?

Chaplain: I'm not stupid. "Pious" is Latin for faithful, and "Aeneas," I'll assume, is a Latin name.

Geneson: The story is pre-Christian. Pious Aeneas fled from Troy. He came to Italy and conquered the city of Rome. In a climactic battle, he killed the hero of the Latins in a fashion often compared to a ritual sacrifice. Aeneas was called "Pious" because he was faithful to his god, Ares, the God of War. He wasn't faithful to your god. Doesn't this suggest anything to you?

Chaplain: It suggests you went to a good liberal arts school. Now can I leave?

Colonel (hurriedly): I don't think he knows anything else.

Geneson: He certainly doesn't know much, but more than he'll say in front of us. Chaplain, I think you can return to your work. You've certainly helped us as much as you've helped this "Andy." We may need a prayer or two from you before we're finished.


Scene: The scene is the same as before, but by the profusion of papers, it should be appparent that some time has passed.

Colonel (yawning): It's almost six o' clock. Don't you want something to drink.

Geneson: Yes, I'll take a black coffee and a small order of Sergeant Levinson.

Colonel (angirly): You treat officers like dirt, you treat ministers like sand papper. Don't you ever get tired of being nasty?

Geneson: When I do, I'll retire. Rhona?

Rita's voice: It's "Rita," sir, like "Rita Book."

Geneson: Fine. Send in Sergeant Levinson.

Rita's voice: Yes, sir.

Levinson (holding his hat in his hand, looking from Colonel Adamson to Geneson, looks at the Colonel): Am I in some kind of trouble, sir?

Colonel: Well-

Geneson (interrupting): I just want to ask you some questions about a neighbor of yours, a Lieutenant Aram Mathies Deliasson-"Andy."

Levinson (sitting down): Andy's my friend.

Geneson: Good, then you can tell me what you know about him. Was he ever involved in any kind of wrong-doing? Did you ever get a chance to look around his apartment? I mean, it's right next door, isn't it?

Levinson (squirming): I've never been in his apartment.

Geneson: Oh, yes you have. Now I want you to tell me about it. Please.

Levinson (narrowly looking at him): If you want to court martial me, I'm entitled to a lawyer. If you want to ask me about Andy, I'm not going to answer unless I see him here with me.

Geneson (startled): You know where he is?

Levinson: No.

Geneson (relaxing): Well, let's not talk about Andy yet. Let's talk about you. First, let's start with housing. Isn't it true that you're living in building #424?

Levinson: That is correct, sir.

Geneson: Isn't it true that that is officer's quarters only, and that you should be living in enlisted quarters?

Levinson: Well, sir, you see the Base was short on quarters for enlisted men and-

Geneson: Answer the question.

Levinson (swallowing): Yes sir, I'm living in officers' territory.

Geneson: You are aware that officer's quarters cost the government more money since they take up more space than enlisted quarters.

Levinson (trying to appear disinterested): Is that so?

Geneson (pulling out a pocket calculator): Let me see. I'll do a rough calculation. I have the correct, to the penny calculation somewhere in my case, but let's try this (he makes a big show of punching buttons). The Government has to pay out an extra $125 per month, and you've been living there for nine months, so the government has lost $1125 on you.

Levinson (nervous): Is that so, sir?

Geneson (leaning forward): You know, we could demand it back. When they overpay someone for offbase housing, there's a reckoning. When they overpay social security, there's a reckoning. When they overpay,...

Colonel (uneasily): Mr. Geneson, Levinson was assigned that housing because of a shortage of enlisted quarters. It's not his fault that-

Geneson (waving his hand to silence the Colonel): Always a reckoning.

Levinson: What do you want, sir, the money? It's gonna be Damned hard.

Geneson (smiling): Oh no, I CAN forget about that if you're just nice enough to talk to me about your friend. Now you were saying about "Andy"?

Levinson (swallowing): Well, I only came in there once. (He starts to walk across the stage. The curtain rises and we see a fairly typical apartment with a bookshelf, bed, and radio). It was pretty typical stuff, except that he did have this weird map of the stars with names on them.

Colonel: Names?

Levinson: People's names, like..

Geneson (interrupting): Why were you in the room?

Levinson: He left in a real hurry, and the door was wide open, so I just thought I'd shut it.

Geneson: And yet you entered?

Levinson: I couldn't help it. I was curious. I'd never seen anyone, other than him, enter that room. I mean everyone get visitors, except Andy.

(The conversation is interrupted by Andy's entrance across the room and statement.)

Andy: What are you doing in my room, Tom!

Levinson (startled): Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. I saw you leave the door open, and I couldn't resist a peek.

Andy: Well, you're here, you might as well sit down, and I'll get you a beer.

Levinson (as Andy returns): Damn you read some heavy stuff: Karl Marx, Mao Tse Dung, A HISTORY OF CHINA, THE PLASTIC TOMORROW.

Andy: Yeah, I like to kill a lot of time (he hands the beer to Levinson), and what do yo read?

Levinson: And do you read all those books with the funny writing?

Andy: You mean the Chinese? Yeah, my mother was half Chinese. My grandfather was killed by the Communists. You want to hear some James Brown?

Levinson: You don't got any Hank Williams.

Andy: 'Fraid it's soul or nothing.

Levinson: I can give it a try. (In the background, we hear "Cold Sweat," and Andy starts to lip synche. After a minute, Levinson rises and follows his lead. When he gets to the edge of the scene, however, he returns to the table, and the curtain lowers).

Colonel: No visitors, ever?

Levinson: He was the nice kind of guy, but he was always like "bottled up."

Geneson: So just his doing the James Brown left the impression on you?

Levinson: That's it.

Geneson: Not good enough. Not good enough by far. Oh boy (he puts his hand up to his ear), I hear that Government collection agency coming..

Levinson: But that's it!

Geneson: They can start by garnishing the pay.

Levinson (standing up): I didn't SEE anything else!

Geneson (returning to his papers): I'm sure you can live without a few luxuries like a car, your stereo (starts singing in a phony country voice): "Your cheatin' heart.."

Levinson (slamming his hands on the table, looking at Geneson): Alright, you bastard, it's the books.

Colonel: What about them.

Levinson: I studied Chinese when I was in Hong Kong, and those books weren't Chinese.

Colonel: Korean?

Levinson: Dammit, they were Vietnamese. A couple were poetry, and the rest were propaganda. But I can't see why he'd lie to me.

Geneson: Sure, he'd lied you. Just like you lied to me right now. You said, he was your "friend"?

Levinson (slamming his fists on the table): Take the goddamn money, but I hope Andy kills you when he catches you.

Geneson (not hostile): Then you think he's capable of that, then? Thank-you.

Colonel (watching Levinson walk out as the girl walks in with the coffee): Geneson, you actually enjoyed that.

Geneson (taking a swig of the drink and starting to choke after a second speaks to the girl): I don't want my coffee hot. I want ICED coffee.

Colonel (wiping his brow): How did you know that he'd talk?

Geneson: One thing I've learned: given the right circumstances, anyone will be betray anyone.


Scene: The scene is the same as before, but the lights could be lowered to give the effect of it being the evening.

Colonel: It's been four hours. It's eight o' clock. Can't we call it a night? There are still people waiting out in the outer office.

Geneson (reluctantly): You can let them go.

Colonel (to the phone): Rita, you can tell all those people that they are dismissed.

Rita voice: Your wife, sir?

Genesen (knitting his forehead): Ahm, oh yeah. Tell her...

Rita's voice (as though she's heard this many times): "That you're sorry you missed supper again, and that you'll be home at..."

Colonel (to Geneson): Aren't we done yet?

Geneson: No, I need your company.

Colonel (to phone): Rita, tell her I'm tied up with work again.

Geneson (yawning): We're going to do a little bar hopping. The only thing is we're only going to hop to one bar.

(The two men walk across the stage from the side room to a bar scene. There are ten or so drinkers acting quite enthusiastic about their cocktails. The Colonel and Geneson walk towards the bar.)

Mrs. Johnson (smiling): Why, Colonel, it's good to see you here again tonight. Who's your friend?

Geneson: Mr. Geneson, I'm a civilian.

Mrs. Johnson: Well, what will you have?

Geneson: I want a martini, double dose of poison, an Osaka dry, and an iced coffee.

Colonel (aghast): That's pretty serious stuff. I wouldn't have figured...

Geneson: Well, if it's too serious, don't drink it. The alcohol's for you. I never drink when I'm working.

Mrs. Johnson: Here are your drinks.

Colonel (frowning): How do you know what I drink?

Geneson (patting his attache case): Intelligence. (He reaches his hand out to touch Mrs. Johnson's.) You know, you've got a funny white spot here, just like you should be wearing some kind of ring.

Mrs. Johnson: If it's any of your business, I'm married, but not wearing my ring helps with the tips sometimes.

Geneson (taking a sip of the coffee): This is bad, you know, it's bad (he looks around the room), and I want some more lights. It's too dark.

Mrs. Johnson: If you want another drink okay, but the lights stay.

Geneson: No (making motions), I just want a lot more light.

Mrs. Johnson (hurrying away): I'm getting the manager!

Geneson (looking at the Colonel, smiles): Perfect.

Colonel: Does the CIA, or whoever, specially train guys like you? Is that all "Applied Cruelty 101"?

Geneson: Not in the rule book for officer training, is? Well, watch.

Mr. Ames: Is there some kind of problem here, Colonel?

Geneson: Yes, there is. Yozakai Kurochi told me that I could have a good time here, and, so far, I've haven't had a good time.

Mr. Ames (swallowing as the Colonel takes a generous swing of his drink): You'll have to say that name again, slowly.

Geneson: Yozakai Kurochi. Oh, you know him, short, barrel-chested, has a face that looks like someone tried to kill him only he knifed the other guy first, wears expensive clothes, but looks cheap. The Colonel knows him.

Colonel (cautiously): I've only HEARD of him, but that's enough.

Mr. Ames: I-I don't know him.

Geneson: Ohhh, when I tell him you said that, he's not going to be happy.

Mr. Ames (hurriedly): Okay, so he does come in here every once in a while-as a serviceman's guest.

Geneson (taking another sip): See? Your memory's improving. I've got a tough one for you (he holds up a picture): You remember this face?

Mr. Ames: I-I can't say that I do.

Geneson: But you can't say that you don't, can you? I wonder if the barmaids remember him. I'll bet they do.

Mr. Ames (to the Colonel): What is this? Is this guy a drug smuggler or gangster or what?

Colonel: Let's just say he has some heavy connections. With any luck, you'll never have to see him after tonight. Just talk to him and humor him.

Geneson: That's right. You just (mocking the Colonel somewhat) stick with the program, the rules and procedures, and the problems disappear. Now, we're going to put two and two together. Did you ever see my friend, Yozakai Kurochi, and my friend, "Andy," together?

Mr. Ames: They came in here one time. Not together. (As he says this, Ames, Geneson, and the Colonel move off to the side of the set). The guy in the picture was really plastered when Yozakai got here.

Andy (looking through his pockets): Not another cent.

Mr. Ames: I think you should go home, sir.

Andy (drunkely): "Go home"? "Go home"?

Thomas Wolfe said, "You can't go home again."

Yozakai Kurochi (sipping on a drink): I'll buy the American another drink.

Andy: You? You're a damned bully boy. I won't take a drink from you.

Yozakai: You spend the whole day building your war machines, and you call me a "bully boy"?

Andy: Scum.

Yozakai: Look at yourself? The reason you Americans travel so much is you've let your country fall aprt. Now you're falling apart. Pretty soon there won't be anything left for the Japanese to buy.

Andy: If I were Japanese, I'd join the Reds and wipe out all the industrial lords and the big bosses like you, too. Give the ordinary person a shot at running things.

Yozakai: If you were a Japanese, I might be afraid. But it you were Japanese, I'd be an American, and I'd be in your Mafia, and I'd still be wearing a nice clean suit, and you'd be out begging for a job, just like your "Reds."

Andy (collapsing in the chair and taking the drink): You're not so tough.

Yozakai (smiling): And you're not so weak (Andy starts to collapse at the bar, and the yazuka helps him to his feet. The two leave together. As they leave, Geneson and the Colonel re-enter the scene and resume positions with Mr. Ames).

Geneson (taking a shot of iced coffee): That's kind of touching, isn't it. The guilty leaving the scene together, arm in arm, and you (he points to Ames), just watching them go.

Ames (snearing at both but looking at the Colonel): What was I supposed to do, Colonel? I mean, I just work here. If a man wants to associate with those kind of guys, I mean. Uh, (sweating nervously, turns to the Colonel again) what was I supposed to do!

Colonel (swallowing): I don't know.

Geneson: Well, I'll tell you what to do. Get me another iced coffee.

Mr. Ames: 'Till it flows from your veins.


Scene: The two men are in the office again. The Colonel looks rumpled and frazzled. Several empty glasses sit on the table. Geneson looks much the same as before.

Colonel: When are you going to tell me what this man did or you suspect? I don't see the logic of this yet. You suggest Communists connections, and then you show me Japanese Mafia.

Geneson: The connection is weakness.

Colonel: I don't see how he could've done anything wrong. Sure he seems secretive, and defensive, but not a bad guy.

Geneson (shaking his head): You don't know what people are capable of. Rita (to phone), send in our "friend."

Rita's voice: He may be your friend...

Yozakai (straightening his tie. He's dressed expensively. He bows to the Colonel who does not respond. He makes no move to sit down): I don't have to talk here.

Geneson: Say, that's great. Take a seat.

Yozakai (sitting down): What do you want?

Geneson (producing the picture): Do you know this man?

Yozakai (not looking): You know, you Americans, you all look alike.

Geneson (to the Colonel): What incredible wit. You see, to get a good Japanese education, you don't need to go to high school.

Yozakai (sneering): Get on with it.

Geneson (leaning forward): In a way, I envy you. With you, it's all business: buy and sell and no complications. You'd sell anything, wouldn't you?

Yozakia: So would you. So what! Besides, there are a few things that I will not sell.

Geneson (chuckling): Oh really? What are those?

Yozakai: Drugs.

Geneson (laughing aloud): Alcohol is not a drug? Gambling is not a drug? And then there are those three house full of rental women, and love is the most potent drug of all! Don't take me for a fool. Tell me about selling information.

Yozakai: Military information? Why (laughing) sell that? You Americans are the best friends we Japanese have. We save a fortune keeping you joes here. Besides, who would I sell information to?

Geneson: Just about anyone.

Yozakai: You can play all the games you want with your Americans, Mr. Suit, but you can't play with me. Sure, I come on base. I like your G.I.s. They come to my places, rent my women, borrow my money. So what? That's fair business. Same as Japanese soldiers would do. If I really wanted to sell information, it would not be about your "war machines," but about your soldiers. A good story always sells better than a good gun.

Colonel (looking bothered): What are you talking about?

Yozakai (smiling): You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about-nothing.

Geneson (pointing to the picture): What did you sell to him?

Yozakai (shrugging): I took this man to my place, one night. He paid me back, with interest, just like any other G.I.

(The curtain opens to reveal a sybartic interior, like a cheap version of an Oriental movie. The Yazuka is still holding up Andy.)

Yuki Ome (looking as Yozaki dumps the American): Amerikanji?

Yozakai: Tarawa? (As he sees her, he disappears.)

Andy (starting to look around): Where am I?

Tarawa: You are in Kyoto New Gardens.

Andy: How did I get here?

Yuki (starting to bathe his head): Boss, pick you up.

Andy (holding his head): Oh, it's not even the next morning. I've got to do something about this hangover before it happens.

Tarawa (handing him a glass): Drink this.

Andy: Oh (drinking), hm. That helps a little.

Tarawa: You want mesage.

Andy (cautiously): I can't see how that would hurt. (To Tarawa as she starts messaging him): How'd a nice girl like you end up working in a scummy place like this?

Tarawa: Pay better than in bar. I go to college, maybe, next year.

Yozakai (emerging in a long, expensive robe): Is our "guest" all taken care of?

Tarawa: He no sound happy.

Andy (sitting up): These are two beautiful girls.

Yozakia (frowning): You can't afford them, soldier. These girls need a major or colonel to pay for them.

Andy (rubbing his head): Well, I tell you, I'm never gonna drink again. You don't know where you might turn up.

Tarawa: Where you from?

Andy (looking cautious): Well, let's just say I've been around. I could say I was from anywhere in my country, and I'd be telling close to the truth.

Tarawa: Why no go home?

Andy (holding his head): This is my home, much as anywhere. Yazuka, how much is this going to cost me?

Yozakai (frowing): You insult me, call me cheap, tell me off, put down my profession. I will not accept your money.

Andy: I'm sorry. Really am, but (he thinks), maybe I'm not. Damn I'm confused. Nothing's working out right.

Yozakai: Nothing ever does.

(The curtain falls and Yozakai walks back to his seat at the table).

Colonel: What did you give him for the headache?

Yozakia: I gave him-

Geneson: That's irrelevent. In fact, your whole scenario sounds so "pleasant," so "friendly."

Yozakia (getting up): That's all there is, Colonel, and I will say that your friend at least was a man, and not a suit like this one. You (to Geneson) look like the kind of man who'd send his government after me or some of my businesses. Let me warn you, Mr. Suit, that as far as you can go, (he reaches out his hand), so can my hand reach out and SMASH you (he hits the table).

Geneson (mocking): See how I'm shaking. Go on. Leave.

Yozakai: Watch what you say!

Genson (chuckling): This from a man who's entire life is a kind of bargain basement sale? Get lost. (The Yazuka stomps out.)

Colonel: You must be crazy insulting a man like that.

Geneson (taking a deep swig): No, I'd be crazy not to insult a man like that. Besides, I have nothing to fear: Barking dogs never bite.

Colonel: Do you think he told the truth.

Geneson: I doubt he knows the truth.


Scene: By now, the table is covered with torn and worn papers along with glasses and a plate or two. It looks as though the men have lived there for eight hours. The Colonel is now wearing only his t-shirt. Geneson looks as before.

Colonel (sounding eight hours tired): So I think I finally see what you're after. Andy sold information about our Mission to the Yazuka who sold it to the Enemy. No wonder (he gets up and starts to dress) they're scared in Washington.

Geneson (holding his hands up): I didn't say that. You said it. It's best not to say all you know or think. Don't give the truth 'till they rip it out of your heart.

Colonel (standing up): What I don't understand is where you get all this information. How can you know all these people to talk to?

Geneson: Let's call it "priveleged information."

Colonel (looking at his watch): It's four 'o' clock, and you said you had to leave then, right? Well, my driver should be here, in a minute, to pick us and take you to the plane.

Rita's voice: Colonel, your wife is here to drive you to the plane.

Colonel: My wife? I didn't ask you to-

Geneson: Your wife? Very good. Send her in.

Colonel: Wait, what do you-

Sandra Adamson (walking in): Are you too ready to go? I got Rita's call a few minutes ago.

Colonel (getting up quickly): But I didn't tell her to...

Geneson: Please sit down. Relax. I have a few questions to ask you.

Colonel (moving towards Sandra): Oh no, you don't. I've seen the way you treated the others. You've gotten all the truth (he grasps his wife's hand) you'll need.

Geneson (smiling): But have YOU gotten all the truth?

Sandra (confused): What is this?

Colonel (to Sandra): Come on, let's go. He can call a cab.

Geneson (leaping to his feet): Oh, my God, I forgot all about the hospital. Somebody has to go down and identify the body.

Sandra (uneasily): Body? What body?

Geneson: Somebody should recognize that big white scar in the middle of the back.

Sandra (more uneasily): Scar?

Colonel (hastily): Don't believe a word he's-

Geneson (with relish): Yep, shaped about like a diamond-or a star.

Sandra: Oh, my God, Andy.

Colonel (releasing her hand): Andy? Andy!

Sandra: What happened to him?

Geneson (walking over pats her shoulder): Oh, I'm so sorry that you've lost him. It's okay.

Colonel (distancing himself from his wife): Wait! Sandra, what do you know about this "Andy"?

Geneson (mocking the Colonel): You unfeeling brute. How can you ignore her obvious pain.

Colonel (throwing a long punch that knocks Geneson to the floor): Sandra, talk to me.

Sandra (sitting up): There's not so much to tell.

Colonel (angrily): Then tell me all of it.

Sandra (walking towards the curtain): Well, it all started at that officers' party at our house, seven months ago.

(The curtain draws to show couples dancing. The Colonel is dancing with an unidentified woman. Several others are congregating near the punch bowl. Lieutenant Deliasson is standing by himself, looking rather lonely. The Colonel's wife finally gathers the courage to say something to him.)

Sandra: Hello, I'm Sandra Adamson. I've seen you on the Base before. What's your name.

Andy: My name is Lieutenant Aram Mathies Deliasson.

Sandra: That doesn't exactly trip off the tongue. Don't you have something a little shorter.

Andy: No Ma'm.

Sandra: They never called you "Andy"?

Andy (smiling): "Andy"? I like that. It has a sweet sound, something that only a beautiful woman would think of.

Sandra (blushing slightly): Thank-you. What do you do for the Air Force?

Andy: I can't talk about it. Let's just say that it has to do with gathering and using information.

Sandra: Okay. Where are from?

Andy (holding up fingers): Well, about five states and seven or eight countries.

Sandra: That's interesting. Which one is home?

Andy: Which one do you think I should come from?

Sandra: Give me some choices.

Andy (hesitating): I'd better not.

Sandra: Are you always this "open" with people?

Andy: For me, this is talking up a storm. That's why (he indicates his drink), I don't usually drink. This music's getting to me. You want to step outside for a minute.

Sandra (warily): I don't usally step outside with strange men. And my husband-

Andy (shaking his head): -won't notice.

(Sandra and Andy walk off the stage. The house lights on stage dim, and there's a pattern of stars overhead. A soft light plays on the two.)

Sandra: It's dead out here tonight. Not a star in the sky.

Andy: There's lots of stars. It's just they're hiding behind those clouds. You have to look carefully, sometimes, to see things. You know, I bet there's a star up there for everyone in the world.

Sandra: What's the name of your star?

Andy: I don't know. How 'bout my naming it, "Sandra"?

Sandra (chuckling): You better be careful. You only get one star to name. My husband's star might be named after me.

Andy: I've studied him a bit. If he has a star, it's almost certainly named "The Colonel."

Sandra: Well, I've got to get back inside.

Andy: No, you don't. No one will ever notice, you or me. There's nothing more important at this moment than you and me and the stars.

Colonel (from stage right): Sandra.

Sandra: It's been so long since anyone said anything like that to me.

Andy: Someone ignoring you would almost be evil.

Colonel: Sandra!

Sandra: There's more to you than secrets.

Andy: There's far more to anyone than most people suspect. As for secrets, there can be only secret between us (they turn slowly and kiss).

Colonel (screaming and jumping): SANDRA!!

Sandra (runs back across to stage left): I didn't do anything but talk, I swear it. All we ever did was...

Geneson (rubbing his chin): "Swear not by the moon, for the moon is fickle. Swear by the stars." Juliet said that.

Sandra: You, you (she starts towards Geneson), you know where Andy is...

Geneson (cynically jovial): I admit it. I stole the line from Shakespeare. Juliet was, after all, only his puppet. Now (he gets up), it's time for me to leave. I have a plane to catch. Work, you know.

Colonel (lowering his head into his hands): Oh God. Sandra, we have to talk. Listen to me.

Sandra: Andy talked to me like I was a human, like I was important. He was human, and YOU (she approaches Geneson), I think you killed him. I could kill YOU.

Geneson (sighing): No, (conclusively) no you couldn't. Now can we all just get in the car and go. Maybe I should call that cab.

Colonel (swallowing): Sandara, please, Sandra.

Sandra (looking up suddenly as though she's figured something out): Who are you? Why are you doing this! This is as bad as mur-

Geneson (yawning): Obviously, you two have a lot to talk about. Talk all you want on the way back from the plane. I'm done talking for the day. (He looks at the Colonel) I've done THE JOB, again, or I will be finished in a second, and Colonel, like I said before, I'm leaving YOU to take care of the matter. Rita (he sighs into the phone) can I get one more ICED COFFEE for the road.

Colonel (looking up): Wait a second. "Iced coffee"? Isn't that what some Japanese use a hangover remedy?

Geneson (taking off his glasses): How should I know? I'm not Japanese. I've only been here on one other assignment.

Sandra (looking frightened): And Andy, Andy..Andy, isn't dead, is he? Is he?

Colonel: He said "I could be from anywhere. I've been many places." Oh, the liar!

Sandra: Oh God, please help me (as she says that the Colonel slowly moves next to her), I don't want to see.

Colonel: "Anyone can betray anyone." "He's guilty. He's guilty." "You've sold love, the most powerful drug of all."

Sandra (looking off into nothingness): Gerald, where are you? The stars. The stars.

Colonel: Sandra (they suddenly hug and hold one another as if in mutual terror)!

` Sandra (her voice dying): Andy...

Geneson (sipping slowly from the glass and wiping his forehead): I've heard enough about this "Andy." Yeah, you could say he's dead. He's certainly guilty enough to be dead. Human? Perhaps. But I'm done talking about him. I want to finish my iced coffee, I want to get on that plane (getting more emotional with each phrase), and I want a new assignment! After all (long pause), there's a war going on.


XIV. THE RAPMAN'S RETURN (or Return of the Dread I)


Rapman: #1 crimefighter and poet

Chairman Chunk: head of the People's Republic of Wimpistan

Won Dum Fool: the guard at the prison

Commandant Clunk: jailor of the Rapman

Cardman: an important assistance to translating Wimpistani

Dr. Mindbender: a noted psychological expert

Dr. Whack: Dr. Mindbender's helpful asistance

Announcer: the voice of sanity in a crazy, mixed-up world

Presley Elvis: ahunk, ahunk of burned out love

Chief Gorftin: the always reasonable regular policeman

Commisioner: the city's chief crime fighter

Ernie Shiftless: a Western wastrel with a truck problem

Modonut: a rather portly sex symbol

Son of Rapman: a seedling from a tree of justice

Man in the Audience: a spectator with a problem

Rockin': a voice of hippie wisdom

Scene One

Scene: It is a rather dismal looking room with just two chairs and men in dull grey uniforms. They sit studying piles of files at a table.

Announcer: The sun had sunk peacefully into the west. Understanding, like a blanket, descended upon Gotham City with the warmth of night. (Suddenly stops). Alright, alright, it's yet another stressful day in Gotham City, but Rapman is far away in the Prison of No Escape in the city of Onemall, in the southern part of the northern southeastern country of the People's Republic of Wimpistan.

Won Dum Fool(stupidly): aha huyoa wako wako wotombi. (As he speaks, Cardman comes out with a stack of cards. He picks up a card and shows is to the audience saying "Why do we have to keep this prisoner?")

Commandant Clunk: O hyo, hyo, silver, don mess e tus with the resitus. (The Cardman holds up a card saying: "You know how it is; the 'Party' always has some long-term goal.")

Won Dum Fool: Hoo so wacko wacko on da backo. (The card says: "Why can't they listen to this fool's lines all day then.")

Commandant Clunk: Oh mayo sigho who Ohio don cryo. (As he says this, the man with the cards fumbles and drops one on the floor. As he stoops to pick it up, the two continue speaking.

Won Dum Fool: No wapo sapo lopi sign upo. (As he says this the man holds up a card saying: "I want to go to the cell and beat on him." Wait, (to Cardman) that's not what my line means. You're one card off.

Cardman (standing up and throwing the cards): Hey? They're not even paying me Union scale here. You can show your own cards (he walks off stage).

Commandant Clunk (points to the Cardman): It's hard to find to find good help these days. Now (he looks back at Won Dum Fool), what were you saying Comrade Won Dum Fool?

Won Dum Fool: I'll be glad when we get rid of this prisoner and those two doctors. (Suddenly both men rise as Chairman Chunk enters the room. He wears a uniform also and a Castro-style beard. Behind him walks a man with a big sign bearing the Chairman's smiling likeness and the words "Chairman Chunk.")

Commandant and Won Dum Fool (clicking their boots twice, bowing twice, and then coughing twice): Hail Chairman Chunk!

Chairman Clunk: (smiling, obviously pleased): Where is the prisoner taken from the lackey imperial pigeonry of Japan?

Won Dom Ful (rising and running off): I'll get him.

Commandant: I'm certainly honored by your visit, your Supreme Social Explicatorness, and I'd be even more more honored to execute this very annoying man.

Chairman Clunk (laughing): That's why, Commandant, you will always remain only a mere jailkeeper and never rise to be Chairman of the Antisocialist Party. Now, have you read my book about thoughts of the West entitled (suddenly pointing like a quizzing teacher): What is the title!

Commandant: Er, eh, (obviously not remembering), your books relate so much to my life that the titles could be the same as my name.

Chairman (beeming snaps his fingers, and a man runs on stage with a copy of a book): This book is entitled Taming the Dogs: Dealing With the Culture of a Decript Western Society or Selling Revolution At a Discout.

Commandant (nodding): It was right on the tip of my tongue!

Chairman: Page 1. "In order to tame the dogs, you must understand their culture and use it against them, like making a dog use its own leg as a dinner bone."

Commandant: Brilliant, Chairman, brilliant. (As he says that, Won Dum Fool brings the prisoner in. It is Rapman in his usual sunglasses and cape with, only with handcuffs around his wrists and an iron collar).

Chairman (pointing): Observe this exhausted remnant of a culture built on old materialistic ideas of right and wrong. Ha!


You've committed lots of crimes, skynapping for a start,
But worse than that you left the Raplane doubleparked.
You think that you can hold me in a rat-infested jail.
Well, I'm gonna escape, and then I'm gonna wail.

Cause I'm Rapman...

Won Dum Fool(putting a gag over Rapman's mouth): It's been like this for three weeks. Please let us execute him, (falling to his knees), please!

Chairman: Oh no. This musical materialistic moron is going to tell us all about the Gotham City Music awards.

Rapman(the gag falls from his mouth):

Well I give my information by Geneva convention.
My name is "Rapman" that goes without mention.
My cereal number's "Product 19," you lousy scum,
And you'd better watch out cause my rank's "number 1!"

Cause I'm Rapman (the Commandant and Won Dum wrestle to put the gag over his mouth).

Chairman: He'll be rapping a different rhyme when we're done with him. (He says to his henchman). Bring in Dr. Mindbender.

Mindbender: (He's wearing a long lab coat as his assistant. Both have white hair and scowling faces. Mindbender is wearing a stethoscope around his neck. He stops and looks at Won Dum Fool): Tell me about your mother.

Chairman: Doctor? (Dr. Whack hits Dr. Mindbender)

Dr. Mindbender. Ya? Ya? Vat do you want? I'm in a hurry. My rats are almost finished.

Commandant (curiously): Are they running a maze?

Dr. Mindbender. No they're recording data. I'm running the maze. (He makes jogging motions until Dr. Whack hits him). Vank-yu, Doctor Wvack.

Chairman: Have you studied the prisoner (he points).

Dr. Mindbender (crossing over to stand next to Rapman, he holds the stethoscope to Rapman's glasses): It is a classic case of conflict in ....

Dr. Mindbender and Whack together (slowly): The Reactive Mind.

Won Dum Ful: What does that mean?

Dr. Mindbender (moving as he explains): Zomewhere deep in hiz id dere iz a message zaying "Pu Pu." Then in his ego there is another message saying "Pa Pa." Finally, in his superego there is another message saying "Ha Ha." So you get "Pu Pu Pa Pa Ha Ha." (He repeats and starts going faster). Poo Poo Paa Pa pa Ha Ha.....(Finally Dr. Whack hits him.) A problem as I said before in his..

Dr. Mindbender and Whack together: reactive mind....

Dr. Mindbender: A classical example of ze Rodipus Complex.

Commandant: You mean the Oedipus Complex.

Dr. Mindbender (to Commandant): Do you often feel the need to correct others? Tell me about your childhood.

Chairman: Will the brainwasher work on him?

Rapman (suddenly struggling free):

You can try to wash my brain, even set it out to dry,
But you can never beat me; I'm gonna tell you why.
My lines are stronger than torture, inspiration to the free,
The end product of a rap and roll democracy.

Cause I'm Rapm.....

Dr. Mindbender (considering): Let me do a scientific study. (He flips an imaginary coin in the air and slaps it). Ya it will work.

(Dr. Whack and Won Dum Ful put Rapman inside the chamber. After the two men are inside the chamber, you hear sounds of coming from both of them. Rap lines mix with karate calls and screams as the cardboard, shower-sized brainwash chamber rocks back and forth).

Chairman: A week from now Rapman will win the award for Best Male Rap Vocalist, and then he'll tell everyone to buy my records. In a month, they'll be ready for my Antisocialist Party! (Behind him, you hear flushing sounds).

Dr. Mindbender's Voice: Jes zinging in za rain, jus zinging in the rain...

Chairman: Men, take out this month's edition of my official party magazine and turn to p. 15 (They take out magazines with the title of Redbook.) Let's do those "Running Dog Capitalistic Blues!" (The henchmen bow ceremoniously).

Won Dum:
American horns are always honking,
Everyone wants the biggest piece,
People talk so loud and rudely,

Chairman Chunk:
What you needs a secret police.

The skirts are rising, falling,
Western clothes don't cover forms,
You all need some way of matching

Chairman Chunk:

What's you need are uniforms.

Chunk and henchmen:

Hey, hey,
It's time for you to choose.
Go to the record store,
Buy Chairman Chunk's Indoctrination Blues.

Dr. Mindbender (emerging from the chamber with Rapman on a leash): aaaaah that felt good. Towel? (Dr. Whack hands him a towel).

Commandant: Was the brainwash a success?

Won Dum Ful (to Rapman): Speak, boy, speak!


Well I got a little message that's stronger than beer,
I want to tell you all the Revolution is here.
If you wanna invest, well you gotta pay your dues,
Go to the record store,
Buy Chairman Chunk's Indoctrination Blues.

Chairman Chunk(continuing) Yes, first they buy the records. Then they buy our revolution. One more time!

Won Dum:

People have to choose their mouthwash,
Pick their soap out for themselves,
You can eliminate the tension-


Put only one brand on the shelves.


Western music's all gone crazy,
With rap, new wave, and funk.
Just listen to this song now,


Indoctrinate yourself with Chairman Chunk.

All, (including Rapman, locking arms):

Hey, hey,
It's time for you to choose.
Go to the record store,
Buy Chairman Chunk Indoctrinates the Blues.

Scene Two:

Announcer: Meanwhile, back in Gotham City, crime and crimefighting went on more or less as usual. Chief Gorftin and the Commisioner were standing backstage at the Gotham City annual music awards.

Chief: I do hope Rapman will be back from Japan for tonight's show.

Commisioner: Are you sure he's going to win Best Male Rap Vocalist.

Both (pausing): No-doubt-about it!

Chief (pointing): Rockin'! What happened?

Rockin'(pushing a chair with the Rapmobile sign on stage): Huh Huh. Ran out of gas dudes. Shoulda stopped for burritos.(He falls down, exhausted, into the chair).

Son of Rapman (entering the stage with handcuffs around the arms of a guy dressed in a cowboy suit with hat):

Cause I'm Rapman's child and I'm on prowl,
To find the find the criminals and to make them crawl,
I'll make the big city a nice-to-live-in place.
And keep the cockroaches out of everyone's face.

Commisioner: He's captured Ernie Shiftless.

Chief (to Ernie): What have you got to say for yourself!

Ernie Shiftless:

I've tried so hard to stay within the law,
I can explain the things I've done,
When I've got my sixgun in my hand,
It's not just there for having fun:

My life's troubles driven me to crime,
I've got a find a way to change my luck.
I'll take the risk for money every time,
'Cause I need to fix my pick-up truck.

Chief: Ha! A likely story.

Commisioner (to Son of Rapman): How did you (he slaps his hand over his face as though afraid of the answer):

Son of Rapman:

Well I wrestled him down like a steer on the run,
I hogtied him, and I took away his gun.
After the show you can nail this lame cowpoke,
So he doesn't truck around and rob other folk.

Cause I'm Rapman's child......

Chief (interrupting): Hey, the show is about to begin. I want to see it.

Everybody not on stage: Shsssssss.

Chief: There she is. She's so sexy. There she is....

Chief and Commisioner: Madonut!

Madonut (comes in from off stage. She's short and fat):

Sing Along With Madonut!

Going out-
Everybody's eating eating dinner.
You want a piece for yourself
Then you're-
Walking through the supermarket
You want to scarf up the shelf.

Makes no difference if you're fat or thin.
You can eat until your big as a boat.
Open up your mouth and shovel it in,
Slide that junk food-
Right down your throat.

Come on bloat,
Come on an eat like a pigman,
Stuff till you're bigman.

Chief: Wow (He faints)!

Rockin' (looking her over): Mama Cass? Mama Caserole.

Commisioner (pointing offstage): Who are those guys in the uniforms?

Chief(shrugging): A New Wave group?

Rapman (entering from the other stage with the Chairman, and other henchmen all dressed in uniform, but wearing sunglasses.):

'Cause I'm Rapman, and I'm here today....

Son of Rapman:

'Cause I'm Rapman's child. (everone on stage starts talking all at once).

Voice From Offstage: Will you all shut up? I'm trying to hear who won Best Male Rape Vocalist.

Scene Three

Announcer: Thank-you folks. Let's hear it one more time for The Old Edition with their hit single: "Puberty Comes Twice." (Claps). Now folks, I want to have you clap again for our sponsor, the Foundation for the Musically Retarded (he claps). Now, our next presentor needs no introduction, but I have to give one anyway. The inventor of Rockasilly, the worst guitar player in the world, and sex symbol the world over: Presley Elvis.

Presley (wearing a tight jumpsuit and long sideburns, strides over to the microphone): Thank you, man, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you.

Don't talk about living,
Don't tell me "be humble".
'Cause I'm in love with me,
So that's why I mumble.

Ahum, bumba, ahuma,

Announcer (hitting Presley): Hey you're supposed to be announcing the next award.

Presley (shaking his head): Thank-you, man, Thank-you Thank-you, Thank-you.(He holds up the card). It says 'Rent-A-Wreck.'

Announcer (stage whisper): That's the wrong card.

Presley (lifts his sunglasses): Oh. Thank-you man, Thank-you, Thank-you Thank-you. The nominees for Best Male Rape Vocalist.

Announcer(angrily): That's Rap Vocalist!

Presley: are MT Hammer, the Plastic Poet, Melvin Malicious, and Rapman. The winner is----(Looks out into the audience): No, baby, you shouldn't take that off in here. No way...

Announcer (grabbing the card): The winner is Rapman!

Audience and all backstage personnel: Ya! (As they're saying this, Rapman comes on stage, accompanied by Son of Rapman and all the backstage good guys who stand on his right, and the bad guys, who stand on his left.)

Presley (bowing): Thank-you folks you're very kind.

Rapman (grabs the mike. For a moment there's total silence on the stage, and he glances from the good guys to the bad. Then he slowly starts.) Pa-Pa-Pa.

Well the streets are always dirty.
(He pauses) Pa. Pa.
The crimes rate's always rising...
(He pauses) Pa. Pa. Pum Pum

(Shakes his head several times. Then he takes his sunglasses off and looks at the audience.)

They make it hard, oh yeah....

(Then he starts shaking and does a little dance.)

Well I'm here to tell you something that you all should know,
These Antisocialistic bluesmen tried to ruin your show.
They tried to brutalize me so I'd perpetuate their scheme,
But you can't brainwash a mind that raps itself clean.

Cause I'm Rapman.

Chairmen (to his troops): Nobody badraps Chairmen Chunk! (There's a big fight scene as everyone starts fighting. Chunk's men do karate calls as the good guys do "Pow" and "Poof." Finally, all fall to the floor except Rapman, Son of Rapman, the Chairman, and Dr. Mindbender.

Dr. Mindbender (looking Rockin' over slowly): I'd have to say that all this results from a deep seated anxiety complex rooted in a childish urge...

Rockin' (to the audience): Heavy duty man!

Dr. Mindbender: Now do you often fantasize about your sister?

Rockin:' Pow!

Chairman (raising his hands towards Rapman): I warn you. I have three black belts, a brown belt, and a pair of black suspenders.

Man From the Audience: Hold it! Hold it (everybody on stage freezes in position). I've had enough of this. I mean this is unbelievable. I've a good mind to just end the show right here. Do you (he points to Rapman) really expect me to think you guys are so musical? I don't believe that. You know what? You're not so tough either (he makes two regular speed movements that send Rapman and the Chairman to the ground). You know what I say to you (he looks at Rapman): Your mom.

Chief: Oh no, you better not say that.

Man from the Audience: Oh yeah? Your mom (still to Rapman).

Rockin' (warning): Bad vibes...

Man from the Audience: So what? Who's gonna do anything. Your mom.

The Cast: You'd better not say it!

Man from the Audience (yelling): YOUR MOMMA!

Rapman's Mom (entering the stage. She's a little old lady dressed in grey with a bag in one hand and a cane in the other):

Well you better watch out about what you say.
Or I'll teach you manners in my old fashioned way.
You respect your elders and mind your situation,
When you talk of the hero of the elder generation.

(She turns and swings her purse): POWWW! (The Man From the Audience falls to the ground. The good guys get up and each put imaginary cuffs on the backs of the bad guys.)

'Cause I'm Rapman's Mom, and I'm tough as you all,
I got a purse full of iron, and a flask of Geritol.
I'll put you young criminals off on the run,
(She hooks her arm around Rapman's shoulder)
So you better not pick on my dear wittle son.

Rapman: A lesson can be learned

Rockin': from the drama we've staged,

Son of Rapman: That's right isn't wrong,

Rapman's mom: And that justice doesn't age.

Commisioner: So try to do what's true;

Chief: Don't let evil be your path.

Rapman: Or we'll rap on your head,

Rapman's Mom: And we'll have the last laugh.

Cast: 'Cause we're Rapmen and we're here today....

(The curtain lowers.)


Cast of Characters

Walter J. Lippinhead, your typical high schooler

Arnold Shellman, the class jerk

Jerry Womperman, the shyest boy in the ninth grade

Mr. Harold Limpus, their history teacher

Mrs. Martha Limpus, Limpus' lovely wife

Sandra Locked, the teacher's assistant

Lena Phone, a girl who says "it doesn't matter."

Unga Booga, chief of Urippies

Koolonga Boogie, his wife

Sooly Loofy, the chief's daughter

Hunka Bona, close to what the name implies

Warto Sumpti, a brave Urippi warrior

And the rest of the Urippi team


Scene: The stage is covered with sand (or very beige paper). Two or three cardboard palms sit on the edge and there are a few rocks (pillows) scattered around.

(Enter the five classmates. They are dressed more or less as they will be for the entire play. Mr. Limpus is wearing a dark suit, somewhat shabby, and a purple tie. Mrs. Limpus is wearing the remants of a dress. "Wally" and "Harold" are wearing shorts and shirts. Jerry is wearing a nice set of clothes like you'd wear to school. Sandra Locked is dressed conservatively while Lena is dresed in black with lots of makeup, provocative in a depressing sort of way).

Wally (sitting down on a rock): Boy, am I tired.

Arnie (sitting down next to him): You're tired. I had to help Sandra swim for almost an hour. It was like dating a whale.

Wally (pointing): Shhhh. Like I said before, she does the grading program for Limpus. If you make up nice to her, maybe you can pass the class. Turn on your letterman charm.

Arnie (standing up): Arnie, will you turn on the switches up there in your brain (he touches Arnie's head); we're in the middle of nowhere. Who knows if we'll ever make it through alive back to civilization? Who cares about the stupid world civilization grade.

Wally: Well, if we do get back to civilization, I want to go to State. With my other grades, in this class I'll need at least a -

Jerry (entering on stage): What were you saying?

Arnie: Nothing.(Jerry shrugs and pulls out a book to read.)

Mr. Limpus (entering from the opposite side of the stage): Well, you finally made it up the hill, boys. Good. Now if you could just go back and help the girls...

Wally: I'd be glad to Mr. Limpus, but I've got a little question here for you. Will we be getting extra credit for doing all this extra work?

Mr. Limpus (laughing): Ha! Ha! Such a sense of humor. Right, Martha.

Mrs. Limpus (weakly): Yes dear.

Mr. Limpus: Now Jerry and Arnie, you can go help the girls. Wally, I'd like you to....

Wally: I think my talents would be best used assisting my friend, Arnold.

Mr. Limpus: Well, okay. Mrs. Limpus and Jerry can go with me.

Mrs. Limpus (weakly): Yes, dear.

(Jerry and Limpuses leave.)

Arnie (standing up): I'm gonna kill that guy, I swear it. 'Arnold, please why didn't you do your homework.' 'Arnold, please come to detention today.' 'Arnold you're failing my class.' (shaking his fist) One of these days, POW, and straight to the Moon.

Wally: You take this stuff too personally, Arnie.

Arnie: Well what does that jerk expect? Does he think I'm really going to do my homework? Study for all those idiotic tests? I've got better things to do.

Wally: Like what?

Arnie (shrugging): Driving around. Football practice. Seeing things. Goin' to your house. Doin' things.

Wally: Well unless you get your grades up, you're parents aren't going let you do much of anything. You have to pass-

Arnie: You're starting to sound just like my mother.

Sandra's voice offstage: Ahhhh!

Wally (looking offstage): They're just about to fall off the hill.

Arnie (wearily): Come on. Let's go save them. (They exit.)

(From left stage enter Sooly Loofy. She is wearing the close equivalent of a grass skirt and brazier. Her hair is unkempt, but she wears a flower in it. She holds a pointed spear in her hand)

Sooly Loofy: Owaso Pokohomo Nasemwami jerk-jerk-jerk.

(There's a commotion offstage and she ducks behind the biggest rock. Enter Sandra, Lena, Wally, and Arnie, the boys helping the girls.)

Wally: I thought with women's lib we wouldn't have to help the girls.

Lena (looking downward): There's a run in my nylons. Does anybody have any white-out?

Sandra (answering Arnie): I'm sorry I never learned how to swim, Arnold. When I was a little girl, I almost drowned in the bath tub, so I have a fear of running water.

(As they are talking, Sooly Loofy cautiously rises. As the scene goes on, she starts to pantomime the characters.)

Arnie: It's alright. When I was five the same thing happened, but... Oh never mind, Sandra. It's that guy Limpy that bugs me. He tells me that the only chance I have to pass this stupid class is by taking the extra credit trip, and then he crashes the plane!

Lena: Oh no. My make-up. It's all run together (holding up her compact). If I leave it smeared like this, I'll look like some kind of green savage.

Sandra (to Arnie): You mustn't blame Mr. Limpus. Nobody's radar could pick that up that sort of thing. In fact, this whole island isn't supposed to be here.

Lena (standing up suddenly and Sooly jumps behind the rock): Does anybody know where the bathroom is? (They all raise their hands and point to the nearest bush). Just askin.'

Arnie (to Sandra): Well, MS Social Science, maybe you can at least tell us where we are?

Snadra (Mr. Limpus enters from the left stage with Jerry and wife in his wake): You mean (shocked) you didn't do any of the preliminary reading Mr. Limpus assigned us...

Mr. Limpus (in a teacherly fashion): She doesn't have to tell you where we are. You've all used the atlas before. Plus this is June, and you should've noted the position of the sun overhead. Students, where are we then?

Wally (grabbing Arnie who's starting to rise with his hands clenched): My guess would be Borneo.

Mr. Limpus: Not even close.

Jerry: Indonesia.

Mr. Limpus: Wrong again.

Lena (yawning): Kansas? (They all just look at her.)

Mr. Limpus: No we're actually in a slice of the South Atlantic a bit above the Antarctic Circle. Now, according to every book I've read, this island should not be here. My guess, then, is that it isn't very large. Now the first thing we have to do is build some kind of water storage system.

Arnie (sighing in resignation): Humor me. Why?

Mr. Limpus: Arnold, you did not raise your hand so I will not answer your question (Arnold wrings his hands in frustration). Now as to shelter, there seem to be a few trees here to chop, but we'll have to take care of something else first. Girls? Martha is going to take you off to an area to build a latrine. Boys, we'll go find a spot also.

Mrs. Limpus: Right dear (the two groups exit in opposite directions).

Sooly (emerging from behind the rock): Uppa Uppa Uppa cheap, cheap, cheap.

(The curtain falls.)


Scene: This is the same as the previous scene except now there's a primitive wooden hut erected. A small wooden fire is in the center of the circle, and the children and adults sit around roasting something over the fire.

Arnie: I've heard of roasting marshmellows, but roasting tree bark just isn't the same.

Mr. Limpus: Now, Arnold, you know that the bark of wanawompa tree is high in pulp quality, and this is a near relative.

Lena (combing her hair with a fish bone): Mr. Limpus, does this mean we won't be going to class next week.

Mr. Limpus: Likely not for several months, Lena, until they find us. That will give all of you time to write about your experiences.

Sandra: This is sort of like Robinson Crusoe.

Arnie: More like Gilligan's Island.

Wally: Then, we'll end up with our previous grades for the class?

Mr. Limpus: Oh no. While we're here, I want all of you students to study. We're gonna use some of this bark to make maps. This will be very educational.

Arnie: Wouldn't you know it. Some people are stranded with beautiful women. I'm marooned with Professor Kingsfield.

Wally (covering his stomach): This is bark? You mean, we weren't supposed to eat this! (He retches.)

Lena: Only three boys to date (she yawns). That'll get boring very fast.

(There's a sudden commotion, and five Urippe warriors arrive on stage. These seize the children and hold them.)

Sandra (screaming): Savages! Rapers!

Lena (not scared): More like rappers.

Mr. Limpus: You primitive hunter and gatherer, scoundrels! Release the children. (He raises his fists.)

Urippe warriors (pointing): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Mr. Limpus (lowering his hands): Well, I'm tough still. Now you'd better...

Sooly Loofy: Ko ko bobo Ha Ha. (She pantomimes out the landing of the airplane, doing something for the plane.)

Warriors: Hohohoho!

Mr. Limpus: It's not my fault. Anybody can hit a PTERADACTL!

Urippe warriors (pointing): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Lena (yawning): At least they have a sense of humor.

Urippe Warriors (in a line, dancing together):

Ureyka ca down tow
Ureyka ca down tow
Ureyka ca down tow
Comme na na
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ureyka ca down tow
Ureyka ca down tow
Ureyka ca down tow
Comme na na
Ha! Ha! Ha!


Mr. Limpus: Let my people go! (Pause) Oh no, now I'm quoting old movies.

Mrs. Limpus (moving forward and throwing off her hat): You know, Charlie, that song is kind of catchy.

The Tribe:

Oye Oye Cap ecino wa
Oye Oye Cap ecino wa

Mr. Limpus (to Lena): Martha, what are you...

Mrs. Limpus (adusting her clothes so that they look a lot looser): Yeah, I like this. Give it to me one more time (She kicks off her shoes). I'll bet I good learn those steps.

The Tribe:

Oye Oye Cap ecino wa
Oye Oye Cap ecino wa

Mr. Limpus (jumping forward to try to stop Martha who is now dancing with them): Martha, get a grip on yourself. Martha! (he trips and falls forward so that his head collides with one of the rocks.)

Sooly Loofy (calling): Unna matta soppa woppa! (The music stops.)

Unga Booga (answering): Oye coma va en ritmo.

The Tribe (as they release their hands): Huh!

Martha (shaking her head): Wait a second. What was I...

Sandra (bending over the teacher): Are you alright, Mr. Limpus. Are you okay?

Martha (at her husband's side): How do you feel?

Mr. Limpus (rising): I feel. I feel. I feel good. (ala James Brown). You know I knew that I would.

Unga Booga (pointing and commanding): Oh to wame wap wap pud dop pop.

Wally: That must be the chief.

Koolonga Boogie (grasping Unga by the ear and pointing him away towards offstage): Snap Craco Pop Pop!

Arnie: That must be his wife.

The Tribe (as they walk off stage using their spears like oars):

Oway Oway
Vico Hershinko Hop

Oway Oway
Vico Hershinko Hop.

Martha (looking up from her husband): That music. It makes me feel so mad (she starts to stand up).

Sandra: Mrs. Limpus, what are you...

Martha: Wait (she calls to the retreating warriors), wait for me.

Sandra: Mr. Limpus, quick, say something. Your wife is running away!

Mr. Limply: If you leave me now, (ala Chicago) you take away the biggest part of me. Wooo, Baby, please don't go.

The children: Yeach!

Lena: If he's gonna sing like that to keep her, he might be better off without her.

Wally: What are we gonna do? Mr. Limpus is obviously out of his senses, Mrs. Limpus has run off with some primitive cannibals, and all that there's left is a bunch of us irresponsible teenagers.

Sandra: It could be worse.

The other children: How!

Mr. Limpus (standing up): Fly me to the moon (ala Sinatra). Come on and fill my life with stars.

Lena (covering her ears): That is worse.

Mr. Limpus: Tell me about life up there on Jupiter and Mars....

(The curtain falls.)


Sandra: Come on, you guys. You've been sitting here for an hour, moping. It's time we get organized and do something.

Lena: Yeah, like let's do lunch or something. (They all look at her.) Go out for munchies? (They stare.) Just some suggestions.

Arnie: Like what do you want to do: invite the savages to have us for dinner?

Sandra: You're jumping to conclusions. If you'd read your textbook, you'd realize that genunine instances of cannibalism are extremely race although in places like New Guineau people actually did do headhunting.

Lena: You mean those savages might be just trying to get ahead?

Arnie (mocking Sandra): According to my calculations, this is not one of those prescribed areas.

Sandra: I can't help it if you're such an uneducated idiot, you don't know anything about anything!

Arnie: I'm sure you've learned so much studying, is it the textbook or Mr. Limpus?

Lena (removing the earphones from her ears): Study? What is that?

Sandra: Oh, Arnold, you make me so very angry.

Arnie (in a girl's voice): Oh, Sandra, you make me so very angry.

Wally: Please, you two. Let's try to cooperate. I'd like to graduate some day and not on this beech. Now, what were you going to suggest?

Sandra (calming): Let's pick a leader, and then SHE can decide who's going to do what.

Arnie: You mean, HE can decide.

Sandra (laughing): Surely, you're not going to suggest an uneducated moron, like yourself. That tree over there knows more than you.

Arnie (standing up): We're not in a situation that requires thought. We're here in wild wilderness. What we need are weapons and leader with (he flexes) strength.

Mr. Limpus (entering ala the Village People): Macho-Macho Man. I wanna be a Macho Man....

Lena (pushing him off stage): Chill out, dude.

Wally: Let's cut the argument short here. Let's just take a vote.

Arnie (counting on his fingers, smiles): That's sounds good to me. All in favor of...

Wally (shaking his head): No, let's do a secret ballot.

Arnie (shrugging): Fine with me.

Wally: Here, everybody take two stones, one white and one black. The black will be for Arnie..

Sandra: How appropriate.

Wally: And the white will be for Sandra...

Arnie: Like a sandy beech, always available to lie on...

(They all take their stones, including Lena, Sandra, Wally, Jerry, and Arnie. Unbeknownest to the others, Jerry secretly tosses his two stones over his shoulder. The audience sees this but not the other children. Meanwhile, we see Arnie whispering something in Lena's ear. She hits him playfully, but it's obvious they've made some kind of deal.)

Wally: Now, I'd like the stones back (each child stuffs them into Wally's palm). Wait a second: somebody didn't vote.

Sandra: I guess that person didn't want to feel INTIMIDATED (she looks at Arnie) into voting for the wrong person and was afraid to vote for the right person.

Jerry (quietly): In America, most people don't vote because they don't see it will make a difference.

Sandra (looking at him, nodding): Yes, that's true.

Arnie (impatiently): Well, who won, Wally?

Wally: That's just it, Arnie, we have a tie.

Arnie (angrily): That's impossible. Let's do it again!

Wally (shrugging): Okay.

(They quickly pick up two stones and thrust them into Wally's hands. Again Jerry tosses away his stones.)

Wally: I'm afraid that didn't help. It's still a tie.

I have an idea. Why don't you two draw a stone from me, and the winner will be the leader.

Sandra (shaking her head): I hate to tell you Wally, but I...

Wally: You should (knowingly) trust me.

Arnie (bewildered): What's that supposed to mean?

Wally: Okay, I have one last idea. Everyone, will take one stone from out of this bag (holds up his bag), and both Arnie and Sandra can advise the winner. Is that agreeable?

Sandra: As long as that person will listen to reason.

Arnie: That person had better listen to me.

(Each of the five thrusts his hand into the bag. Sandra has to get Lena's attention by shoving her. Finally, each shows his marble in turn and shakes his head.)

Arnie: Not me.

Sandra: Bad luck.

Lena (relieved): Thank Heavenly Metal it's not me.

Wally: Oh well. (They all slowly turn to face Jerry.)

Jerry (gulping): I'm afraid it's me.

Arnie (moving closer): Good, then don't you want us to go gather some sticks and start making some spears...

Jerry: Um...

Sandra (standing up): No, you don't. You want us all to go gather some edible plants so we can eat some dinner.

Jerry: Ummm...

Arnie (impatiently): Come on. Make up your mind.

Sandra: Yes, Gerald.

Jerry: Um....Um...

Arnie (getting up): Come on, Wally. We're going.

Wally: Right.

Sandra (taking away Lena's walkman and holding it out in front of her like a leash): Come on, girl, come on...edible plants.

Lena: No, not Edible Plants. I already heard them.

Sandra: Come on. Before it rains.

Mr. Limpus: It's a hard (ala Dylan), it's a hard. It's a hard, it's a hard. It's a hard rain that's gonna fall....

(he exits also.)

Jerry (his arms flail worthlessly in several directions): Wait, um..Aw what's the use. (He picks up the book and starts reading it again.) Why did I bother? (Sooly Loofy emerges from behind the tree and starts silently stalking him.) I should've just voted for Arnold. I mean, he's gonna get his way no matter what because he's bigger than me. Sandra's gonna get her way because she's louder than me. Maybe I should just give up.

Sooly Loofy (emerging from the bush): Ooko shymo tassa wompa.

Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure. You're gonna tell me what to do, too.

Sooly Loofy (turning her head quizzically at Jerry's conversation): Waya waya yompa top?

Jerry: You know, I have no idea what you're saying, but I understand the meaning. You're saying "loser, loser, loser," and you're right. Last man picked for baseball, the kid without a date every Friday night of his life, only person ever cut from the school choir for singing bad.

Sooly Loofy (picking up the discarded book): Wella soyo bean nuptio (she tears out a page).

Jerry (alarmed): Wait, that's THE PLASTIC TOMORROW the greatest science fiction book ever written availabe from Laramie, Witney, and Barnie for $4*. (He grabs her two hands and suddenly he stops.) You know, this is the first time I've ever held hands with a girl.

Sooly Loofy (puts his hands around her waist): Saya kashima sinowapa.

Jerry (startled): Wait, um, (he lets go of her), you're the Chief's daughter. I don't know what kind of funky laws your old man has, but I don't want to end up hanging by the coconuts. This is confusing. (He picks up the torn page and gives it to her.) Here. You can have that.

Sooly Loofy (smiling): Kinda simpa winnhaola?

Jerry: I'm afraid I don't think so. (He watches as she shoves the paper into her mouth.) Wait, you don't....

Sooly Loofy (rubbing her stomach in obvious pleasure): Ut ut ut!

Jerry: I've never seen anyone react to Mr. Fruit's writing in quite that manner before. (He bends over) Here, you can have the whole book, but I warn you it's not all in good taste.

Sooly Loofy (doing a little dance): Uyechowama! Uyechowamai! Uyechowamu!

Jerry (shaking his head): If only Jenny Watson had said that when I aked her out for a date...

Sooly Loofy (bowing slightly takes the necklace from around her neck): Uyechowamat?

Jerry: No really, I couldn't.

Sooly Loofy (laughingly puts it around his neck): Uyechowamu. (She hugs him so hard it startles him).

Jerry: On the other hand, if I see any naked shellfish running around I could...(she scampers playfully away.) Wait, uh.

Sooly Loofy (turning): Yo poro yo.

Jerry: Poor is the word. Confused also comes to mind. You are cute, but I'm afraid I don't fit your style....

Mr. Limpus (re-emerging on stage):

You've either got or you haven't got style.*
If you've got it you stand out a mile.
A flower's not a flower if it's wilted.
A hat's not a hat 'till it's tilted.

Sooly Loofy (suddenly arrested in her tracks starts to follow Mr. Limpus' steps and then starts to echo his lines.)

You've either got or you haven't got class.
When you got it you stand out from the masses.
When hit the floor with your sharp style of dance,
You can hear those girls crying "romance."

Jerry (shrugging): There they are: Frank Sinatra and Dorothy Lamour and me, without Hope (he shrugs), but if you can't beat them.

All three (forming a line):

You've either got or you haven't got style.
If you've got it you stand out a mile.
When you wear those duds with the black tie and studs,
You can pass any mirror and smile.

Limpus: Cause you've either got or you haven't got.

Sooly: Got or you haven't got..

Jerry: Got or you haven't got...

All three: Style........

(The curtain falls.)

*This commerical may be omitted only if everyone in the audience and cast visibly owns a copy of this masterpiece.

SCENE FOUR: Somewhere Down on the Beech

Sandra (dragging Lena by the arm): Come on.

Lena (slowly): Lay off, will you.

Wally (emerging with Arnie both are wearing headbands

and have stripped to the waste.): There are the girls.

Arnie: So what.

Sandra (mocking them): Oh my, my. It's the savages.

Arnie (mocking Sandra): Honey, I hope the stove's hot. I'm about to kill some dinner. (He raises his spear.)

Sandra (shoving Lena back): We'd better move out of the way. Children shouldn't play with darts.

Arnie (snarling): Watch this. (He tosses the spear at the tree, but it falls apart halfway across the stage).

Lena (looks at the spear): Ha. Ha! Ha!

Wally: I think, Arnie....

Arnie (shaking his head): I don't understand it.

Sandra: Of course you don't, you dolt. You have to get GREEN wood, and then fire-harden the tip. If you're gonna play Tarzan, you gotta at least read the book.

Arnie (turning his head quizzically): But it felt plenty hard and strong?

Sandra (grabbing his arm): Come on, He-man. Sheera's gonna show you how to make one. (They disappear off stage.

Lena, released from Sandra's captivity, sits down on the log and puts the earplugs back in her ear and visibly tunes out the rest of the world.)

Wally (sitting down next to her, tossing his spear over his shoulder): I guess I don't need that. What are you listening to, anyway (he pries one earphone out and puts it over his head).

Lena (for the first time genuinely interested in what's going on around her): Hey, what are you doing!

Wally (his eyes open and his head shakes as he listens to the music): What is that!

Lena: Give to me, Walter. Give it to me!

Wally (holding it away): What is that?

Lena: Ned and the Necrophiliacs.

Wally (still holding it back): The song?

Lena: How should I know? They all sound the same. Maybe it's "Fatal Zone of Love." Now give it back.

Wally: Okay.

Lena (putting it back over her ears): Thank-you.

Wally: You know, those batteries are going to run out if you keep playing it all the time like this.

Lena (suddenly alarmed, turns off the player and thrusts it into the coat of her jacket): You're right. How

am I ever gonna stand it?

Wally: I don't know. If you tried to help us, a little, we might get out of here sooner.

Lena (shrugging): What difference does it make, anyway.

Wally (surprized): What are you talking about? Don't you want to go home?

Lena: Not really.

Wally: You want to stay here?

Lena: Not really.

Wally: You want to go somewhere else?

Lena: Not really. It doesn't matter. Now, will you stop asking all these stupid questions? You're crowding my mood.

Wally (standing up): Thank-you for being so kind. I think I'd better go find Arnie...

Lena (yawning): That'd be pretty stupid, but go ahead.

Wally: What's with you, anyway? You're like this in school all the time too. (in a childish girl's voice): "It

doesn't matter. So what. I don't care. Where's my comb?" Why don't you wake up and be nice sometimes.

Lena (laughing): Nice like you? Not even voting for your best friend.

Wally (angrily): What are you talking about! Of course I voted for Arnie.

Lena: Oh. Right. Jerry didn't vote because he wanted to be the leader, but he was too shy. Sandra and Arnie voted for themselves or each other. That means either you voted for Sandra or I did, and I didn't.

Wally: You voted for Arnie? Why would you do that?

Lena (putting on a little lipstick): Why do you think?

Wally: I have no idea.

Lena: It's gonna be damn boring around here if we don't have anything to do at nights other than roast paper.

Wally (standing up at looking at her quizzically): You would do that?

Lena (combing her hair): It doesn't matter anyway, though, Sandra and Arnie are gonna end up together in the end.

Wally (incredulously): Sandra and Arnie!

Lena (humming for a few seconds): Drawn together like fire and water.

Wally: You know, I shouldn't have said anything to you. You really are out of touch. You can't even see how much they hate each other?

Lena: A pair of show-offs, Arnie trying to show her how tough he is, Sandra trying to show how smart she is. I wouldn't be surprized if they're not married before we leave here with three kids, two cars, a trilevel condominium, and pure-bred Irish setter, just like my folks.

Wally: That's crazy, and so are you.

Lena: I guess I can have some fun in the meantime, though, but even Arnie isn't very much fun. None of you people are.

Wally (slowly): You wouldn't do that.

Lena: You don't know what I'd do, and you really don't have anything to say about it. End of conversation (she starts humming loud).

Wally: No wonder you're always in trouble. You don't care about anything or anyone, do you.

Lena: "Zombies on the rampage..."

Wally: You think you can just tune me out, too.

Lena: "Skeletons in the fire..."

Wally: God, I pity your parents.

Lena: "Death on the horizon...."

Wally: But I don't pity you.

Lena (looking at him): "Love is a LIAR!!!!"

(Sandra and Arnie re-emerge with a complete spear. They are still obviously arguing as we hear their voices offstage.)

Arnie (holding the spear): I tell you that the hardest

way to throw this is to just use this (he shows his bicep).

Sandra (rolling up the sleeves of her blouse): Listen to me, RAMBO, it's simple physics. If you could double the length of your arm, you could double the power. All we need is a piece of strong bark, and I'll show you. I'll bet that I can throw that spear, with my atl, twice as hard as you can.

Wally: Arnie, I took physics, too, and I think...

Arnie: Stay out of this, Wally. You got about a "D" in

that class.

Wally: Take my word for it Arnie, if she's even half as strong as you are, with an atl that's as long as the spear, then...

Arnie: Stay out of this, Wally. I doubt that she's half as strong as I am anyway, physics or no...

Sandra: Ho! Ho! Ho! Why don't you put some money on this....

(Jerry emerges from the left side bearing a handful of plants and firewood. The burden is so great he almost falls and begins methodically building a fire.)

Arnie: Wally, I want you to be the judge.

Sandra: I'd much rather have Jerry be the judge.

Lena: What difference does it make? Let's just do it. I wanna see this.

Arnie: Maybe Lena should be the judge.

Jerry (quietly): Um, um, everyone, I don't think that the natives are unfriendly. If we arm ourselves...

Arnie: What are you talking about, Jerry? They came to our camp, armed to the teeth. They hit poor Mr. Limpus over the head and took Mrs. Limpus captive.

Jerry (ignoring Arnie's obvious distractions from the truth): If we arm ourselves (he speaks a little

louder), there's just a bigger chance of a fight.

Sandra (dropping the spear to the ground): You know, I think Jerry's right. We're getting carried away. I mean, all the natives really did was come and sing us a song.

Lena: They need some guitars. Maybe you two (she indicates Sandra and Arnie) could make some of those?

Arnie: Is she kidding?

Wally: Don't pay any attention to her. She's doesn't mean anything at all.

Lena: At least I'm not making any deals.

Sandra: Why don't we put up the spears for now and make some dinner. If we all get a good night's sleep, maybe, in the morning, we can go over to the native's camp and get MS. Limpus back.

Jerry: Mabye, uh, we can do something about making a signal.

Sandra (getting excited): We could burn off an area of the beech so that it could be spotted from the air.

Jerry: Spell something with logs?

Sandra: Right! (She suddenly moves off towards the fire)

Arnie (calling to her): I think you're just too chicken to finish our little bet. Anyway, how are four of us going to sleep in a hut for two...(thinking) Wait, we can alternate watches...

Lena: How about (she smiles), each watch boy and girl?

Wally (swallowing): Good idea.

Jerry: Any objections to Sandra and Arnie, Lena and

Wally, and the last short watch for me?

Lena (yawning): Not what I had in mind. Boring...

Wally: It works for me.

Sandra: Sounds logical.

Jerry: Then, let's eat and sleep. It's been a long day. Let's call a general truce for tonight...

Mr. Limpus (emerging on stage):

I see my love tonight.
Tonight there will be no...
Morning star.....
(The curtain closes.)


Sandra (looking at the fire): Well, Arnie, it's just about time to wake up your buddy.

Arnie: How do you know that?

Sandra: Well, look how much the stars have moved. I mean, it must be almost four hours, and I figure that on this latitude, the night must last about...

Arnie: You always have the answer, don't you? He holds up his watch towards the fire. We should've been off watch an HOUR ago.

Sandra (sighing): I guess you're right.

Arnie: My God, what were those words I heard. I've got to hear that again.

Sandra: Will you keep your voice down? The others are trying to sleep.

Arnie: I feel like shouting it out: "the Straight 'A' honor student has made a mistake." Maybe I'll sing a "hallelujiah."

Sandra: Alright, alright, I was wrong.

Arnie: Boy, I can see why you never have any dates.

Sandra: Just because I'm not a bimbo, you don't think I have any dates?

Arnie: Oh give me a break. You have to have an answer again. Lies, distortions, as long as you have an answer.

Sandra: Distortions? Three syllables. That must be a new record for you. I'd better go wake up the next pair. (She starts to rise, but he grabs her arm.) So now you're gonna "rough me up"?

Arnie: Is this how Mr. Limpus gets your attention. (She slaps him across the face.)

Sandra (icily): How dare you! You can't even understand why I would volunteer to be his aide, can you? Only one thing goes through your dirty little mind.

Arnie (laughing): I'm just kidding you, Sandra.

Sandra (not laughing): Bullying, that's what you're doing. They say every bully is a coward.

Arnie: I'm not a bully.

Sandra: Then LET GO.

Arnie (releases her arm): But look who's running?

Sandra (sitting down): I am NOT running.

Arnie: Well, you explain to me, then, why you are Mr. Limpus' aide? The man is a walking textbook.

Sandra: Mr. Limpus is brilliant and a good teacher, and that's what I want to be. I want to be a teacher, too.

Arnie (laughing): Ho! Ho! Ho!

Sandra: What are you laughing at? You don't know what you want to be, do you!

Arnie (controlling himself): I'm sorry, Sandy, it's just that that's the perfect job for you. You can tell everybody the answers, and they'll have to take them, like medicine. You won't have to be afraid of anybody talking back to you either.

Sandra: Unless I get smart-mouthed coward, like you?

Arnie: If you were a boy, I would smack you so hard...

Sandra: You think just because you're on the football team and baseball team and backwhack team that makes you brave. Sure, I'll admit you're physically brave, but every single day, you chicken out.

Arnie: I don't know what you're talking about.

Sandra: You almost failed history. You take the easiest classes in the school. You'll probably end up with the wimpiest job in the world all because you're afraid.

Arnie (coldly): I may smack you, anyway.

Sandra: You're afraid that if you really tried, people like me would be smarter than you and do better. If you don't try, then you can tell yourself, "I'm really smarter. It's just I don't feel like trying."

Arnie: There you go lying again.

Sandra: Is it a lie? And you go out with women with about as much brains as Lena because they don't THREATEN you. They aren't smart enough. I DARE you to try in school.

Arnie: You think I don't try? Look at you. You go around dressing like a dog, just to keep boys away from you. You're so afraid that if a boy kisses you, it's gonna upset your cosmic balance, unhinge you from your manifest destiny, deprive you of your golden path to self-immolation?

Sandra (confused): I don't understand what you're saying.

(As they are speaking, Wally and Lena emerge behind them.)

Arnie (grabs her): Understand THIS. (They kiss.)

Sandra (dazed, as they seperate): But, um, um.

Arnie (equally dazed): I'm um, um, sorry, uh.

Wally (pretending he hasn't seen): So you two are arguing yet again.

Lena (making no pretenses): A passionate argument.

Sandra and Arnie (as they disappear into the hut): Um..uh, um....

Lena: What'd I tell you? Ice and fire. Sizzle, sizzle, melt. I'd give it two months. Three on this island.

Wally: I don't want to hear about it.

Lena: Makes you nervous, eh, or jealous, b?

Wally: Just shut up and look around for anything.

Lena: So now you don't want to talk? I wonder what will happen to the Limpuses after their little adventure?

Wally: You sound like a bad record.

Lena (giggling): I am a bad record.

Wally: So I hear. What was it thirty-four straight detentions?

Lena: Something like that.

Wally: All assigned by Mr. Limpus?

Lena: Some administrative. Some teachers. Some by Holy Decree.

Wally: You really like being the "Bad Girl," don't you.

Lena: It doesn't matter.

Wally: That's all I hear you say. What doesn't matter? WHAT.

Lena: Nothing matters much.

Wally: Well let's go through the line-up then? Your parents?

Lena: They don't matter much.

Wally: Your boyfriends?

Lena: Scumbags.

Wally: Your music?

Lena: Trash on longplay. No matter.

Wally: Your friends?

Lena (snorting): Losers, addicts, and idiots.

Wally: Your future?

Lena: That definitely doesn't matter. a) drop out, have two kids, raise the brats; b) stay in school, finish, have two kids, raise the brats, c) run away, have two kids, raise the brats.

Wally: This is like talking to The Black Hole.

Lena: Hey, you asked. But I've heard the line before. "Shut up Lena." This world is boring, boring, boring...

Wally: Well, why don't we talk about something else?

Lena: You and I have nothing in common other than that we're both human, and I'm not sure about you.

Wally: And I'm less sure of you. Isn't there anything in the world you like? Anybody you like?

Lena: Let's see: I like black nylons; purple make-up; red hair, my Mom won't let me die mine; leather, I especially like leather; and dogs with long hair and lots of teeth; oh and machines, some anyway, like TVs and VCRs.

Wally: Your perfect world sounds to me like 1984.

(Mr. Limpus' voice offstage ala Bowie): Beware the savage door of 1984. 1984....

Wally (grabbing her in fright): What was that!

Lena: David Bowie.

Wally (sighing): Oh, that was Mr. Limpus. I'm sorry I grabbed you...

Lena: I can't say that I liked it that much. You don't wear any aftershave, do you?

Wally: No.

Lena: You're gonna have to if you want to become a senator.

Wally: I'll take that as a compliment.

Lena (sitting up): You really were scared, weren't you? You really thought the boogie men were out to get you.

Wally: There's a whole tribe out there, armed with spears. Can you imagine what'd be like to have a spear crashing through your chest. SHUUUUP.

Lena (leaning forward and pretending to be scared): Yes, Senator, they're out there, a hundred of them. They're turning on the ovens. They're looking for iron. While we're sitting here they could be sneaking up to us, and (she suddenly whacks him in the back) SHUUUP!

Wally (grabbing his back): AHHHH! (he grabs frantically for the spear before looking at Lena who suddenly bursts out into laughter): You little brat.

Lena (still laughing): Thought they were assasinating you, Senator?

Wally (recovering): You're not even scared at all, are you? You could die at any moment.

Lena: What difference would it make? What difference!

(The lights fade around the campfire and light on Jerry walking around on the edge of the stage.)

Jerry: I wish I could fall asleep like the others. I just feel so damn strange. I actually made the right decisions today, I think, or did I. I'm not sure, but I just feel so excited. I ought to be worried. If I'm wrong about the natives, tomorrow we could all be killed. No one would ever know we were here. Maybe (he sighs), we never were here.

(He looks around) And I know you're out there. You could come up to me and kill me, and I'd never know. What were you saying to me today? We could figure out your language, or you could figure out ours, but there'd have to be points of contact. What do you worship? Trees? Gods? For that matter, what do I worship: VCRs, report cards, and Corvettes.

Are you really pretty, or is just that you're the last girl on Earth. The whole thing is, so, so...strange. Maybe I'm really asleep right now? This is surely the stuff of which dreams are made.

(He rises) But this just couldn't work out. No. We don't just live in different worlds, we live in different times:

When you switch on your lights, you see sunshine.
While I just see an image of light.
You've seen the points of ripe greenwood spears,
But it's with my pencil, I fight.

Oh we, could never be together, ever.
We could never walk the same line.
We can only dream a forever,
For we are just two fragments of time.

You shop every day in your icy green forests,
And me, I do my hunting in malls.
My jungles are bigger than fifty-five stories,
But the stars are the dots on your walls.

Oh we, could never be together, ever.
We could never walk the same line.
We can only dream a forever,
For we are just two fragments of time.

The rain is the tap that you open each morning,
While I touch a knob made of steel.
Dead dragonblood fuels up my four-wheeled-canoe,
And I wonder, at nights, if I'm real.

Oh we, could never be together, ever.
We could never walk the same line.
We can only dream a forever,
For we are just two fragments of time.

Now the sun sets on your village of wood,
I marvel at strange words that you said.
I wonder if you could imagine my world,
Or if I could be a dream in your head.

Oh we, could never be together, ever.
We could never walk the same line.
We can only dream a forever,
For we are just two fragments of time.


Scene: This is a small encampment with trees around the perimeter. Spears are stacked in a pile leaning against one tree and shields similarly placed with little care. There are only four or five primitive huts. To the right there is a small fence that separates the kids from the Urippies.

Jerry (speaking over his shoulder): Well, I was right. They don't even have guards out, and all the spears are stacked. They're not very aggressive. Now, I'm gonna go in and try to bring Mrs. Limpus out. Arnie, I want you and Wally to back me up if there's any trouble. Arnie?

Arnie (who has been staring at Sandra, hastily looks forward): Huh?

Jerry: Sandra, have any ideas?

Sandra (who has been starting covertly at Arnie. She is now dressed more appropriately to their situation, like in shorts and a halter): Huh?

Jerry (shrugging): What is it with you people today?

Unga Booga (emerging from the hut, pointing to the fire and food): Oye yosai.

Koolonga Boogie (as she bonks him with a bone): Noways gonson. (She sits down in a resting position, and the chief starts making a fire.)

Mrs. Limpus' voice (languidly): Oh Harold, I didn't know you could DANCE like that anymore.

Unga Booga (waving his arm, as he sees Mrs. Limpus emerging in full native garb): Owoy kimo sabe?

Mrs. Limpus (shaking her head): Wait a minute, where am I?

Hunka Bona (emerging from the same tent as Mrs. Limpus had a second earlier): Owoy kimo sabe.

Mrs. Limpus (shaking her head): This is all a little confusing (she sees Hunka pointing towards the fire). Oh, no, no. I'm not cooking on MY vacation. You can forget it.

Koolonga Boogie (taking Mrs. Limpus arm): Septamino watche (guides her to a comfortable seat by her side).

Jerry (emerging from the side): Okay, friends, my name is Jerry, and I'm here to take Mrs. Limpus home.

Mrs. Limpus: Jerry, what is going on...

Jerry (still speaking to the natives): Now you may not know this, but Mrs. Limpus is happily married. Now they don't have any kids, but that doesn't mean...

Mrs. Limpus (rising): Jerry, what are you doing..

Jerry (seeing the chief start to rise): In fact, poor Mr. Limpus has gone crazy without her. Now I know you've got some kind of spell going on here, but...

Mrs. Limpus: Jerry, how did I get here. All I can remember from last night is a few images, but WOW (a little overwhelmed) what images.

Unga Booga (motioning to Hunka): Dono siwiyo.

Hunka (rising and crossing his hands over his chest): Wo ho ho!

Jerry: It's good to see you've kept your sense of humor. I'm sure we can laugh about this some day, but right now, Mr. Limpus is in Dire Straits, even if he can't sing them very well.

Hunka (angrily): Soppo woppa wak wak!

Jerry (grabbing Mrs. Limpus' arm): Come on.

Mrs. Limpus (resisting): Jerry, please give me a moment to think.

Mr. Limpus (jumping out the trees ala Aretha Franklin): You'd better think. Think about what you're trying to do to me.

Mrs. Limpus (breaking free from Jerry): What happened to you, Harold? You've acquired soul.

Mr. Limpus (ala Sam and Dave and echoed by the tribesmen): I'm a soul man. I'm a soul man.

Jerry (holding his head): Mr. Limpus, you're confusing the issue here. Can't you just STOP?

Mr. Limpus echoed by the tribesmen (ala Diana Ross): Stop in the name of love before you break my heart. Stop in the name of love before you break my heart.

Jerry (screaming as loud as the stage will allow): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (This causes a dead silence. Without saying anything, the Chief motions for the warriors to get their weapons)

Jerry (in desperation motions, for the warriors NOT to get their weapons):

Lena (suddenly excited): Oh, this is too good to miss.

(She runs on stage and in the total silence sings):

You'd stand out in a crowd of a thousand,
Like a candle in an unopened room.
You'd make a girl's last wish seem a wash,
And her love seem like a doom.

And it's easy to love you,
With your manner so bright I see.
And it's easy to love you,
But it's so hard to love me.

The crowd cheers as you come on the stage,
London's love, Los Angele's sage.
A smile full of goodness and good cheer,
That it could drive a sane girl to rage.

And it's easy to love you,
Your banners fly so light and free.
And it's easy to love you,
But it's so hard to love me.

You're one of those ten wonders of the world,
The kind that drive the poets to verse,
And from your glare that I seemed hurled,
My memory tortured by your curse.

And it's easy to love you,
You roll on like an everlasting sea,
And it's easy to love you,
But it's so hard to love me.

Unga Booga (wiping his hand): Oto! Oto! Oto.

The Tribe (hoisting their spears):

Uwomocka Dum Dum
Uwomocka Dum Dum

Wally (offstage): Come on. Let's help them. (The three of them rush onstage).

Jerry: I don't understand it. I thought they LIKED music.

The Tribe:

Uwomocka Dum Dum
Uwomocka Dum Dum

Sooly Loofy (rushing forth from one of the huts, pleading with her hands): Seenomoy Seenomoy see see.

The tribe:

Hapuka Hapuka!
Kaiy Kaiy! (repeats as they get in formation.)

Jerry (staring): Oh, it's no use. I've failed-again!

Mr. Limpus (ala Carly Simon): It's too late, Baby, yeah it's too late.

Sandra (hitting Arnie): Well, come on, lunkhead. Here's a chance to use those weapons. Kill them.

Wally: Are you ready, Arnie?

Arnie: No (slowly), I'm not.

Sandra: Come on, Arnie (she taunts), you're not going to tell me you're afraid.

Arnie (looking upward): It's not that. It's just...............That's it. That's it. I understand.

Sandra (looking very worried as the tribe raises their spears): Understand what! Throw the spear. Throw the spear! Throw the spear!!

Lena: It really doesn't matter.
(singing) Why don't you just go do it...
Go through it...
Come on along now...
And get to it....

Arnie (to Wally): Shut her up please, now. Jerry, you know "Talk to me like that?"

Jerry: Why not?

Arnie (smiling): Then let's hit it:

Jerry: When we're rolling the highway,

Down that old California Coast,
You don't ask me where we're going,
You say "Hun, just hold me close,"
You don't ask me when we'll be there,
Or just how long we're gonna drive,
'Cause as long as you're beside me,
I feel this ole Chevrolet can fly!

Both: 'Cause you know that I love it
When you talk to me like that.
We're happy just together,
And that's the one essential fact.
I don't need no dictionary,
To tell me about "tact,"
'Cause you know that I love it,
When you talk to me like that.

Arnie: When we're eating at the Burger King,
You don't tell I'm so cheap,
You just look at me through onion rings,
And say "Honey, this is sooo sweet..."
You don't care if I pay the bill,
Or if we split it up in two,
'Cause nothing tastes as great
As when I fill my hours with you.

(Chorus-Tribe sings too.)

Sandra: I don't care how much we argue,
I don't care how much we fight....
As long as we're on the subject,
We both say "Honey, you were right..."
They may say we're strange together,
Just like hot fire and polar ice,
But I'll stay with you forever,
As long as you keep on talkin' nice:

(Chorus-with tribe)

Arnie: You quiz me 'bout my habits,
I feel like I'm on Jeopardy,
But I don't care too much about it,
Long as Friday night you're free.

Sandra: You dress just like you're homeless,
Or a gangster flagging down a ride,
But as long as you speak softly,
I'll play Bonnie to your Clyde.

(Chorus-with tribe)

Arnie: My friends all call you "Spitfire."

Sandra: My friends say you're "Mr. Cool."

Arnie: My mom's say you're a genius,

Sandra: And my dad says you're a fool.

Arnie: My brother say he's dated you,

Sandra: The girls all know your name.

Both: It's hard to find a couple

That's achieved our kind of fame!
(Chorus-with tribe)

Both: The fights we've shared together,
And the troubles we've been through,
They all boil down to trivia,
When I hear my name from you.
I may hear the others criticize,
Saying how I have been trapped,
But the Siren's song I wanna hear,
So Honey, talk to me like that.

(Chorus-with tribe)

(Song ends with a freeze. The tribesmen put down their spears and return to their huts, except for the chief and his daughter.)

Sooly Loofy (hugging Jerry with extreme enthusiasm): Seeno Mano.

Jerry (recoiling, hits Mr. Limpus in the head): Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Limpus, are you okay?

Mr. Limpus (shaking his head): What page were we on?

Sandra (hugging Arnie): Alright, genius, explain it to me. How did you know you could get them to back off?

Arnie: We were all wrong, you see. All along, we kept thinking that these people had a language.

Wally: Maybe somebody hit YOU on the head, Arnie.

Arnie: Sure they make sounds and gestures, like we saw, but in reality there are no patterns except repetition, which doesn't have much to do with what we think of as language, anyway.

Sandra: I still don't understand. Keep going.

Arnie: It's simple. MUSIC is their language. They communicate solely with the notes. That's why you saw them imitating so many of our songs. In some indirect manner, they were interpreting our songs and understanding them and not our speech.

Sandra: That's a B+ level explanation. Why did they react so badly to Lena's song, then?

Arnie: The message, loud and clear, in all her songs was....

(Lena, at that moment suddenly starts to run away from the stage.)

Wally: Lena!

Lena (turns around): It doesn't matter.

Wally: I'm so tired of hearing you say that. You know, you're not such a bad person. Someone could almost love you, except you hate yourself so badly.

Lena (crying): It doesn't matter!

Wally: It might. Do you think you could TRY to make it matter.

Lena (crying on his shoulder): I don't know. I don't know.

Mr. Limpus (looking around dazed): I don't know how we got here. Martha, you are dressed rather audiciously, I might say.

Mrs. Limpus (downcast): Yes, Dear.

Mr. Limpus: But you know, I rather like it.

Mrs. Limpus: You do?

(At that moment there's a sound offstage and a rather bloated-looking woman comes on stage.)

Madonut: What are you all doing here?

Jerry (surprised): Madonut. What are you doing here?

Madonut (to the audience): Maybe this is all just an echo. My agent warned me about that (to Jerry). I'm here trying to lose a few pounds. I figure here, away from all those fast food restaurants, I could get in shape for the next concert season.

Jerry (cautiously): Does anybody know you're here?

Madonut (waving her arm): Neah, no one but my helicopter pilot down on the beach, and he's gonna leave any minute now.

Sandra and Arnie (running together): Wait!

Wally (to Lena): You ready to go face the world.

Lena: I don't know.

Wally: Well, that's better than "it doesn't matter." (they leave.)

Madonut: Well, what are the rest of you still standing here for? Aren't you going to run away, too.

Mr. Limpus: Well, actually I have about a month's worth of sick time saved up. I thought you might be going back to civilization around then.

Madonut (pulling out a walkie-talkie): Could be.

Mr. Limpus: I'd like to study this civilization, maybe write on it. I has some definte points of attractions. I think, I'm gonna start by taking a closer look at the inside of one these primitive huts. Come on, dear.

Mrs. Limpus (smiling): Yes dear! But just one thing?

Mr. Limpus: Anything for you, dear.

Mrs. Limpus: Sinatra?

Mr. Limpus (looking around nervously): Well, I, er, uh,
I get no kick from champagne...(his voice fades as he enters into the hut.)

Jerry (to the chief): Solo solo please go.

Unga Booga (nodding): Huh. (The Urippies disappear, leaving only Jerry and Sooly and Madonut.)

Madonut (looking at the huts): There must be something to eat around here.

Sooly (pulling slowly away and pointing upward): Kah?

Jerry (sighing): Afraid I have an English exam Monday. As for me, I doubt I could gather enough roots and berries. I wish I could tell you why I'm not taking you. They'd eat you up. They might even eat me up, I don't know. But I have to try there, just as you have to try here. Maybe you could be a singer or something, but I don't think you'd make it. Our world has so many more sad songs than you could imagine.

Sooly (sadly): Koh!

Jerry: But I'll always remember you (he turns), and I hope you'll be lucky enough to forget me...

Madonut (emerging from the hut): Nuts and berries. Wouldn't you know it? The only foods I'm allergic to! (She ducks back into a hut. Jerry, ignoring her starts to walk away.)


"'Cause you know that I love it
When you talk to me like that.
We're happy just together,
And that's the one essential fact.
I don't need no dictionary,
To tell me about "tact,"
'Cause you know that I love it,
When you talk to me like that."

Jerry (as he walks away, echoes by Sooly):

Oh we, could never be together, ever.
We could never walk the same line.
We can only dream a forever.
For we are just two fragments of time.

(The curtain falls.)


Basic Cast (in Scene IV, 1992):

Nathanel Winters, 55, a petty government official

Sharon Winters, 55, his wife

Delius Winters, 34, his eldest son

Sheilien Winters, 32, his eldest daughter

Bobby Winters, 30, his second oldest son

Ann Winters, 28, his youngest, the baby of the family

Note: Though the basic cast stays the same throughout the play, the actors must change because each scene portrays them at a different age.

Jonathon Richmond, 34, Sheilein's husband

Scene One: 1975

Note: Delius(17), Sheilein (15), Bobby (13), and Ann (11)

Scene: The living room of the Winters.' The house has a small couch, two chairs, and a television. The television, throughout this scene, is constantly running. People walk in, say their lines, and walk out.

Delius (getting up to turn on the t.v. as Bobby follows attentively): Hey, you've just got to watch this. It's a great movie. I mean Jonathon Gall says to the criminals: "I could find more humanity in a nest of cochroaches."

Sheilein (angrily): How come you guys have to watch that in here. (She holds up her notebook). I'm trying to do my homework.

Delius (bowing): Of course, you have to do that in the living room. It'd never occur to you that people might actually want to "live" in here.

Sheilein: Well if you did YOUR homework at a normal time, instead of keeping your light on all night, Bobby might be getting some better grades.

Delius (turning to Bobby as he adjusts the dial): Bobby, does my studying at night bother you?

Bobby: Um. (considering) No.

Delius: See? What'd I tell you.

Ann (walking into the room): What are you doing? I want to watch "The Crazy Winegroves" on Channel 11.

Delius (to Ann): I'm sorry. It's too late for Sesame Street.

Sheilein (shrugging): Why watch the "Crazy Winegroves" when you can watch the "Crazy Brothers"?

Delius (turning slowly to Sheilein): So you wanna play that way, do you? Do you wanna start with Bobby Simms...

Sheilein (standing up): I'm leaving!

Ann (to Delius): But you always get to choose what we watch? How come I never do?

Delius (shrugging): Well let's take a vote. How many for the movie, (he raises his hand) and how many against it.

Ann (raising her hand and jumping up and down): ME!!!!

Delius (shaking his head): I'm sorry. They don't allow children to vote.

Ann (stomping out of the room): MOTHER!

Delius (as the two boys sit down with their drinks by the television): Now, look at the credits.

Mrs. Winters (entering the room): Are you two boys picking on Ann, again?

Delius (shrugging): Picking? What would we pick her for?

Mrs. Winters (frowning): Why won't you let her watch her television show,

Delius: We had a vote. I wanted to see the movie, and Ann wanted to see that kid's show. And Bobby gave the deciding vote. He voted for... Well, how did you vote?

Bobby (looks around from his mother to his little sister and back to Delius. He swallows): The movie.

Ann (stomping): But they always win. Mom!

Mrs. Winters: Why do you have food in the living room.

Delius (frowning): You mean, this restaurant doesn't have orders to go?

Mrs. Winters (pointing): You go OUT to that kitchen with that plate. (She looks at Bobby) Is your homework done?

Bobby (not with much enthusiasm): Yeah.

Delius (returning): Come on, Bobby, it's about to start.

Ann (crying): Mommy, it's not fair. They always win.

Mrs. Winters: They always vote together. They don't always win. Come on, Sweety, you can watch your show in my bedroom with me.

Ann (cheering up a little): Okay.

(There is a noise offstage as Mr. Winters struggles in through the door. He drops his briefcase and raincoat in a heap near the door.)

Mrs. Winters: You can't just leave all that stuff lying there.

Mr. Winters: Yes, I had a bad day trying to support you all in the luxury to which you've become accustomed.

Mrs. Winter: Very funny, Mr. Rickles. Will you get out of those wet clothes? You got a whole lot of mail today, most of it about Key West, though I keep getting stuff about Montreal (She stands up).

Mr. Winters: Ahhhh Monn-real. Parle vous France.

Sheilein: Dad, that is positively the worst French I've ever heard.

Mr. Winters: Since when have you become an expert?

Sheilein: Dad (exasporated), I've taken four years of French.

Mr. Winters: Er, uh. Yeah, that's right, isn't it. I thought you took German.

Sheilein (sighing): That's Delius that took German. Sometimes it's hard to believe that we're even your kids.

Delius: Personally, I'm sure Sheilein was adopted. I can't believe I share genes that ugly.

Sheilein (gritting her teeth): I can't believe that I share genes that stupid.

Mrs. Winters (re-entering the room and dropping the pile of travel literature on the table so that it covers the table and couch): There you are.

Mr. Winters (looking through it greedily): Yes, here's the fish museum. Here's the aquarium. (He holds them up in turn.)

Bobby (looking interested): When are you going, Dad?

Mr. Winters (laughing): That's just what I was going to tell you. Bobby can you go turn down that televison (Bobby stands up)?

Delius: Wait, this is the best part...

Mr. Winters: That's where I want to go after Christmas: Key West: beeches, alligators, bikinis. Who wants to go with me?

Delius (turning from the t.v.): Where will be staying?

Mr. Winters: Well, I hope we'll sleep in the back of the station wagon and rough it and go cheap.

Delius (waving at this): Well, you can count me out. My back still hurts from Montreal. Why can't we go first class for once?

Sheilein: I have to write a whole term paper for English lit.

Delius (aside to her): To say nothing of Bobby Simms.

Sheilien: Delius! Will you stop talking about people!

Mr. Winters (swallowing, to Mrs. Winters): What about you, Dear?

Mrs. Winters: I can't leave two teenagers in the house, all alone.

Mr. Winters: People do it all the time. It'd give them a chance to learn some responsibility.

Mrs. Winters (obviously making an excuse): Besides, I don't want to go to Florida anyway. You know how that weather effects my sinuses. When I was a little girl, I used to live in Georgia, and even then....

Ann (entering the room): Daddy, where are you going? I want to go.

Mrs. Winters: You're too young.

Ann (ignoring the remark): Where are you going, Daddy?

Mr. Winters: Florida for Christmas. We're going to sleep in the back of the car. We'll see the sun rise over St. Augustine's and alligator wrestling. Well, go to church in the oldest city in North America. We'll-

Mrs. Winters: What are you planning to do about Christmas?

Mr. Winters (waiving this aside): We can open the presents later. We can even take them along in the car and open them out on the beech.

Mrs. Winters: What about your parents and mine?

Mr. Winters (uncomfortably): Um.

Ann: Please, Mommy, I want to go.

Mrs. Winters: I don't want you travelling around with your father like a bunch of bums. What could you do (she turns to Mr. Winters) if she got sick, anyway? You can't very well take her into the boy's bathroom.

Mr. Winters (chuckling): I used to.

Delius: The youngest child to take sex ed.

Mrs. Winters: Ann, you're not going.

Ann (frowning): Alright, Mom.

Mrs. Winters (seeing her pout, crosses to her): You don't want to miss seeing the snow fall on Christmas Eve. You don't want to miss opening all your presents under the tree. You don't want to miss baking Christmas cookies and caroling do you? We can have fun.

Ann (looking happier): You're gonna let ME help bake the cookies?

Mr. Winters (looking visibly deflated): Well, I guess nobody's going.

Bobby: I want to go Dad.

(They all turn to look at Bobby)

Delius (surprized): You do?

Bobby: Why not? It'll be fun, kind of an adventure.

Mr. Winters (obviously pleased): Yeah, this is gonna be fun. We'll see the parrot jungle, eat turtle stakes,

The three females: Eeew.

Mr. Winters: Drive through Daytona Beach.

Delius (suddenly interested): You mean, like, with the stock cars and the beautiful girls (visibly outlining as he talks) in the bikinis?

Sheilein: The closest you'll ever come is seeing a girl serve zuchini.

Mrs. Winters: Well, why don't all the boys, men, go? And the women, can have sort of a vacation at home.

Delius: It's sounding better and better.

Mr. Winters (getting enthused and standing up): Can't you see it. The sun rising above that surf, giving us a tan, waking up close enough to smell the salt water from the beach. It's gonna be an Adventure, something you won't forget. We won't have to wear a parka for weeks...

(The curtain falls.)

Scene Two: 1978

Note: Sheilien (18), Bobby (16), and Ann (14) Delius (20)

Scene: The living room of the Winters.' The house has a small couch, two chairs, and a television. The television, throughout this scene, is constantly running. People walk in, say their lines, and walk out.

Mr. Winters (entering the room where Bobby and Delius are talking): Hey Delius, I didn't know you were back from college.

Delius (yawning): Yep, I brought my dirty laundry just like you told me not to do. Let's see what's on channel four..

Mrs. Winters (entering the living room as she looks at Delius): Are you drinking another cup of coffee?

Delius (to Bobby): It's kind of the college student's companion or curse.

Mr. Winters: Well, I drank a lot when I was your age. Bobby here just had his first cup.

Bobby (blushing): Well, not really.

Mr. Winters: I ordered a cup of coffee in this restaurant in New Brunswick, and then I went to the bathroom. When the lady brought the cup of coffee, she said "Cream and sugar?" and Bobby said, "No Thanks, I'll drink it black."

Delius (laughing): Maybe he's not brain dead, after all?

Mrs. Winters: Why do you have to pick on your brother so much?

Delius (chuckling): Oh, come on. I'm only kidding. You know that, don't you, Bobby?

Bobby (not quite sure): Yes.

Ann: Mom, I got an "A" on my science test.

Mrs. Winters: That's great, Dear.

Delius: What grade are you in, Ann, seventh?

Ann: Mom!

Mrs. Winters: Delius!

Delius: Okay, okay, I know she's in high school, but it's hard for me not to think of her as a little kid or something.

Sheilein (entering from the side with a stack of books pinned to her chest): Delius is home? Didn't he flunk out, yet?

Delius (to his mother): See? I didn't start it. I didn't say one thing about her loose morality, her questionable intelligence, and her...

Mrs. Winters: Delius and Sheilein! Why do you two have to fight all the time? I mean, you take the same classes, you get the same grades. If there wasn't two years between you, I'd say you could be twins.

Sheilein (fake barfing): Twins...uhh.....hugh.....

Mr. Winters: Well, everyone's here? Even Delius. How was college?

Delius (accusingly): Expensive. Very expensive.

Mr. Winters: How are your grades?

Delius: I don't want to talk about them.

Sheilein (flippantly): That bad? (Seeing the look on Delius' face, hastily changing the subject) What is all that junk, Dad?

Mr. Winters: I'm glad you asked me that. Let me show you where I want to go this summer. It's called Gaspe Penninsula.

Mrs. Winters: You mean, like with the French? In Quebec?

Mr. Winters: The same.

Mrs. Winters: They were snotty to us in Montreal. They're liable to be snottier in Quebec. Not for me.

Mr. Winters (shaking his head): Dear, you always think people are like that.

Mrs. Winters: They WERE like that. You just didn't want to notice.

Mr Winters: What about you, Ann?

Ann: Quebec? Isn't that up in Canada.

Mrs. Winters: You're too old to go, Dear. It wouldn't look right for a teenage girl to travel around with a bunch of men.

Ann: But, (she looks around) Well, I've got to go to be a camp counselor this summer, anyway (she walks out).

Mr. Winters: What about you, Sheilein? You do, after all, speak their language.

Sheilein (shrugging her shoulders): If you wanted to go to Paris (she pronounced it correctly), I'd say "enchante." But you're just talking about sleeping in the back of the car, eating cold hamburgers, and seeing a bunch of dusty old museums.

Mr. Winters: And (he looks at his sons)?

Delius: I'm sorry. I've got to work this summer so that I can pay for the college education that my parents DIDN'T pay for-(he turns to to his father accusingly) as you know all too well. How much money are you spending on this little trip of yours?

Mr. Winters (stammering): Look, Delius, you've got your whole life to pay off your debts, but you only got say many chances to see....

Delius (icily): You mean, just like you paid off your debts?

Mr. Winters (more flustered): Tell me you don't remember Miami and the beeches and...

Delius (shaking his head): I don't remember anything.

Mr. Winters: Wait a second. Bobby why don't you go get your pictures from New Brunswick?

Delius (wavering): No, I can't go with you, father. I AM going to go (he stands up) get a beer.

Mrs. Winters (following him): Oh no you're not.

Mr. Winters (slowly turning to face Bobby): Then it's just you and me, kid, again, just like last year. Here (he moves over closely), let me show you where we're going to go..

Bobby (slowly): Father, I can't go.

Mr. Winter (shaken): What do you mean?

Bobby: I've got band camp, and then I've got that church camp.

Mr. Winters: When are they? We can work the schedule around them. From what I here, it's beautiful from June to August, so we can go any....

Bobby: And my friends and I have some things planned.

Mr. Winters (hesitating): Is it Gaspe? We don't have to go there. There's always Maine, New Hampshire, and Vermont.

Bobby: Not this year.

Mr. Winters: That's too bad.

Bobby: You can always go.

Mr. Winters (shaking his head): If no one wants to go, it'd be selfish for me to go. I should really stay home and work. Delius is right. I should be paying for more of your college educations.

Bobby: But I don't want you to...

Mr. Winters (sighing): Yeah, Delius is right. I've been a lot of places lately. I can always take this trip later when one of you wants to go. There's always next year.

Scene Three: 1967

Note: Delius (11), Sheilien (9), Bobby (5), and Ann (3)

Scene: The living room of the Winters.' The house has a small couch, two chairs, and a television. Crickets are cheaping outside. People walk in, say their lines, and walk out.

Mrs. Winters (staggering in): Will you all be quiet. We're going to wake the neighbors again!

Sheilein: Mom, Delius has my Barbie, and he won't give it back.

Delius (holding up the doll): But Barbie is taking the plane home. See (he flies the doll and Sheilein chases, but he holds the doll up so that the doll is just out of her reach).

Sheilein: Mom!

Mrs. Winters: Will you two stop. 2,000 miles of you two arguing and fighting...

Mr. Winters (entering with Ann in his arms): Where do you want me to put Sleeping Beauty?

Mrs. Winters (sighing): Oh, put her in her bed. She can sleep in her clothes tonight. You (she points to Delius and Sheilein), go to bed right now. You know you've got to get up in four hours and go to school.

Sheilein and Delius: Mom!!!

Mrs. Winters: Don't blame me. Your father insisted on taking every last day of vacation that he had. Now just go to bed. I've got to unpack that whole trailor tomorrow (sighing) and clean, (groan) clean, clean.

Mr. Winters: But, Dear, you always complain.

Mrs. Winters: Me? complain? I love to make three meals a day, clean the trailor, keep the kids out of trouble, and keep you from doing anything silly. No, I LOVED this vacation.

Delius (giggling): Remember when Dad backed the trailor into a swamp.

Sheilein: Wait till I tell the kids at show and tell about Dad trying to speak Spanish to that guy in the Mexican restaurant and the guy saying, "Pardon me Miseur, I can't understand Japanese."

Delius: Remember Dad and Bobby falling off the horse.

Sheilein: And you spilling all that salt in your soda and drinking it (giggling).

Delius: Well, you did a few pretty funny things too.

Sheilein (warning): So did you.

Mrs. Winters: By far the silliest thing is you two are still sitting here talking when you could be in bed, resting. Remember that bed with all your warm, cuddly stuffed animals, Sheilein, that you haven't seen in three weeks? (Sheilein gets up and, rushing by, grabs the Barbie from Delius).

Delius: Mom, I don't want to go to bed, yet.

Mrs. Winters (getting up slowly in a slightly threatening manner): Oh, yes you do. (Delius runs out of the room.)

Mr. Winters (sitting down on the couch): After all that coffee, I'm not sure I can fall asleep.

Mrs. Winters (getting up): Well I can. Come on-(she suddenly stops,) Wait a second. Where is Bobby?

Mr. Winters (shrugging): I don't know. I thought Delius woke him up.

Mrs. Winters: Well if he did (she starts to put away a few things and then falls back onto the couch), he didn't come in. Why don't you go get him out of the car?

Mr. Winters (Mr. Winters walks out and returns): Come on, Bobby. We're home.

Bobby (wandering drunkenly): Where are the bears, Daddy? I wanna see the bears.

Mrs. Winters: Not the sleeptalking again.

Bobby: Where are the geysers? I wanna see the geysers.

Mr. Winters: They're right this way (he points towards the bedroom). Don't you see them?

Bobby: I don't see them. It's all black.

Mr. Winters (guiding him): Not it's not. Look, there's a cascading wall of water. It's going, up, up, like a rocket. It's hitting the roof. And there are the bears. They're all clapping. They're going. Huh, Huh, Huh.

Bobby (laughing): Daddy, I see them. I see them.

Mr. Winters: I'm going take you right up next to them. Close enough to give the bears a hug.

Bobby: But they're growling, growling (he raises his hands in fright): Daddy!

Mr. Winters (holding him close): It's okay, Bobby. I'm not going to let 'em hurt you. You're safe with me.

Bobby (whimpering): Daddy.

Mr. Winters (softly, as he guides him towards the bedroom): I'm gonna take you on the long trip home.

Scene Four: 1992

Note: Delius (36), Sheilien (34), Bobby (32), and Ann (30)

Scene: The living room of the Winters.' The house has a small couch, two chairs, and a television. Bobby and Mrs. Winters are sitting in the two chairs silently.

Bobby: They should be here by now.

Mrs. Winters: Don't be so impatient, Bobby.

Bobby: I wish you'd stop calling me that. Everyone calls me "Robert" now.

Mrs. Winters: To me, you'll always be "Bobby."

Bobby: What if Father gets here before they do.

Mrs. Winters: He won't. You know how your father is when he goes to a museum. He has to read every single sign.

Bobby: Yes, but he goes to this place, damn near every month.

Mrs. Winters: I don't complain. Some days, he doesn't go anywhere, he doesn't do anything at all.

Bobby: Has he been to see a doctor?

Mrs. Winters (chuckling): Oh, come on, you know your father better than that, but I don't think there's anything wrong with him physically.

Sheilein (bursting through the door with a man on her arm. She's dressed well. Behind her is a very grown-up looking Ann dressed in a business suit. Delius in worn clothes and looking rather unshaven follows the other three): Look, it's the long lost brother (she hugs him).

Delius: So how are those girls in Tibet?

Bobby: You know where I've been living. Boy, Ann, you have changed. How was your flight?

Ann (dropping her coat on the sofa): It wasn't too bad. I am getting to hate the LAX.

Delius: That's the price of being a rich scientist.

Ann (cautiously): I'm not that rich.

Sheilein (to Bobby): Did you really ride that thing from the East Coast.

Delius: I believe it's called "a motorcycle." You've got to refresh my memory a little, Bobby. What fantasy is it that you're living with that rolling deathmobilie: "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Despair"? (Obviously mocking) "The wind hits in your face as you feel yourself turning into a corner. The sky above as you ride, ride, ride (he makes a gesture), SMACK right into a Greyhound Bus.

Bobby (ignoring the remark): Look, why can't everybody sit down. Father should be here in a few minutes.

Delius: That's not that much of a thrill to me. I see him all too often.

Sheilein: Well, we can't help it if-(her husband elbows her; she sputters): So what's the plan, Mom?

Mrs. Winters: Ask, Bobby. It's his plan.

Bobby: We wait until Father gets to the door and then yell "surprise."

Delius: All too conventional. (To Bobby): This isn't one of your as yet unpublished parodies, is it?

Jonathon (Sheilein's husband): Are you sure it's alright for me to be here?

Delius (acidly): Why not. The more the merrier!

(There's a sound at the door and Mr. Winters fumbles through).

All together: Surprise!!!

Mr. Winters (fumbling): Er, um. Youre (he sits down), all here.

Bobby: Yes, Father (as he's saying this Sheilein leaves the stage and returns), did you think we'd forget you?

Mr. Winters: A man hardly wants anyone to remember his sixtieth birthday.

Sheilein (holding up a cake): Read the description, Father.

Mr. Winters: "To the World Traveller." Maybe (he smiles slightly) this cake is for Bobby or Ann.

Ann: We're just neophytes compared to you, Dad.

Mr. Winters: It must've cost you two a fortune to come all the way back here.

Ann: You don't have to worry about it. We're not children. We have jobs and vacations---(She looks at the others and stops in midsentence)---besides it has been so long since I've been home.

Mrs. Winters (to Bobby): Do you want to tell him?

Bobby: I can, but I'd rather you did it.

Mrs. Winters: Dad, the kids have all arranged their vacation schedules so that we all have a couple of weeks off at the same time. They've got reservations at some campgrounds in northern New York, and rented a trailor, so we can spend about two weeks camping together and seeing the area. We'll take an old-fashioned Winters' family trip.

Mr. Winters (gulping): I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to say (he lapses into silence and staring).

Sheilein (kidding): Just promise you won't insist on driving all the time.

Ann (laugh): Remember the time Dad almost backed the trailor off the cliff.

Delius: How can you remember that? You were only an infant at the time. It's hard to think of you as being anything but a kid.

Ann: I'm not an infant, and I've got a good--

Delius (standing up): Goddamn it. Why don't you say it, any of you. I'll say it for you. "Delius Lost His Job and is Living at Home." There, now go ahead, start with the jokes, the insults, the whole thing. You're not so smart; it could to you tomorrow! (A stunned silence follows)

Delius: Well come on? Can't think of anything? Well if you do, I'll be out working on my car (he stomps out).

Ann (to Sheilein): I'm sorry. I know you warned me.

Sheilein: It's not you. It's not your fault. He worked so hard. I'll talk to him later.

Ann: Well, I can't just stand here and....

Sheilein: Let him cool off a while outside in the snow, and then I'll go talk to him.

Jonathon: Honey, I've got to go home and get the girls.

Sheilein (grabbing his arm gently): Wait, Bobby, I know how hard you worked on planning this trip, and it is your idea, but I want to ask you one more time: why can't Jonathon and the girls come with us?

Bobby (shaking his head): Like I said before, I want the original Winters,' just like when we were kids.

Sheilein (sighing): If you want it like when we were kids, why not have some kids along.

Bobby: The original Winters.

Sheilein (softly): Bobby, I'm not a Winter anymore, am I? I'm a Richmond.

Bobby: To me, you'll always be a Winter.

Sheilien: Mom?

Mrs. Winters: It's Bobby's trip.

Ann: Well, I hate to be a complainer, too, Bobby, but why Upstate New York? I mean, I've been a dozen places that are more scenic. I think, immediately, of Japan, Germany...

Sheilein: Not all of us can afford that.

Ann (shrugging): I'll pick up the tab.

Sheilein: Can you imagine what that would do to Delius?

Bobby: It's not the money, Ann, so much as the flying. I want some place we can drive to. I mean, when you fly somewhere, it's like you've skipped half the trip. Besides, Mom and Dad haven't been to Upstate New York in over thirty years.

Mrs. Winters: Our honeymoon. Your father's first "big vacation." It's a wonder we didn't end up swimming home when that '49 Ford blew its radiator.

Sheilein (interested): You never told us that story.

Mrs. Winters (chucking): I've got a lot of good stories I never told.

Ann: Seems like all our good stories are about catastrophes or near-disasters.

Mrs. Winters: You kids just don't understand yet what makes a memory. It's not how much you spend or how smoothly things go, it's....

Ann (cutting in): Alright, you want to go to Upstate New York, Bobby, I'll come along for the ride.

Bobby: Good, then we're all decided.

Mrs. Winters: Dear, you haven't thanked the children for this trip.

Mr. Winters (looking of into the distance): Thank-you, kids.

Mrs. Winters: Don't you want to say anything else?

Mr. Winters: There's only one thing I want to say: (he pauses): I'm not going.

Bobby, Sheilein, and Ann: WHAT!!!!

Mr. Winters: I said "I'm not going."

Ann: I must be having jetlag. I could swear Father just rejected the trip of a lifetime-all expense paid.

Bobby (to the others): Do you mind if I speak to Father alone?

Sheilein: That'd be fine by me. Ann, why don't you and I and Mom go get some dinner, take a girl's night out.

Mrs. Winters: Delius?

Sheilein: I'm pretty sure he'll accept a free meal. Come on.

(They leave the room and for a second Bobby circles around his father in silence.)

Bobby: Okay. Okay, what is it?

Mr. Winters: What is what?

Bobby: Is it just resentment against me for planning this and not letting you plan it? If that's the case, then fine, I'll give you the brochures and you play the tour guide. Take us anywhere you wanna go. We're ready to go.

Mr. Winters: It's not you, Bobby, or the others. I just don't want to go anywhere.

Bobby: Goddamit Father, do you think I'm stupid? I've got three degrees that say I'm not. You haven't taken a trip outside this city in five years. You haven't taken a real trip, a vacation, in ten years. I know why.

Mr. Winters (not happily): That's good, Bobby. That's nice to know.

Bobby: You sit around here playing "martyr," pretending you're trying to save money to "pay off debts," "college loans," whatever. The real reason you stopped going is you couldn't stand going alone.

(Mr. Winters doesn't answer)

Bobby: Come on, that's it. You look at some stupid statue, a hundred signs in a museum, and if you can't share it, it's all lost, meaningless, and you know it. Worse than that, it's no fun.

Mr. Winters (uncomfortable): Maybe that's so.

Bobby: Of course it's so. You think I don't know that feeling as well as you! Now here we are, all ready to go, and you don't want to go. WHY!

Mr. Winters: I don't know (he stands up slowly) Maybe you've just all changed so much that we can't really share anything but memories. Maybe you're all so much like me that it's like travelling by myself. I don't know. I don't know.

Bobby (angrily): That's not good enough for me. If you can't find a better reason than that, I'm going to make you go, just like you used to make Ann and I go when we were too young to get anything out of it.

Mr. Winters (smiling): You two were never too young.

Bobby: Then you're not too old.

Mr. Winters: One day, about twenty years ago, we were all out west, and you all got the chicken pox. Remember? You all stayed in the trailor, and I went on for the day with the car.

Bobby (offhand): Yeah, I remember.

Mr. Winters: Well I was looking at this exhibit of artifacts, Arapaho Indian, I think. And I started thinking to myself: "Where are the Arapaho Indian today, just a few scattered people on reservations and forgotten bloodlines."

Then I asked myself: "And what of my memory of the Arapaho? Won't it fade the same way? Why read the signs, then. Why learn about them. It's all fades..."

Bobby: Father, it's not what you see or learn, it's the experiences, and the people you see them with. It's the SHARING.

Mr. Winters (sitting down): And some days, now, I get up and ask myself "Why?" And some days, I just lie in bed and don't get up at all. I don't want to go anywhere...

Bobby: Father, there is a whole world.

Mr. Winters: And at the end of all these journeys, all these adventures, where's the endpoint? The same as the beginning: Home.

Bobby: Father!

Mr. Winters: Travel the world and you find yourself back where you started. If I were a wise man, I would've thanked the stars I had a home and a family, but I was never wise. I hope for you all...

Bobby: Father?

Mr. Winters: The longest trip is the shortest distance...

Bobby: Father.

Mr. Winters (shaking his head): I just want to go home. Oh God, I just wanna go home, I wanna go.....

Bobby: Father!

Scene Five: 1959

Note: In this scene, the father and mother are newlyweds. They're in their twenties.

Scene: In the backdrop of the rail scene, there's a picture of Niagara Falls.

Mr. Winters: God, aren't the Falls beautiful.

Mrs. Winters (inching closer): They're white tonight, like a wedding veil.

Mr. Winters: Are you happy?

Mrs. Winters: Happy? How could I be any more happy. I married the man I love in the most beautiful ceremony on Earth or Heaven. What more could I want?

Mr. Winters (smiling): I want a lot more, like money, a house, for me to have a better job. What if I'm just a nothing all my life?

Mrs. Winters: You'll always be something to me.

Mr. Winters (he stands up): You know, I've never been anywhere in the whole world.

Mrs. Winters: Well, except a couple of trips with my parents, neither have I. What does it matter?

Mr. Winters: I don't know, really, but it does. I want to travel the world like a gypsy, see everything, find out what it's like, and reach out and touch it.

Mrs. Winters: And bring it all home?

Mr. Winters: Bring it all home.

Mr. Winters (sitting down and putting his arm around her shoulders): How many kids should we have?

Mrs. Winters (startled): Um, A boy-and a girl?

Mr. Winters (pointing): See those stars. That's how many kids I wish I could have, and we could show them everything, teach them everything.

Mrs. Winters: So you want a whole tribe of gypsies? Well, we'll need an awfully big car, like a station wagon, or you'll have to limit yourself, just a little.

Mr. Winters: Okay, let's stop with a half dozen.

Mrs. Winters (enthusiastic): Wonderful little people.

Mr. Winters: Yes, that's what they'll be.

Mrs. Winters: And we'll share the whole world with them.

Mr. Winters: Yes, We'll share it all.

(The curtain slowly falls.)




Cast: At the Court of King of West Slidonia

The Three Bears: Just don't go swimming with them.

Goldie Rocks: Your typical California rocker

Murray Shlep: Goldie's stage manager

The King: And You thought he was dead

The Black Knight: The bad guy of lore and legend

Frier Luck: An unholy man

The Prince: No, he's not the King's son

Sir Slimeball: An advisor of ill repute

Grovel: a poor, but humble man

Wormsly: the prince's swordfighting partner

Total: a typical accountant with glasses, the whole shot

Wanda the Waitress: Help at Luck's Place


Scene: Your typical medieval castle. The Prince, wearing a crown and a shirt that says "Royal U" is pacing back and forth, reading a book.

Prince (looking up): Lord Slimeball!

Slimeball (bowing several times): Yes, your highestness.

Prince: How many times do I have to tell you that it's "Your Highness," Like "Hi there."

Lord Slimeball: I think Your Majesty out to practice "Hi there," a few more times. You rather sound not like the monarch of West Slidonia, but rather like that of West Hollywood.

Prince: Never mind all that. Now, let's talk Turkey here. I've been sitting in this boring castle now for eighteen years waiting to find a beautiful maiden and have that much promised "Happy Ending." Now it's getting rather boring.

Slimeball: You mean, Your Majesty, your cable TV is no longer working?

Prince: Worse! All I keep getting is ads for these stupid products like "mend a moat," "armor oil..."

Slimeball: Ah, Your Majesty, if only you'd try to embrace the higher forms of art like those that comforted your late father.

Prince: I wish you'd quit calling him "late." It wasn't his fault the Royal Rolls Royce kept breaking all the time.

Slimeball: But still your father was a noble man...

Prince: That's "nobleman," Slimeball. You know what (he holds up a volume) he liked to read?

Slimeball: Comic books?

Prince: Besides that! Plays like this: "Macbeth;" "Hamlet;" all real tear jerkers.

Slimeball: I'd call them more "bloodjerkers."

Prince: Bloody yes, but abominably unhappy. And worst off all, you know what he presented me with on my last birthday? This.

Slimeball (reading the title): WAITING FOR GODOT. I (Shrugs) don't see what's wrong with that.

Prince (tossing the book): I do. In the whole play, the guy never shows up. These two guys just stand at the side of the road, and they keep saying, "We can't leave." "Why not?" "We're waiting for Godot." If there's one thing I hate worse than an unhappy ending, it's no ending at all.

Slimeball: Rest assured, Your Majesty will have a happy ending. Right now, the royal eunuchs, led by your noble father, are scouring the world in search of the perfect maiden. They're searching all the great countries: Uzbekistan, Poland, Chad, Japan.

Prince: Japan? I didn't know they were famous for their women.

Slimeball: You know, these days, the Japanese make everything.

Prince: Alright, alright. Now what about the bad guy for me to kill.

Slimeball: Kill? Surely Your Majesty means to banish.

Prince: I'm not a magician, Slimeball, but I gotta fight somebody. Speaking of that, why don't you call Wormsly.

Slimeball (yawning): Again sir? He's lost 4,543 matches against Your Majesty's blade.

Prince: So? Maybe it's a lucky streak. Wormsly?

Wormsly (groveling): Yes, Your Majesty.

Prince: En garde!

Wormsly (looking under his arms): No, it's actually "Sure."

Prince: No, I didn't say "Right Garde!" I said "En Garde."

Wormsly (taking out his sword): Okay, okay (his arm is shaking), I'm ready.

Prince: Go ahead. Make my day.

(They flourish briefly, and then the Prince strikes swiftly and disarms his servant).

Wormsly (looking up into the point): Have mercy, Sire, have mercy.

Prince: (Calling off stage): That's the cue.

Give me some mercy, And show me a curtsey,
Give a dance, With a three edged blade.
Talk to me gently, Don't try to resent me.

Listen tonight to the message I'm sending,
Don't send me love, I want a happy ending.

(Pause) Prince: It's not rock and roll, but it does have a good beat.


Scene: Out in the forest. Goldi Rocks, wearing spandex pants a yellow shirt and dark sunglasses, is walking along with her agent Murray, who's wearing a power tie and suit. Their accountant, MS Total trails the group. She's wearing all black and dressed conservatively.

Goldie (talks persistently in a high pitched voice): You know, Murray, this has gotta be the stupidest booking you've ever gotten me. Where are we?

Murray: Sweetheart, Goldie Baby, would I steer you wrong?

Goldie: Remember Cleveland.

Murray: You still hold that against me? After all I've done for you.

(There's a howl off in the distance)

Goldie (makes as though to hug Murray, and then they jump into different directions): Total! Total!

Total (looking at the pocket calculator and figuring): 125,000 for the booking minus...

Goldie (angrily): Look!

Total (eyes raising but not alarmed): Bus fees could be high. I'd better add that in.

Goldie (sitting down on a log): Something tells me we're not in Kansas any more, Total.

Murray: Well before you start blaming me, Sweetie, I want you to know that the contract says you're supposed to play in the castle of West Slidonia for a prince--

Goldie and Total together: Purple Rain-Purple Rain...

Murray: No, Sweetheart, not that Prince, A prince Lance.

Goldie: I hate those royalty types. They always want you to bow and kiss their hand. It's hard on lipstick. And they act like they've all ridden on their horses too long.

Murray: Goldie, Baby, when did you ever meet any....

Goldie: Cleveland!

Murray: Oh. Well, look at the romantic aspects of it. You get to sleep in a castle. Look out the window at a moat. See guys dressed up in armor.

Goldie (yawning): Sounds like a Heavy Metal concert. I'm tired (she yawns) from playing last night. Look, see that house over there. I'm gonna see if they'll let my lie down a while. You two, in the meantime, figure out where we're going.

Murray: Whatever you say, Sweetheart. I'm gonna try to read the map here.

Total: I have some figures to do.

(Goldie walks offstage. The two sit on a log and start doing some calculations. As they do that, a man slowly sneaks out on stage. He's wearing a long robe with a rope around his bulging midriff.)

Friar Luck: Good evening, my son.

Murray (standing up): Good evening, Father, baby.

Total (not looking up): This doesn't seem tax deductible.

Murray (aside): Total!

Total (standing up): 1040A!

Friar Luck: Good evening, my, my, daughter?

Total: What is your name, sir.

Friar: I am called Friar Luck.

Murray: Father, we seem rather lost here. Could you tell us where the Castle of West Slidonia is? We've got a gig to do there.

Friar: Go down to the hollow tree that looks like a demon, turn right, follow past until you get to the blinking red light that says "dragon crossing." Make sure it's clear, cross, and then get on Route 13 and take the second exit. You can't miss it.

Murray: Father, Baby, that sounds a bit confusing. Is your monastery nearby?

Friar: Monastery?

Total: You are a friar, correct?

Friar: Yes, I am. I run a castle concession and restaurant. It's called "Frier Luck's."

Total: Then why the brown robe?

Friar: It keeps the grease off my shirts. I do, after all (he struts), have a certain reputation as a dresser and dancer.

Murray: Then why, sir, did you call me "Son"?

Friar (grinning): Because I have been around.

Goldie (emerging from the hut.): Help! Help! (Three men in long robes and growling appear. Any attempt at bear makeup here would be acceptable.)

Friar: It is the Three Bears.

Murray (holding up the map): You mean we're in Chicago?

Bear #1 (growling): Who has been sleeping in my bed!

Bear #2 (growling): Who has been sleeping in my bed!

Goldie (to Murray): You know, this is exactly what they asked me in New York.

Bear #3 (anguished): Why wasn't anybody sleeping in my bed? Am I too hairy? Is this a nose thing?

Friar: Everyone had better flee. These three bears seem very angry.

Goldie (relieved): These are the three bears? Thank goodness. For a minute I thought this was Z.Z. Top.

(Offstage, there's a heroic bugle call and the sound of a horse clop, clop, ca-clop....)

Friar: The Black Knight.

Goldie: Wow. I'm into black. (She points off stage.)

Bear #1 (to the others): I'm not hanging around here waiting for a haircut.

Bear #2: You mean a bear cut. Let's get out of here. (They flee.)

Bear #3: Isn't that always the way, it is? Some vandal comes into your neighborhood, vandalizes your stuff, you call the cop, and the fuzz tries to beat YOU up. I tell you, if this neighborhood goes downhill anymore, I'm moving to Los Angeles. I mean as long as you don't drive illegally, the cops there will let you do anything. You can sell honey,...

Friar Luck (pointing): He's riding right towards the other bear.

Bear #3: Alright. Alright. I'm going, but don't think you won't hear from my lawyer about damages......(He runs too.)

Goldie: There he into the distance.

Murray (sighing): Friar, you've got to get us out of here. This isn't a good neighborhood.

Total: Our insurance policy will not pay for damages done by bears or knights.

Goldie: Who was that guy on the horse?

Friar: Nobody knows, my daughter.

Goldie: Why do you keep calling me, "my daughter"?

Friar: Where were conceived, child?

Goldie (shrugging): Parma, Ohio, I think.

Friar: I'd better keep calling you that because (he grins) I've been around. Now the Black Knight has been riding around this forest for years. Nobody knows why. Nobody knows if he's waiting for something. He's generally considered a vision of evil.

Goldie: Great! Just my type. Romantic, uninvolved, totally without any cares, no morality....

Friar: Why don't you all come with to a nice comfortable place to eat-my restaurant (he points).

Total: This probably isn't a courtesy dinner, is it?

Friar (smiling): Like I said, I've been around.


Scene: Luck's Place. This would be set up like a diner, only in the background there would be music playing, probably 30s type swing. Murray, Total, and Goldie are sitting at the near table. At a far table is a group of men sitting with bottles in front of them. They wear shirts that say "Bad Knights"

Wanda the Waitress (as surly as possible): Hi, my name is Wanda. I'm your waitress. What do you want?

Goldie: I'll take a hamburger and fries.

Murray: Chicken Kiev with a slice of avocado and a glass of Perrier, sweetheart.

Total: I'd like the special, please. Could we have receipts?

Wanda (yelling off stage): Hey Friar, kill three of the specials and spit on 'em.

Goldie (to Murray): I don't like the looks of those men over there.

Bad Knights (together): Beer! Beer! Beer!

Goldie (shrugging): On second thought...

Prince (entering with Slimeball and Wormsly): I don't know if going to this restaurant is a good idea, Lord Slimeball. What if someone recognizes me?

Lord Slimeball: Sire, that is the point. You said you wanted some excitement, right? And no one is your equal with a sword. Right, Wormsly.

Wormsly: Oh, right. Oh yes.

Wanda (approaching the table): Alright, what'll it be?

Prince: I'd like a tender leg of lamb, broasted in a mayonaissane sauce, and a bottle of rose wine.

Wanda: Friar! Kill three more specials, ketchup till they're bleeding.

Bad Knight #1 (getting up and approaching the table with Goldie): Hey Baby, you wanna see my battle scars.

Bad Knight #2 (to Goldie also): What's a nice girl like you doing in a dive like this.

Bad Knight #3: Hey, you wanna go ride my horse?

Goldie, Murray, and Total (nodding): Cleveland.

Total (looking at her calculator): Did you say you were going to buy her some drinks?

The Prince (standing up and crossing the room): I don't think the lady really wants your kind of attention.

Goldie (looking from one side to another): Hang on, Dude, let's think about this a minute.

The Prince (drawing his sword): I'm prepared to defend the lady's honor.

Wormsly and Total (together): Honor?

Friar Luck (emerging from the kitchen with an apron): What's going on here, my son. I don't want any blood spilled on my tables!

Wanda (following him): Then, you better fry a little longer on the chicken.

The Prince (holding the tip of the sword up): Then none of you are brave enough to match my steel?

Bad Knight #2 (as they draw): What makes you think we won't try three on one?

The Prince (chuckling): Huh ha! You forget I have my noble squire (he points and Wormsly ducks under the table). Wait, where is he? Also I have my counselor, Lord Slimeball.

Lord Slimeball (hastily): You forget, Your Majesty, I am a man of words. I strike with my pen.

The Prince: Where is...

Total: I wonder if we have an insurance policy (as she's talking Wormsly slides under their table) for...Oh, what are you...(She starts giggling).

(The three bears enter from the far stage and sit down. After no one notices them, they start protesting)

The Bears: We want porridge! We want porridge!

Wanda: Get out of here. We don't serve....

Bear # 3: Oh, so I get it. This is a bear thing, isn't it? You're afraid to give us our rights. It's alright for us to go out and gather the honey, defend you from all those ferocious fish, but when it comes time to serve us, it's: "We don't serve bears."

The Prince (backing off and circling): It doesn't matter, Ha ha! I will take you all on, bears, bad guys, waitresses, servants. You think you're above the law. Well, you're not above my law!

Slimeball: I knew we shouldn't have bought him that VCR.

(There's a roaring sound off-stage, and everyone freezes.)

Murray: What was that?

Total (giggling): How should I know?

Goldie: Look at that. Something is eating the whole front wall of the restaurant.

Wanda (yawning): I guess they've heard about the food.

Wormsly: It's the dragon. It's even bigger than they said it was! How could it get that big!

Friar Tuck: How do you think? It eats here all the time.


Friar Tuck: Wanda, I want forty-five specials to go.

Total: That's $435.55!

Wanda: I don't think the dragon can pay its tab any more.

Friar (angrily): It can't? Well, then cancel the order.


Goldie: It's coming closer. I haven't seen a mouth that big since I played for the vice-president.

Slimeball: Your Majesty (shaking), I think the Royal Treasury might be diverted to pay the dragon's tab!


The Prince: No, this is it, Slimeball, the moment of truth. I'm going to go out and fight that dragon. Then I'm gonna find that beautiful maiden (he looks meaningfully at Goldie).

Goldie: Maiden (she starts looking around).

(Sounds off stage of heroic music......)

Wanda: It's the Black Knight (calling towards the kitchen): Two specials to go (pausing) and a dark beer.

Goldie: He's attacking the dragon. Look at the way he handles that sword. Incredible!

Friar (sighing): He'd be great in the kitchen.

Bear # 3: Hey guys, it's the man in the ashcan with the bear attitude problem. Yeah (getting up), we'd better beat it.

DRAGON'S VOICE A BIT MORE MELLOW: Ow! Stop that! You little jerk. Ow..Alright, I get the point! Ow! I'm going! OWWW!

(Stomping sounds)

Prince (sadly dropping his sword to the ground) : My moment of bravery, all gone. My chance to be a hero...

Friar: A hero 'aint nothing but a sandwich.

The Prince (suddenly thinking of something): You there! In the black. Yeah you. I wanna challenge you to a duel. (He throws his gauntlet) Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Slimeball: Your majesty, do you think that's wise?

The Prince (pointing): I see that gauntlet. What are you gonna do with it. Oh yeah? In your face!

Slimeball: Also, I'm that you're diverging a little from the ancient forms for challenges.

The Prince (ala Rocky): I want you (jumping up and down), Black Knight, I want you!


Scene: This takes place in the Prince's private chambers. He is attended by Squire Wormsly and Lord Slimeball. As Goldie and Total enter, attended by Murray, he bows deeply.

The Prince: My lady.

Goldie (searching): Where is she?

The Prince (kissing her hand): I wish we'd not met under such trying circumstances last night. I am the Prince.

Goldies (wiping off her hand): I figured that. You know, people pick up all kinds of diseases this way.

The Prince (pointing to the room around him): This is my castle.

Goldie (glancing around): Could use an interior decorator. Let's cut the small talk took, dude. Why did you throw me in the dungeon last night?

The Prince: I'm sorry. That's the only guest room we have. You know how it is with budget cuts....

Goldie: No, I don't. I'm just a rock and roll singer. I just want to do my gig and get out of this silly kingdom. Now I was supposed to play tonight...

The Prince: I'd like you to play this afternoon in the open area in front of the Pavilions before I battle against the Black Knight.

Goldie (shaking her head): I'm sorry. I don't play Expos, and I haven't done a warm-up in years. Tell 'em, Mur.

Murray: No warm-ups and no Expos.

Goldie: Tell 'em, Total.

Total: I have a question, Mr. Prince-

Prince: My real name is Prince Lancerainievsky.

Total: Whatever. If you lose this joust, does your kingdom still intend to pay its bills?

Prince (pacing): You're making this all so incredibly difficult. What is your name?

Goldie: Luciella Sandrapuski.

Prince: Dear--Goldie. I want you to dedicate your performance to me.

Goldie: Ep. No dedications.

Prince: Because I would like to marry you.

Total: Definitely not in the contract.

Murray: I've heard of a long term engagement, but...

Goldie (quizzically): You know, Prince, I just came here, actually, to ask if you had the number of some of those Bad Knight guys, but I think you're serious.

Prince: You are the golden night,

The shining temple of my love.

Your hair is a beacon towards which,

My heart is drawn.

Murray: This guy must do acid.

Total (suddenly pointing to Wormsly): Wait a second (she giggles), I remember you....

Wormsly (slyly): Ha! Ha! Ha!

Goldie: Boy, I used to think my poetry was bad.

The Prince (falling to his knees): I wish only to live for your love or, if you scorn me, to die at the feet of the Black Knight, your golden hair a scorching memory.

Murray: I wonder if he's ever heard of peroxide.

Goldie (breaking away): This is too heavy for me, it is. I'll tell you what: let me play the gig and then watch your duel, and then....

The Prince: Oh, my hope lives eternal....

Murray and Total: Oh Brother!


Scene: Everyone is seated facing the audience with pavilions possibly in the background. All are wearing their best royal clothes.

Lord Slimeball: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we are going to have a special treat, the Heavyweight Swordfighting Championship of the country.

Audience: Yeah!

Lord Slimeball: But first, we're going to have our own West Slidonian national anthem, sung by Goldi Rocks.

Goldi Rocks: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and serfs. I hope you serfs have your surfboards 'cause I'm going to do a rockin' version of your old standard.

(Sung to the tune of the National Anthem)
Oh say can you see,
By the castle's early light,
What I can now see,
Two knights gonna fight.

One's wearing all black,
And his face is not clear,
But he likes Tuck's chicken,
And two bottles of beer.

Everybody wants it, everybody gets,
If you don't watch out, they'll stone ya.
Everybody's fightin', Everybody's right on,
When you're here in West Slidonia.

There's another night,
And he's dressed up all in white,
With armor that's always creaking,
He shoulda oiled it last night.

He's gotta pretty face,
Like some other human race,
But his armor's still leaking
And the title he's seeking.

Sir Slimeball: In this corner, the Challenger, gestimated at 145 pounds, a man of total mystery and suspense, generally considered a bad omen, the Black Knight.

Audience: Booooo!

Sir Slimeball: And in this corner, heir to the throne of West Slidonia, weighing 165 pounds-

The Prince: 160!

Sir Slimeball: Weighing 160 pounds, our own White Knight, the West Slidonian Stallion, the Prince!

Audience: Yeahhh!!!

Sir Slimeball: Now I want you to shake gauntlets and to come out swordfighting (The White Knight exits the stage).

Audience (looking left and right as in a tennis match): Ooooh. Owwww. Owww.

Sir Slimeball: And the White Knight has the Black Knight up in the air. Body slam! Oh the terrible punishment. But the Black Knight is right back with a rope. He's swinging the Prince around, around, around, around, around (audience's eyes turn).

Goldie: I can't watch!

Murray: Too bloody, Baby?

Goldie: No, I just dropped a contact. (She and Murray fall to the ground. Total sneaks over to Wormsly).

Total: Is the Prince really that good?

Wormsly: Let's just say I taught him everything he knows.

Wanda (circulating with a tray): Chicken parts. Get your red hot chicken parts...

(At the back of the stage the three bears sit down).

Bears: Beer! Beer! Beer for the bears! (repeats)

The Prince (landing back on stage, shakes his head. He sees Goldie on the ground): No need to prey. I will prevail (he rushes back outward).

Lord Slimeball: Oh, and the Prince has him in the hammerlock, and he's slamming the Black Knight's helmet.

Audience: Ooof. Ooof. Ooof. Oooof.

Bear # 2 (to Wanda): This beer is warm.

Wanda: Tell it to the Friar.

Bear # 1: It's not Hamm's.

Bear # 3: They think it's easy to be cool in all this fur? Have they ever tried shampooing their tails? Have they ever tried buying five bottles of Boucin' and Behaving?

Audience: Uh! Uh! Uh!

Lord Slimeball: And the Prince has been thrown out of the arena. (Now the Prince and the Black Knight are on stage). The Black Knight's helmet has fallen off.

(The two nights stagger onstage and the Black Knight, obviously an old man, pins the Prince's arm behind his back.)

Prince: I yield. I yield.

Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Prince: Only, I beg of you, kill me please....

Murray and Goldie: Yech!

Prince: I have nothing to live for. I've failed to do any noble deed, and I've not found my true love (he puts his head into his hands).

The Black Knight (slowly): I will not kill you.

Lord Slimeball (wiping the perspiration from his face): A wise decision for which you will be handsomely rewarded.

Bear # 3: I think that means we have to go. The Bear Terminator is here again.

The Black Knight: You do not have to flee either. I'm the one who must go.

Goldie (standing up): I don't understand this. Who are you? Where are you going? I mean, you won the fight. You get the girl, right (suddenly halting)? On second thought, old man, why don't you......

Friar: Who are you, my son?

The Black Knight (suspiciously): Why do you call me "my son"?

Friar: Where were you born?

The Black Knight: France.

Friar (nodding): You'd better let me keep calling you that. You see, I've been around.

Wormsly (pointing off-stage): It's The King.

The Prince (standing up): You mean, my father?

(An Elvis look-alike joins the group on-stage trailed by about five or six girls, enough to match the number of men on stage).

Wormsly: No, it's Presley Elvis!

Love my fender,
Love my wheel,
Love my car of steel.

Harushito Hashimoto (to the Prince): You are Princesan?

Prince: I guess so, why?

Harushito: I am Maiden Japan.

Friar: Ah, bless you, my daughter.

Harushito: Why you call me-

Everyone on stage: Don't Ask!

Bear # 3: See, what happens. They get a six-pack of girls, but not one single female bear. They forget all about us! Come on, boys, it's back to the woods. Maybe we can find some fish and bunch of berries.

Goldie (taking the King's arm): There is one act I might do a warm-up for. What about it Murray, Total? (Neither answers as Murray has a girl on his arm, and Wormsly has Total on his arm).

Grovel (to the Black Knight): Now I'm just a stupid peasant, but I still want to know who you are.

The Black Knight (with great pride): My name is Godot.

The Prince: What! You're Godot. There's two guys that have been waiting for you for sixty years....

The Black Knight (looking around): You've seen them? Where are they? I went to the rendezvous spot, but they weren't there. Well, maybe I didn't go to the right spot... Does anybody know where they are?

Wanda (grabbing him by the hand): Come on. I know where they are, Mr. Godot. French, eh? So romantic. First, why don't we stop by the Friar's for a couple of pieces of chicken?

Friar: Bless you, my daughter.

The Prince: It doesn't seem right, somehow. I'm more confused than before. This seems like a happy ending, but...

Harushito: You never had hot message Princesan?

Grovel: It could be worse, Your Majesty.

Lord Slimeball (nodding wisely): It's best sometimes, Your Majesty, not to look too closely at these sort of things. Happy endings are not so easy to find these days.






Most of the sources of information on Mr. Fruit are rather inadequate. It seems peculiar that the most noted playwright of his time should have so little written concerning him, but this was, after all, the age before the vacuuform auditory transistor. The following history, then, should be regarded as, at best, conjectural.

Mr. Fruit was born in the small village of Stratford, where he also attended school. It is often said of him that his education was inadequate. In fact, however, the works written seem to show that his so-called "smattering of French and Spanish" were reinforced with a thorough course of study in the classic works of Philip K. Dick, Isaac Asimov, and at least some exposure to the seminal COMPUTER SHOPPER.

At some time in his youth, Mr. Fruit apparently become a kind of traveling minstrel and wandered through several countries: Canada, Japan, Indiana, and the Island of California. It is probably in the last-named country that Mr. Fruit got his first opportunities to write and perform in dramas. It is thought that RAPMAN (RAPMAN pt. I) is an early work and represents some crystallizing conceptions of this Falstaffian character (this is available in RECYCLED POEMS). It's also conjectured that at some time in his career, Mr. Fruit may have "taught school," by which it is meant that he physically met with his students in an enclosed area. Despite the contemporary knowledge of communicable diseases, this practice was apparently rather widespread in California. In fact, at one point, the Republic had 30 children per teacher in each classroom, a concept designed, perhaps, to kill off the physically weakest by spreading gems. Obviously, Mr. Fruit "taught" drama, poetry, novel-writing and composition.

At some point in his career, perhaps in his mid-thirties, its obvious that publications of his work must've allowed Fruit the opportunity to pursue his writing full-time as works such as RAPMAN RETURNS and THE LONG TRIP HOME must've yielded considerable monetary rewards. It is thought, however, that Fruit himself appeared on stage in some of his dramas and perhaps directed as well. Some experts think that Fruit might've played "Mr. Limpus" in THE ART OF THE PRIMITIVE or "Drack" in FIVE EASY PIECES. Whether this is true or not, it's obvious that, by his forties, Fruit had become a full-time author enjoying a very comfortable income and backed by a large, loyal audience.

The later life of Fruit, however, is even harder to trace. This is partly because of the holocaustic social events that rocked the early 21st century. Whether Fruit, whose earlier writings are tinged with social criticism, was himself involved in these events is unclear. What is clear, however, is that, by age 50, Fruit had stopped writing dramas altogether and taken to touring the country and reading from his poems and novels. Many of these later works are of inferior quality, and it's thought that the computer critics of the time may've simply edited out a lot of the finest writing because their primitive scanliteralisisers simply couldn't appreciate the materials fed into them.

When Fruit died, in 2060, his will was made public. A lot of controversy has surrounded his legacy to his wife: his second best computer. It seems incomprehensible that a man whose writing did so much to usher in the supremacy of the computer wouldn't manumit his own PC and not let it go free. Perhaps, like so many of his contemporaries, he'd developing a paternalistic attachment to the machine and just wanted it "taken care of." Fruit's remains, like those of most people of the time, were shot off into space with the refuse. The originals of his discs, however, were burned and the ashes sprinkled over Poet's Corner in Westminister Abbey.


In winter the earth seems barren,
Yet seeds lie, waiting for their chance,
And rivers run hidden beneath us,
So little water flows before our eyes.

The drums hammer pounding rhythm,
A base thumps sure as a heartbeat,
Notes join together, to build a chord.
Melody's only a part of a song.

In ruins, a past waits a present,
Or a shade of the gods in a smile,
A dream in a tossing of blankets,
And love in anguished cry.

I hear a note in cycle's hum,
I see a book in a plastic chunk.
A drop of water makes a roaring wave,
And every voice makes poetry.


A king in his three-story castle,
Examining productivity reports,
room so wide that he can see
An emptiness in three designer shades.
He glances down his book of numbers,
Considering all the names he could buy.

A prisoner in his one-room cell,
Reading last year's papers to himself.
He counts holidays now passed away,
Since his name blackened the headlines,
He slices a message in the wall,
Till he dulls his knife and fork and spoon.

They're saying:

"Give me a chance; I'd give it all away.
The fame and the pain don't matter anyway.
I want to see a face again; I want to know what's right.
Just one chance, I'd give all away tonight."

A bachelor in his apartment,
Hearing five hundred dollars worth of stereo,
A sound that blares and blats and wails,
Around an unmade bed and takeout plastic dishes.
Looking at a mirror he mutters,
And sees the deadened hairs of gray.

A dancing queen her jewelry flailing,
As she watches her reflection in the window.
Her feet just never seem to find the tune.
She reviews her lists of opened clubs,
Glances at the dresses with foreign labels,
And does a fragile pirouette that says:

"Give me a chance; I'd give it all away.
The fame and the pain don't matter anyway.
I want to see a face again; I want to know what's right.
Just one chance, I'd give all away tonight."

The poet looking through his stack of books,
Another collection printed by his self.
Fifty copy lie beneath his never opened window.
He shakes his head to try to clear his vision,
And draws a ragged blanket to his chest,
Hugging warmth to him like a little child,
And wonders aloud where he got lost,


"Give me a chance; I'd give it all away.
The fame and the pain don't matter anyway.
I want to see a face again; I want to know what's right.
Just one chance, I'd give all away tonight."

A tired face with lines of wisdom,
Two feet astride the flying clouds,
The oceans roar and coo to his command,
He holds broken tablets in his palm.
He stretches opened hands beyond the stars,
And his voice rings out in choirs of song:

"GIVE ME A CHANCE! I give it all away.
The pain and the sorrow, last only for a day.
Love softly as you go; try to find what's true.
Just give me a chance; I give it all to you."




"I've seen Mr. Fruit's work peformed on Broadway, and I know the caliber of his playwriting. How could I expect, however, that the man who wrote FIVE EASY PIECES, the new MACBETH, would also write poems as good as Shakespeare's SONNETS," Horace Voyeur, critic for the NEW YORK SUPPLEMENT'S DAILY TIMES.

"Having traveled to the Far East, I can say that Mr. Fruit's poems on the area are genuinely inspired. I'm going to propose him as the new ambassador to the People's Republic of Wimpistan," Sum Da Me, ambassador to the People's Republic of Wimpistan.

"I can see why these works were rejected by every major poetry magazine in the country," Marvin Malicious, THE POETRY WEAKLY.

"This is the real thing: It echoes from a cry to a scream to horse laughter. This is a man who writes plays like Hemingway, novels like T.S. Elliot, and poetry that's just as good as Ibsen's!" Greven Grum, THE NATIONAL REQUIRER.

"I'd like to say something nice about it, but nobody paid me to write a critical introduction, so I think it stinks." Thaddeus Maxtomer, distraught, but noted, intellectual.

"Only Fruit would have the audacity to revive the 'dark comedy' of Shakespeare and then set it to music. The title is a red herring: the spirit of the bard lives between these two covers," Nathaniel Daniel, critic at large.

"Some of these poems are worse than some I've heard from Ethyl," says Fred Ferkel, agricultural technician, "and Ethyl's a pig."

"I just love it when men write poetry," Sarah Shrug, TOTAL IDIOT.

"This is a tour of tour-de-forces," Jacques Marten, LATIN VOICE.

"This will show all those kids at school who don't BELIEVE in Rapman!" Tommy Twaat, first grader.

SHAKESPEARE DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE is the latest collection by controversial author Daniel Richard Fruit. It assembles, in one package, all the plays that have made Mr. Fruit's name as well known as it is on Broadway. This is the perfect textbook for college, universities, and high schools interested in introducing young minds to the dramatic muse. Further, however, it includes the cream of the many poems Mr. Fruit has performing, singing, and reciting on the college lecture circuit and is an ideal supplement for those who've already purchased the video, cassette tape, and cuneiform tablet.

$4 or best offer

Witney, Barney, and Laramie, Quite Limited